Islamic Views on Domestic Violence

by Ama F. Shabazz

"0 you who Believe! Truly among your wives and your children are some who are enemies to yourselves, so beware of them, but if you forgive and overlook and cover up their faults, surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. Your riches and your children may be a test, but in the Presence of Allah is the highest reward." (Quran 64:11-15)

Of all of the horrible crimes that are steadily increasing in the United States, perhaps the most heartbreaking and far-reaching is domestic violence. In 1992, the American Medical Association predicted that as many as one in three women will be assaulted by a domestic partner in her lifetime, four million per year. According to a September 1994 report from MS. Magazine, each year in the U.S., injuries sustained from domestic violence result in nearly 100,000 cases of hospitalization, 30,000 emergency room visits and 40,000 doctor visits. Each year medical expenses from domestic violence total at least $3 billion. The FBI reports that in 1992, 29 percent of all female murder victims were slain by husbands or boyfriends, and fifty per cent of all homeless women and children were fleeing from domestic violence.

Sadly, more than three million children witness violence in their homes each year, and they are adversely affected in countless ways. Understandably, such children often reflect the emotional turmoil caused by seeing the father whom they love abusing the mother whom they also love. Studies indicate that children who grow up with domestic violence are far more likely to exhibit negative behaviors such as: social withdrawal, serious problems with temper tantrums, treating pets cruelly, and seeking attention through hitting, kicking, or choking. A tell-tale reaction of children growing up in violent homes is their tendency to cringe whenever someone raises an arm for any reason. In fact, one third of the children who have witnessed their mothers being battered demonstrate significant behavioral and emotional problems such as stuttering, sleep disruption, excessive crying, and poor academic performance. Even more unfortunate is the fact that fifty percent of the women who are abused misdirect their bitterness and pain onto their innocent children and beat them. Because such children often have difficulty trusting others, they eventually resort to run-away behavior and often experience difficulty in marital relationships when they become adults. A report entitled "The Invisible Victim: Children of the War At Home" asserts that 79 per cent of violent children have witnessed violence between their parents. Studies by Hotaling and Sugerman indicate that boys who witness their fathers' abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence as adults. Likewise, the same studies conclude that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as an adult than women from peaceful homes.

The ripples go beyond the homes into the schools where children act out their anguish by fighting with classmates and teachers, into the workplace where 25 per cent of problems such as absenteeism due to injury and court appearances, lower productivity, and employee turnover are direct results of family violence, and into courtrooms and prisons that are overwhelmed with cases of domestic abuse. In June 1991, it was announced at a presentation at the Harvard School of Public Health that there were 2,000 battered women in America who were serving time for defending their lives against batterers.

To add to the chaos, enemies of Islam try to imply that Islam condones domestic violence. They cite from the Qur'an: "As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first, then do not share their beds, and last, strike them lightly, but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means of annoyance: for Allah is Most High, Above you all." (Quran 4:34) As usual, they are distorting the meaning of this passage and taking it out of context. It applies to the case of "Nushuz" (extreme defiance, contempt, lewdness) on the part of the wife and disregard for her marital obligations. It recommends a progression of strategies to try to reform her behavior, first admonition, secondly withholding affection, and only as a last resort, a symbolic light striking which according to Islamic jurists may not be in her face, must not leave any mark on her body, and has no more physical impact than a tap from a miswak (small toothbrush). At the same time, those who attempt to distort this passage are overlooking many sayings of Allah and Prophet Muhammad, "How does any of you beat his wife as he beats a stallion camel and then feel that he may embrace her?" (Bukhari)

In fact, instead of condoning domestic violence, Islam, the way of life that brings peace through submission and surrender to The Will of The Creator, offers an entirely different picture of how husband and wife relations should be conducted. The Qur'an encourages a tenderness and empathy between the husband and wife: It is He Who created you from a single person, and made your mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love. When you are united, she bears a light burden and carries it about unnoticed. When she grows heavy, they both pray to Allah, "If You give us a goodly child, we vow we shall ever be grateful." (Quran 7:189) Thus Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta 'Ala has intended for husbands and wives to live together peacefully, to bear children and rear them properly, and to be grateful to Him for the blessing of their family life. Undoubtedly, for Muslims, the best examples of how families should communicate and interact can be found in the household of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his righteous companions (ra) for Rasulullah (pbuh), his relationships with his family were based on love and affection, not subordination and servitude.

Rasulullah (pbuh) demonstrated kind treatment of family members:

Anas (ra) reported Rasulullah (pbuh) as saying: "He who wishes to have his provision enlarged and his term of life prolonged should treat his relatives well. (Bukhari, Muslim) Reported Anas (ra): I have never seen anyone more kind to his family than Allah's Messenger (pbuh). (Muslim)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) taught men to be tolerant of flaws in their wives. He often reminded his companions of an ayat from the Quran (4:1 0) "Treat them kindly. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it." He (pbuh) enjoyed leisure time and allowed his family to have fun. Many hadith speak of his running against Aisha in foot races and joking with her about who would win. He even allowed his very young grandsons, Hasan and Husain, to play on his shoulders while he was making salaat.

Rasulullah (pbuh) permitted wives to have freedom of expression:

It is narrated by Umar that once he shouted at his wife, and she retorted back, and he disliked her answering back. She said to him, "Why are you surprised at my answering you back? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet answer him back and some of them may avoid speaking to him throughout the day until the night." This talk frightened Umar so he went to his daughter, Hafsa (ra) who was married to Rasulullah (pbuh) and asked, "Do any of you keep the Prophet annoyed until night?" She said "yes." (Bukhari)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) encouraged generosity to enhance family ties and reduce resentment: He (pbuh) said: 'When a Muslim spends something on his family in- tending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as sadaqah for him." (Bukhari) Narrated Aisha (ra) that Hind bint Utba came to Rasulullah (pbuh) and said, "O Allah's Messenger! Abu Sufiyan (her husband) is a miser and he does not give me enough for me and my children. Can I take of his property without his knowledge9" Rasulullah (pbuh) replied, "Take what is sufficient for you and your children in a reasonable way." (Bukhari)

The Prophet (pbuh) demonstrated in action as well as words consideration of the feelings of others. We should never be so rigid with having our own way that we fail to consider the feelings of our family members. Even in a matter as important as salah, we find some room for flexibility and special consideration for the feelings of women and children. Rasulullah (pbuh) said, "As I start salah, I wish t prolong it, but as soon as I hear the crying of a child I shorten it so as to make it easier for the child' mother. (Reported by Al-Bukhari)

Islam has offered marriage counseling to troubled couples for 14 centuries.

Rasulullah (pbuh) avoided getting angry with his family members even in the most stressful situations. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) emphasized control of one's temper and taught effective ways to curb anger. He advised his companions (ra) that if they found themselves becoming angry while standing, they should sit down, and if they become angry while sitting, they should lie down. (Agreed upon) Rather than getting embroiled in quarrels with escalating tempers, he avoided getting angry, sounding accusatory, judgmental, or focusing on blaming. Instead, he would first try to express concern about the problem, gather all the facts, and then calmly try to analyze the best solution. Consider the incident of the slander against a wife of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), Aisha (ra), who was inadvertently left behind during an expedition and was brought back to the group by a man named Safwan. Evil people started rumors against A'isha's honor, but Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) never accused Aisha of the slander and never became a typical outraged husband. While the rumors were spreading, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) visited Aisha in her parents' home, sat down, and quietly said, "O Aisha, I have been informed of such and such a thing about you, and if you are innocent, Allah will reveal your innocence, and if you have committed a sin, then ask Allah's forgiveness and repent to Him, for when a slave confesses his sin and then repents to Allah, Allah accepts his repentance." (Bukhari) Clearly, Islam encourages kind treatment of family members. Likewise, these examples illustrate what Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) meant when he said: "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my family." (Mishkat, hadith #2 chapter 35)

Moreover, Islam for fourteen centuries has offered marriage counseling as sensible advice for couples who begin to feel that they are incompatible. If you fear a breach between the two of them, appoint arbiters - one from his family and one from hers. If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation. For Allah has full knowledge and is acquainted with all things." (Quran 4.-35) Finally, if all efforts to resolve the tensions in the home fail, Islam allows a peaceful dissolution of the marriage. If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best even though men's souls are swayed by greed. But if you do good and practice self-restraint, Allah is well acquainted with all that you do. (Qur'an 4:128)

Most importantly, husbands and wives should turn to Allah to bring harmony to their marriages because He hears and responds to their prayers. Consider the case of ]Khaula bint Thalaba (ra), the wife of Aus ibn Samit. Her husband tried to divorce her by a pagan custom of Zihar, an unjustifiable excuse to be freed from the marriage commitment. She prayed to Allah, and a revelation was sent to Rasulullah (,-nbuh) in her behalf. Allah has indeed heard and accepted the statement of the woman who pleads about her husband and carries her complaint in prayer to Allah. And Allah always hears the arguments between both sides among you, for Allah hears and sees all things; (Quran, 58:1) Of course, we cannot receive new revelation for our problems today because the Qur'an is complete and sealed as the Final Revelation. Nevertheless, if we study the Qur'an, make dua, and make istikahra with open minds and totally submissive hearts, Allah will guide us for important decisions and issues in our family life. Ultimately, we must bear in mind, that as much as we may love our families, our love and commitment to Allah (SWT) must be even greater.

To summarize, families in America today face enormous challenges and can benefit from the instructions of the Holy Qur'an and the example of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) who was an ideal family man. From this guidance, families can reflect the truth of the following words:

And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts; surely in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)