Back when traditional family values meant something... lessons from the Homeplace
Today, the phrase "traditional family values" is almost synonymous with bigotry and intolerance. It has been co-opted by special interests desiring to put a decent face on indecent beliefs. But there was a time when traditional family values meant just that: core beliefs which preserved and imparted the wisdom of a family’s elders to the younger generations.
I’ve been thinking lately about the family values I learned as a child living on my grandmother’s Kansas farm. Called "the Homeplace" by everyone in my family, Grandma’s farm was homesteaded by my family in 1882. My family were pioneers, and could best be described as conservative Republicans. However, theirs was not the judgmental, mean-spirited type of conservatism so common today. It was an honorable conservatism based on work ethic, honesty, character and charity.
In 1959 Grandma’s farm still had a hand pump for water, a wood stove for cooking, a big galvanized tub for bathing and an outhouse located in the back yard. We didn’t drive to the store for milk, we just walked up to the barn with a milk pail twice a day, and my job was gathering eggs from the hen house.
It may sound primitive, but those were among the happiest days of my childhood, and I’m grateful to have such a close personal tie to my pioneer ancestors.
Grandma Monaghan passed away many years ago, we lost my mother in 1999, and the Homeplace is no longer in our family -- but I wanted my children to have some sense of their family history and of the values imparted to me by my grandmother and mother, Cynthia Iford. Toward that end I compiled this list of the values I learned as a child in 1950s Kansas. Here are the traditional family values I grew up with:
(I should explain for you city slickers that if freshly mown hay is rained on prior to being put up, the hay will mildew and be ruined. This was devastating for homesteaders, who without an ample feed supply could lose their livestock - and their farm - during the harsh Kansas winters.)
- If your neighbor’s hay is cut and laying in the field and it looks like rain, stop what you are doing and go help your neighbors get their hay in. Don’t expect or ask for pay, just know that next week if your hay is cut and it looks like rain, your neighbors will be there to help you.
- Be thrifty with your money. If someone pressures you to buy something, saying it’s too good to pass up, just remember: There will always be opportunities to spend your money, but unless you are careful you may not always have your money to spend.
- Always play fair. Be modest when you win and gracious when you lose, and know that the true winner of any contest is not always the one who came in first, but the person who tried hardest and showed the most character. Never cheat or take advantage of another’s weakness to win. People who think winning is all that matters have already lost the game that matters most.
- Always negotiate the best deal you can, but never try to get something for nothing, for that is stealing. Give honest work for an honest dollar, and good value on your merchandise or services. Remember that in every venture you undertake, you are not just making money, you are building, or destroying, your reputation. You’ve inherited a fine reputation from your family. Strive to pass that same fine reputation on to your children.
- Share. No matter how little you have, always be ready to give something to the needy person who has less. You will be richer, not poorer, for what you give.
- Choose carefully those with whom you associate, for you will adopt their characteristics. Birds of a feather do flock together, and the faces of your friends are often the truest mirror of your own character.
- Be tolerant and understanding of those who are different than yourself, always bearing in mind that from their point of view, you are the one who is different.
- Racism is the greatest evil plaguing humanity, and if you witness any act of racism, you must fight to stop it.
- Stand up for what you believe in. However steep the cost of staying true to your convictions, the price of having no convictions is far harsher.
- Don’t remain silent in the face of evil. Always speak out against intolerance, bigotry and injustice. A person who is silent in the face of evil becomes a willing participant in that evil.
- Be courteous and polite. Always say please and thank you, hold the door for the next person, and if you see an elderly person having difficulty climbing stairs or carrying a package, stop and help them. Demonstrating good manners shows people you were raised by good people. Bad manners disgrace your entire family.
- Always tell the truth and never take something which belongs to another. Protect your reputation for integrity and honesty, always showing good character and remembering that in all your endeavors you represent the entire family.
- Be prepared to stand up for the little guy wrongly accused or belittled. Keep in mind that size is relevant, and someday you may be the little guy in need of help.
- Don’t follow the crowd: Make your own decisions. There is a fine line between majority rule and mob rule, and when the majority uses their power to persecute a minority, that line has been crossed.
- Except for self-defense, never resort to violence. Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away from a fight you know you can win than to take on a fight you might lose.
"What matters most is not what others think of you, but what you know to be true about yourself."
Reid Iford
You are not a Clockwork Orange - Main Page
All too often the phrase "traditional family values" has become simply a means of justifying intolerance against those whom your spiritual leader fears, or against whatever group is being used to generate fear (and obedience) among the faithful. Intolerance, bigotry and fear may be traditional family values in some homes. Thankfully, they are not in mine.
© 1997 reid@teleport.com
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