A young boy
walks up to a house, knocks on the door and says,
"Trick or treat"
to the woman who answers the door. "Oh
my and what have we here?"
asks the lady. "Aaargh
woman, I'm a pirate captain,"
answers the boy. "Well if
you're a Pirate Captain then where are your bucaneers?"
she asks. He thinks for a moment and says, "They're
under my buckin hat, Lady ...
Gimme Some Candy!"
--What do
goblins mail home while on vacation?
Ghostcards.
--Why did the
vampire need mouthwash?
She had bat breath.
--Name the
skeleton who was Emperor of France.
Napoleon Bone-apart.
--How far did
the spook travel?
From ghost to ghost.
--What do you
call a wizard who moves through the air like a bird?
A flying sorcerer.
--What do
monster children enjoy on a hot day?
Ice-Scream.
--You can
always trust a mummy--they know how to keep things
under wraps.
--What do you
call a pig that turns into a bat at night and sucks
blood?
A hampire.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo Who?
Ah, don't cry, Halloween is just around the corner!
--How do you
make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours.
--Why do
cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get
in.
--Why don't
skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
A hearse was
driving up a steep hill one afternoon when the rear
doors were jarred open. Suddenly . . . a casket
rolled out onto the street and began rolling down the
street at breakneck speeds . . . careening off parked
cars, running stoplights, and causing dozens of near
accidents as it made its way down the hill! At the
bottom of the hill, the casket rolled into the
parking lot of mall and crashed through the front of
a drug store. As the casket came to a halt in front
of the pharmacy counter, the lid sprang open, the
corpse sat up, and called out to druggist, "Hey!
You got anything to stop my coffin?"
(Thanks for the joke, Diane)
--Mother
vampire to son: "Hurry up and eat your breakfast
before it clots."
--Why do
dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
--What kind of
dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!
--Where did
they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!
--What is
Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
--When does a
skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny
bone.
--What tops
off a ghost's sundae?
Whipped Scream
--What has a
black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see
anything?
A witch with her eyes closed.
--Why is a
ghost such a messy eater?
Because he's always a goblin.
--Why did the
vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT
boy!
IN THE SPIRIT
OF HALLOWEEN...
A young couple
was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him
to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he
went.
The wife,
after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to
the party. Because hubby did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some kicks
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not around.
She joined the
party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice
chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a
little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new
"action".
She let him go
as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of
the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was
sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him
what he had done. He said, "Oh,
the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you
dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even
danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met
Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell
you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had
one helluva time!"
--What happens
when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist
--What
instrument does a skeleton play?
A trombone.
--Where does a
ghost refuel his porche?
At the ghastly station
--What sailors
like to be chilled to the bone?
A skeleton crew.
--What does a
sorceress wear?
A bewitching outfit.
--Why was the
mummy so tense?
He was all wound up.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda go for a ride on my broomstick?
--What's
black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.
--Where does
Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
In the casketeria.
--Why did the
black cat cross the road?
To catch up with the chicken.
--Where did
the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.
TOP 10
REASONS WHY HALLOWEEN IS BETTER THAN SEX
You’re
guaranteed to get at least a little something in the
sack.
If you get
tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you
look, the easier it is to get some.
You don't have
to compliment the person who gave you candy.
It’s OK
when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
else, because you ARE someone else.
40 years from
now, you'll still enjoy candy.
If you don't
get what you want, you can always go next door.
Doesn't matter
if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the
next morning.
AND....
You can
"do" the whole neighborhood!!!
--What do you
call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
Toasty ghosty.
--What do you
call Count Dracula's cookout?
Vampire camfire.
--What do you
call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
--Why do
witches ride on brooms?
Vacuum cleaners have to be
plugged into the wall.
--What do you
call a wicked witch who lives at the beach?
A Sandwich
--What do you
say to a ghost with three heads?
"Hello, hello, hello."
--What did the
baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.
--What kind of
street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
--What do you
get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.
--What did the
papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
--What do
birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
--What do
little trees say on Halloween?
Twig or treat.
Two men were
walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the
misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old
man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
the headstones.
"Holy
cow, Mister," one of them
said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?"
"Those
fools!" the old man
grumbled. "They misspelled
my name!"
--What is a
witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.
--Who does a
ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.
--Why was the
zombie so grumpy?
She woke up too early in the
mourning.
--What
directions did the ghost give the goblin?
"Make a fright turn at the
corner."
--Where do
vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.
--Who are some
of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the
whenwolves.
--What is a
vampires favortie mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.
--What did Dr.
Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in
the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at
chasing submarines.
--What do you
call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
--Why are
black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.
--What's a
cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.
--What kind of
hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.
THE TOP TEN
HOUSES TO AVOID WHILE TRICK-OR TREATING.
Any house that
seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.
Any house made
of food.
Any house
whose only entrance goes to the basement.
Any house
where the high tension wires suddenly stop right
above it.
Any house that
has ornamental lawn hyenas.
Any house that
growls "get out."
Any house
where the furniture seems to be walking across the
living room floor.
Any house that
looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off
the ground.
Any house with
various and extremely realistic statues in the front
yard of people in odd "running away" poses.
And. . .
Any house that
wasn't there only a minute ago...
--Where do
little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.
--What does a
goblin shop for?
Grosseries.
--How can you
tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.
--What do you
call serious rocks?
Grave stones.
--Why did the
witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.
--What's a
goblin's favorite flavor?
Lemon n' Slime.
--Why wasn't
the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.
--How do
ghosts fly from one place to another?
By scareplane.
--How do you
picture yourself flying on a broom?
By witchful thinking.
--Why did the
witch's mail rattle?
--It was a chain letter.
--Why did the
vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.