May 21, 1998
In a message dated May 21, 1998 HOWARD8984 writes:
Howard8984 writes: "I couldn’t resist sending you all this sort of funny scenario concerning Santa. Osareya uses him in many examples."
Yielding to temptation is one of the first signs of Asantaclausianity!! Repent now, or SUFFER FROZEN WASTE!!
Howard8984 asks: "IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?"
Of course Santa Claus exists. I will show everyone how the points that Howard brings up against Santaclausism can be dodged by any layperson’s allegiance to subjectivism (which is the view that existence finds its source in a form of consciousness).
Howard8984 begins to enumerate the points in his argument against Santaclausism, or belief in Santa Claus:
"1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified; and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen."
Of course this does not rule out Santa’s reindeer. Santa’s reindeer (rangifer tarandus helios) have not yet been classified by the more pedestrian taxonomists, even thought this classification already exists at the North Pole (some erroneously call this chilly place heaven). Santa, as an inherently necessary supernatural being, has purposely kept this divine knowledge from mortal scientists (who are still dead in their sins, according to Santaclausinity), so this knowledge is privileged and reserved only for the chosen, not the damned.
Howard8984 continues: "2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 million homes. On presumes there’s at least one good child in each."
Santa, as an inherently necessary supernatural being, is omnipotent, and therefore a master of appearances. To the Western mind, this is incomprehensible precisely because there is too much reason in their culture (though with the influence of Christianity, this is diminishing). The true fact is (and we Santaclausists know this by Santa’s revelation) that Santa visits these children at other parts of the year - during the holidays that he has intentionally set up in their respective cultures to appear as if they were traditionally part of their culture. Don’t ask HOW Santa has done this, the fact is, Santa HAS done this. It requires no explanation, one simply believes. That’s all part of the magic of Santa! And it’s the biggest joy that children throughout the world could ever imagine! Isn’t that what it’s all about? It’s for the children! <gasp>
Howard8984 proceeds with point number 3: "3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/100th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding the reindeer and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a porky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour."
You silly human!! You can’t apply human means of knowledge to Santagod!! This is most blasphemous!! Santagod exists beyond reason, beyond nature, beyond identity, BEYOND EXISTENCE!!! Santagod, as an omnipotent being (he can deliver one Christmas’s load of gifts (‘paluka’ in Santa-talk) in a single flash! He is not restricted to your causal universe!! This would imply that Santagod is limited in some way!! Santagod is also omniscient! He knows if you’ve believed in those false gods! If you have (woe to you if you have!!) he just might give your stocking a miss the next holiday season!! Santagod is omnibenevolent! He rewards righteousness with righteous Toys-R-Us gifts!! "Nothing but the best" says Santagod in behalf of the faithful.
Howard thinks the speed of Santa’s delivery is only 650 miles per second? Sacrilege!! Santa refers to your light’s pace as ‘turtle’s gait’! Santagod is not bound to your ‘calculations’!! Who are you to limit Santagod?!?!
All these things that confuse Howard happen for a reason.
Howard8984 continues his list of ‘concerns’: "4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego Set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as over-weight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see Pt. 1) above) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine [reindeer]. We need 241,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the person)."
Santagod considers such ‘obstacles’ as child’s play! In fact, that’s why he likes them so much, because it is just another chance for Santagod to express his youthful righteous holy love of life and joy! In fact, it is Santagod’s very means of spreading worldwide joy to the children who deserve it. Now who could argue with that??? Again, it’s for the children.
Howard8984 states his next point: "5) 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joule’s of energy - per second. Each, in short, will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa, (which seems ludicrously slim), would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force."
Nonsense!! Again, Santagod is NOT bound to your naturalistic presumptions! Santagod is able to transcend all these barriers with uncommon ease!! This is just another attempt of pitiful man (i.e., children after they’ve grown up and abandoned Santaclausism) trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, and know the unknowable. Santagod’s ways are a mystery to pitiful men like Howard!!
Howard8984 wraps it up: "In Conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now."
Santagod is very much alive!! If you do not believe, then Santagod will not deliver you presents, but will deliver you to frozen wasteland of Yaca Puma where Blarko the evil IceGod will have his way with you!! Believe now, or forever be damned in your frozenheartedness!!
T-ee-hee-indrbox!
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© Copyright 1999 by Anton Thorn. All rights reserved.
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