Various factors may impede successful discussions:

• Stubbornness on the part of a participant
• A feeling by a participant that he knows exactly what he wants and will not compromise
• A feeling that it does not pay to discuss an issue

Let's discuss how to handle these negative attitudes.

Some people lock themselves into a negative philosophy. They believe that they will not benefit from taking steps that could correct a problematic situation.

This problem can be corrected. In the first stage of counseling, the partners, with the assistance of a counselor or mediator, should determine whether they really do disagree with each other. Correcting a simple misunderstanding is certainly preferable to long-term counseling.

If an adversarial relationship does exist, then other issues may be considered:

The client feels that it does not pay to talk to the adversary. Has that stance been shown to be correct? This may be clarified by a phone call to the adversary. If he is indeed intransigent, and if it indeed does not pay to have a discussion at this point, then the counselor and the client should determine which issues have to be resolved in the absence of the adversary.

• If the adversary does not impact directly on the client's life, then the problems can be resolved in a relatively easy manner.
• If the adversary is a relative or a close acquaintance, then the situation becomes more complex, even though the facts remain the same. In this situation, the psychologist or the counselor should help the two people communicate with each other. He might mediate with each one separately in the beginning, and then he might serve as an intermediary when they do meet in person.

In the worst-case scenario, when it is indeed useless to talk to the adversary, the client may be helped to continue a fulfilling life in the best possible manner, while avoiding the partner:

• He should learn to overcome his feelings of frustration
• He should be given tangible alternatives to the benefits or advantages of the problematic adversary
  • He must understand that these alternatives are not meant as compensation
  • The alternatives may not be as good as the benefits offered by the adversary
  • The alternatives are designed to help him manage on his own

In extreme cases, the client may have to learn how to live independently, since he will no longer be able to depend on contact with the adversary.

Notwithstanding this situation, it should be kept in mind that the adversary's refusal to communicate should be considered as a temporary situation. Efforts should be made to bring the two sides to a discussion at some time in the future.