One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Superman: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".

Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up.
Superman: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!".

Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than Wonder Woman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Superman gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers".

So without further thought he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What was that!!"

Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell! Talk about a pain in the ass!"

One day, a large group of people was waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.

To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" inquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

This guy goes into a bar, obviously depressed. He orders a few shots and sits at the bar looking miserable. The bartender comes up and asks, "Say, what's wrong chum?"

The guy says, "I went home early today and caught my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Geez, what did you do to your wife?"
"I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!"
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I went up to him and said BAD BAD BAD dog!!!"

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.

Two morons decided to go on a fishing trip. They went to a tackle store, bought all of the equipment they needed and then went on to the lake. There they rented a boat for the day. Once out to a spot they dropped their lines, and through the day had tremendous luck.

One moron said to the other, "We should mark this spot."
So the other one leaned over a put a mark on the side of the boat.
His buddy said "You fool that won't work".
"Why?" said the other.
"Because," his buddy said, "we may not get the same boat tomorrow."

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one fellow says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."
"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," the fellow replies, "that was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

Two good friends were out hiking one day. One of the hikers stepped off the trail to take a leak. Suddenly a rattlesnake bit him right where it counts most. He screamed and his friend came running. After a minute of panic, the friend said... "Look you just wait here and rest while I run into town to get some help."

His friend ran all the way to town and found the doctor. Doctor: "Hmm.. well, I'm afraid you are going to have to cut the wound lengthwise across the fang marks and then suck all the venom out. Your friend should be just fine then."

The town doctor wasn't able to go to the victim because advanced age, so the hiker asked him to repeat his instructions several times just to be sure he had them right. He then ran as fast as he could back to his injured friend in the woods.

Injured Hiker: "Did you find the doctor?"
Friend: "Yes, I ran all the way to town and I found the doctor."
Injured Hiker: "Well, what did he say?"
Friend: "He said you're going to die..."

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the businessman received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus.

When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The
embarrassed young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give
her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.

A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and
helped her onto the bus.

As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"

The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!"

Gambling

A successful and basically honest fellow flew to Las Vegas to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and all he had left was his return airline ticket. He went outside the casino and hailed a cab. Telling the cabby he would mail him the fare, he asked for a ride to the airport. The cabby said he would never take anybody's word for anything and forget it.

The man finally made it to the airport after hitchhiking for several hours. He vowed to get even with that intransigent fellow, but knew he might never see him again.

A year later this same fellow once again has a chance to visit Las Vegas. Fortune smiled up him twice. He actually came away a winner and outside the last casino he visited he spotted the same cabby sitting in a long line waiting his turn for a customer.

Then a thought came to the winner. He entered the first cab and said, "How much to the airport?"
"Fifteen dollars," was the answer.
"And how much additional for a good blow job?"
"What? Get out of my cab, you bastard," was the reply.

Our winner went down the whole line of cabs asking the same question and getting the same answer. Finally, he got to the cabby who gave him the hard time a year earlier.

"Take me to the airport," he said to the unsuspecting fellow. As they drove past all the other cabs, he leaned out the window and gave them all a big thumbs up since he had found a willing cabby.

A little old lady entered the main branch of the Chase Manhattan bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president's office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.

She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?" "Nothing like that," she said. "I just...bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady was serious, and had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he canceled his regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.

The president told her that, sorry she had lost her bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $150,000 that before ten a.m. today I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls..."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

In Cork County Ireland, a bum came up to old Hogan and asked for a handout. Hogan replied, "Ye'll only waste the money, you will."

"No," replied the bum, "I need it for food. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I sure don't gamble."
"Aye," Hogan replied, "in that case, if you'll be comin' back to my house, I'll give you a whole pound."

The bum was agreeable, and in a few minutes they were at the door of Hogan's house. Mrs. Hogan opened the door, took a look at the pair of them and said, "Aye! And what would this be about then?"

Hogan said to his wife, "I just wanted to show you somebody who doesn't smoke, drink, or gamble! And why don't you keep your promise and marry him, then?"

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first".

The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler", replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender thought about it. "OK."
So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet".
So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again."

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on."

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 39 came up. Then she just fainted!"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death."

How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually, he gambles away all of his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler, just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

Three guys were challenged by a girl who said, "Whoever can make me scream the most gets $100."

The white guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and says, "Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."

The black guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying, "Man, it is just not possible!"

Finally the Chinese guy goes in with a smile on his face. He returns after ten minutes and forty screams.

Both the other guys say, "How in Hell did you do that?"
"Me play old trick," he says, "put hot sauce on my poker!

A fellow is reading the paper in his family room when his wife raps him upside the head with a frying pan. "Whoa, what the heck is that all about?" he roars.

"I was going through your golf bag looking for change for gum," she snaps, "and I found this piece of paper with the name Mary Lou on it!"

"Jeez," he replies, "that's the name of a horse in next weeks second race at Pimlico. John, my golfing buddy gave me an inside tip!"

"Oh honey," she apologized. "I'm so sorry. I'll rub your feet and make you an extra special dinner."
Next week the same guy is reading the paper when his wife smacks him upside the head again.

"Now what?" he demands.
"Your horse just called."

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.

Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed
another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept
blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went
to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of twenty thousand dollars, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and
Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.

He found the man and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"

The Priest said, "That's the trouble with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!"

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

The horse ran third.

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