There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
The Chinese says, "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.

About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it would take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my Wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher, and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my Wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my Wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"
"What?" says the farmer, "And miss out on all the kissing!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

A Guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I were German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."
The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone. "

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

A cop pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (read them out loud)
That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fu Kin Su Pah
Ai Bang Mai Ne ... I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat ... You need a face lift
Dum Gai ... A stupid person
Gun Pao Der ... An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ... Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ... We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Kaw Sun ... A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ... Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ... Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi ... Not very good
Lin Ching ... An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding ... A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn ... A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ... A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be ... A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ... A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ... Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung ... A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan ... Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah ... Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ... Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ... There is no reason to raise your voice

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast . I tella waitress I wanna two pisis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, .... I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate , you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna table. She say you better not fock onna table , you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to room inna hotel and there are no shits onna my bed. I call the manaager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no unnerstand , I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the check out and the man at the desk say " peace on you . I say piss on you to, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy....

Ah Huay went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw Ah Huay's colorful attire and gold & white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming " NOT THIS WOMAN ". Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Ah Huay. So he told Ah Huay, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance!"

"So, let's hear the words."
"The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."
Ah Huay thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,. I say YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number,lah.... Don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Kum Siah."

The Manager fainted.

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone cheese mine."

An Australian was touring UK and found himself driving through Scotland, and seeing a quaint old pub, he stopped for a drink. Going inside he found it full and ordered a double scotch. To his surprise he was charged five pence which he equated to ten cents Australian.

He asked the barman why so cheap and was told that the pub was exactly a hundred years old, and so for that day they decided to charge the same as the day it opened.

He ordered another and looking around asked the barman why no one was drinking.
"Oh!" said the barman looking at his watch, "they're all waiting for happy hour with drinks at half price!"

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from neighboring Peru," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Peruvian military activity."

"Si, Capitano," replied Pedro.

He trudged up the mountain and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. "There are many planes coming, Capitano," he promptly radioed back.

"Friends or enemies?" the Captain demanded urgently.
Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They are flying very closely together, Capitano," he replied. "I think they must be friends."

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, "I'd love to eat some dog."
The second said, "Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, 'HOT DOGS'!"

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, "Which part of the dog's anatomy did YOU get?"

Two Irish men and a Newfounderlander went out to sea. They had no food left except for one piece of bologna, so they made a deal that whoever had the best dream that night would get the piece of bologna.

They all went to sleep and the next morning the first Irish man said, "Well, I think I'm going to win, because my dream was about St. Peter standing at the pearly gates."

"Hold on." The next Irish man said, "That's nothing! Mine was also about St. Peter who was riding a white horse and he lead me into heaven!"

The Newfoundlander said, "When I saw all of you go to heaven, I was so lonely that I ate the piece of bologna."

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.

Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"

When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp; he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.

He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.

"So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.

His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose."
"Ouch! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. "

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in... "

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the First dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God, that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies, "HURT! He broke three of my damn fingers!"

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of A man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $76.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.

An Indian , a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Indian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Indian, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Chinese and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of fifty dollars, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the money and the next thing I know I was back here."

That's amazing!" said one of the doctors. "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw of them ," replied the Indian , "the Chinese was bargaining over the price and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers: "Is ANYTHING all right?"

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll just sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
She says, "Force yourself."
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually the Rottweiller lets go.
A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
Concerned, the son asks, "Why are you so weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days," she replies.
Shocked, the man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in thirty-eight days?"
The mother answers "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Jewish view on when life begins: Actually there is no controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

5760 Year according to Jewish calendar.
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar.
1064 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the residence hall with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Two English policemen (bobbies) are walking down the road. One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm going to rip my wife's knickers."

"Why are you going to that?" asks his colleague.
"Because the elastic has been killing me all day."

A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Two Malaysian mats are walking along Boon Lay Road when they see a sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair'.

Ali says to his pal, "Gerek, sial! We could buy a whole lot and when we get back to Johor, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you diam-diam, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Singapore accent."

They go in and Ali orders 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each.
The owner of the shop says, "You're from Malaysia, aren't you?"
"Oh, ... yes," says a surprised Ali. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

When Dr. Mahathir was visiting Singapore, PM Goh though he'd show the M'sian Premier Singapore's Telecommunication capabilities. As the M'sian entourage was touring SingTel's corporate HQ, being shown all it's new telecom technology, Dr. M noticed a strange telephone sitting in one corner of the room. Walking over, he found the phone glowed dark red, and had weird occultic symbols where numbers ought to be. He turned to ask the SingTel representative what it was.

The rep stiffened momentarily, then answered, 'It's a hotline to hell, Dr Mahathir.'

Curious, Dr M wanted to give it a try. Picking up the handset, he heard a rumbling demonic voice, 'Please deposit S$10,000 for the first minute.'

When Dr. M returned home, he called up the Minister responsible for telecommunications and told him of his discovery.
The minister then said, 'Oh, we have that too, sir. We just don't like to talk about it.'
'Let me see it.' said Dr. M.

So the minister brought Dr M. to see the phone. Sure enough, there was the same deep red phone with the symbols. Picking up the phone, he heard the same demonic voice announce, 'Please deposit 50 cents for the first minute.'

Surprised, Dr M. asked the minister why the call was so cheap compared to Singapore.
'Oh, here it's a local call.'

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

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