CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Sometimes the spelling, grammar, arrangement or typing of words in church bulletins produces some unintended yet humorous readings. Over the years I've come across the following authentic announcements gleaned from actual church bulletins. Too err is human and to others it can also prove to be pretty funny:
1. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
2. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of this church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
3. Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the Pastor.
4. Thursday at 5 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in the study.
5. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
8. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
9. Tonight's Sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
10. Evening massage - 6 p. m.
11. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
12. The Diet Club will meet Thursday night at 7:30 p. m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
13. Our annual church picnic will be held Saturday afternoon. If it rains, it will be held in the morning.
14. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
15. A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.
16. The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.
17. The low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p. m. Please use the back door.
18. Ushers will eat latecomers.
19. Women's Group sale of unwanted items. Please bring your husbands.
20. The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.
21. Would the congregation kindly remember that the box marked 'For the Sick' is for financial contributions only.
22. The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away.
23. Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man
24. Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?
25. Services are at 11:00 and 6:30. Come early if you want a back seat.
26. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
27. Hymn No. 58 - 'Gold Will Take Care of You.'
28. Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.
29. Our young people are preparing the pizza dinner. It will be held in the perish hall.
30. The maintenance of the church graveyard is becoming increasingly costly. It would be a great help if parishioners would do their best to tend their own graves.
31. The Ladies Society will be selling their new cookbook at the church supper this Wednesday night. The proceeds will help purchase a stomach pump for our community hospital.
32. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
33. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
34. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
35. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
36. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
37. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
38. The service will close with Little Drop of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
39. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
40. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
41. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
42. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
43. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
44. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
45. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
46. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
47. The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH. The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
48. The sermon this morning: GOSSIP . . . THE SPEAKING OF EVIL. The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
49. The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 . . . EUTHANASIA The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
50. The sermon this morning: PREDESTINATION . . . WHAT ABOUT HELL? The closing song: I'LL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO
51. If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
52. The preacher will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy".
53. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course. 8 p. m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
54. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
55. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
56. The Church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
57. The 'eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p. m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
58. We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.
59. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
60. A minister posted a sign at his reserved parking space in the church lot: "Old Proverb - He who parks in Minister's space must preach Sunday Sermon."
61. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on, "It's a Terrible Experience".
62. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
63. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
64. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the Minister's daughter who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
65. Today's Sermon: How much can a man drink? with hymns from a full choir.
66. The Lutheran Mens Group will meet at 6 p. m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
67. Irving Benson and Jessie Cort were married October 14 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
68. Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at Noon
69. The Gospel according to Luck
70. Sunday worship will begin with personal medication
71. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday, "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
72. Church Rummage Sale: A good opportunity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away. Bring your husband.
73. This evening at 7:00 p. m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
74. Hymn: Immoral, Invisible
