How many IRS auditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb REALLY gets screwed.

Dear Taxpayer:
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed is your pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is just hanging around unemployed, 50% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it's hard up and only 10% of the time is actually employed, and even then it operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they're both nuts.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there are a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the job.

The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained.

"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "you're not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Noah's Ark: Year 2000 AD
The lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. You are commanded to build an Ark." And, in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for the Ark.

Okay," said Noah, nervously fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain,"' directed the Lord. "Please have the Ark completed, or all will be swimming for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," said the Lord. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction process, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got in a big fight over whether the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Commission that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch the owls, so, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, but no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that one couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood plan. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed
$3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached
article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and

Sincerely,
I Gettook Everyear

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over five thousand cocks last year."

The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out and the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

A young hotshot accountant gets a job with Revenue Canada. His first assignment is to audit an old but very wise rabbi. The young upstart figures he will have a little fun with the old man.

At the first interview to review the synagogue's tax return, the kid asks, "So Rabbi Frank, tell me what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "Well you see young man we are very frugal. We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And of course you know that the value of that candle is taxable. So tell me also what do you with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "Well, waste not want not! We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls. And yes, yes, I know that should be taxable too!"

The smart ass kid thinks he has the best question when he says, "I really want to know what you do with all the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

Rabbi Frank looks at the young auditor through the top of his glasses, scratches his beard in that very wise old man manner and finally says, "Young man, I know for sure this will not be taxable. We save them up for about a year then we send them to Revenue Canada, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you. "

A farmer was sitting on his porch one afternoon, when a Transportation Department Truck pulled up along side the road in front of his property. The driver got out of the truck, walked to the grassy area next to the road, dug a hole, then got back into the truck. A few minutes later a passenger in the truck got out, walked to the hole, proceeded to fill it back in, and then returned to the truck. The driver then moved the truck 50 feet up the road, and the process repeated itself. This went on for the entire stretch of road in front of the farmer's house.

The farmer, who was already a bit upset about the poor quality of the road, couldn't believe his eyes. He stormed down to the truck, pounded on the window, and demanded to know what was going on.
The driver replied, "We're part of a highway beautification project, but the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

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