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One Sunday a preacher cancelled his services and went bear hunting. At mid morning he spotted a large bear and while stalking it, he slipped, dropped his rifle down a ravine, and made enough noise to attract the bear. Taking off with the bear in hot pursuit, he unfortunately tripped over a vine and the bear was nearly upon him. On impulse he started to pray.

"Lord", he said, please give that bear some Christian attributes."

Sure enough, about ten feet away the bear stopped, looked up into the sky and breathed, "Lord for the bounty I am about to receive, I thank you."

*****

St. Peter was giving this fellow a tour of heaven. They passed by this pit from which came the most horrible moans. He looked askance and St. Peter said, "Those are Catholics who used birth control."

They passed a second pit and St. Peter said: "Those are merely Baptists who took pleasure in dancing while on earth.

At a third pit St. Peter said, "Oh, those are Episcopalians who ate their dessert with their salad forks."

*****

Fellow went into a restaurant, perused the menu, looked at the luscious waitress and said, "How about a quickie?"

She slapped his face and walked away. A little later a second waitress, just as pretty, came over and he said, "I'd like a quickie."

She slapped his face and left.

Shortly afterwards, the manager came over to see what the trouble was. The fellow said, "I was just ordering a quickie", and showed it on the menu to the manager.

"I'm sorry, sir", said the manager, but you pronounce that 'quiche'."

*****

A store manager realizes he has money problems and decides the only option he has is to downsize the staff. Problem is, he only has two employees, Jack and Jill, and they're both very good. So he decides that the first one to take a coffee break that day will be the one to go.

To his surprise, neither Jack nor Jill takes a break. So he decides whichever one goes to lunch first will be the one to go.

To his surprise, neither one takes a lunch. So he decides whoever leaves first that day will be the one to go. But they both stay well after 5:00.

Finally, Jill gets up and heads for her coat. The manager runs over to her and says, "I really have a problem, I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

To which Jill replies, "Well, you better jack-off, I'm late for my bus!"

*****

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