A middle aged woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question ...

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra nd begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said," Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.
So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

After three years of marriage, this woman is still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."
She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to tell her.
"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

It was June, and two old men, Morty and Sid, were sitting in their favorite Brooklyn diner, comparing their recent trips to Florida.
"It was cold in Florida this winter," said Morty.
"Yeah," replied Sid, "I feel ripped off. I went down there for some color."
"And you got it," said Morty, "the color blue."
As they sipped their coffee, Morty asked, "So, did your nephew the big shot buy you a house down there?"
"As a matter of fact, he did," said Sid. "It's a big house, too. Three stories - four when the tide's out."
"I'm just happy they found land on my property," said Morty.
"Of course," Morty continued over a piece of cheesecake, "I got caught in that big hurricane."
"It wasn't so bad," Sid retorted. "My car got eight-hundred miles to the gallon."

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxicab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?"

"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.
"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"Twelve years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.

"That's the Metro Toronto Convention Centre," replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years" replied the cabbie.

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!"

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and her brassiere and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his penis and bent it in half.

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.

Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.

When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?"

These four fellows were sitting on stools in front of a bar discussing their sons. One excuses himself and visits the men's room.

"My son," says one of the three, "has made quite a name for himself in construction. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a mechanic, but now owns a Cadillac dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend a brand new Fleetwood Northstar as a gift."

The third man's son has worked as a janitor in a stock brokerage firm. Now he's a broker with his own office and gave his friend 100 shares of Microsoft as a gift.

As the fourth man comes back from relieving himself they tell him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what his son does for a living. "Actually, I was somewhat disappointed in my son. He's nothing but a masseuse in a bathhouse and is known as a homosexual, but he's certainly got some interesting friends. His last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, a Cadillac, and Microsoft stock worth a pile of money."

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled,
"Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No, absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says, "I've bought my wife a 24-ca rat gold ring and a glove". "Why have you got her a glove?" the other two ask. "Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove so no-one can nick it off her finger" he replies.

The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly brags, "I've got my wife a diamond necklace and a scarf". The other two, slightly confused, ask, "What's the scarf for?" "So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around her neck to prevent it being snatched" the Scotsman replies.

The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen to hear what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them. "Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator" he says.

The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to which he replies "Cos if she doesn't like the shoes she can go pleasure herself!!"

Morris is on vacation with his girlfriend Sherry in Las Vegas. After paying a fortune for tickets, they go to a nightclub where Morris has been assured they'll be able to mingle with the stars. Sure enough, the place is full of famous people. All around them the conversation is very exciting.

"Hi ya, Madonna!"
"How are you, Clint?"
"Monica is telling her Clinton tales -- come over Ricky."

Far from being impressed, Morris' girlfriend is very annoyed that Morris doesn't know any of the stars and that nobody was interested in talking to them the whole evening.

On a visit to the toilet Morris finds himself standing beside Tom Cruise. Morris explains the problem, and tells Tom he's been a fan ever since 'My Way' and has all his records. Would Mr. Cruise please help him out? All he has to do is walk past Morris' table and say,

"How are yah Morris?" For once, Tom is in a good mood and agrees.

Ten minutes later Tom walks up to the table where Morris and Sherry are sitting and talking. "Hey my buddy, how are you Morris?" shouts Tom.

Morris looks up and says, "Screw off, Tom. Can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend?"

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Condom Company.
"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm not religious."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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