retarded.wav(99k)

    Tommy: I was checking the, uh, specs on the endline rotary...gurter....I'm retarted...I...
     Tom Senior: Ok, Tom, let's go.
 
 

luke.wav(176k)

    Tommy: La la Luuuuuke, Luuuuuke. I am your father. Lo la lo le lo lo la lo (Richard walks in)
    Richard: Ohhh, I've interrupted happy time.
 
 

maniac.wav(117k)

    Tommy: (Singing) "She's a maniac, maniac on the floor. And she's dancing like she's never danced before."
 
 

crash.wav(657k)

    Tommy: Like... um. Let's say you're driving along the road with your family, and you're driving along lolly
                  la whoo who. Then all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road and you hit the
                  brakes, RRRRR. Whoa, that was close. (Ha ha) Now let's see what happens when you're driving
                  with the other guy's brakepads. You're driving along, you're driving along you know all of the sudden
                  the kids are yelling from the backseat "I got to go to to bathroom, daddy." "NOT NOW DAMMIT!"
                  Truck tire, RRRRR. "I CAN'T STOP! HELP!" There's a cliff, ARRRGH! And your family screaming
                  "OH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING ALIVE! NO I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!" Here comes the meat wagon
                  weeeoo weeooo weeeooo, and the medic gets out and says "OH MY GOD!" New guy in the corner is
                  puking his guts out BLAAAH BLAAAH. All because you want to save a couple of extra pennies.
 
 

awesome.wav(75k)

    Tommy: I sware I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that was AWESOME!
 
 

bridge.wav(228k)

    Tommy: Forget it! I can't do this anymore, man! My head's about to explode, my whole life sucks! I don't know
                  what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi. I'm out here
                  getting my ass kicked. And, every time I drive down the road, I want to jerk the wheel into a god damn
                  bridge imputment!
 
 

thatswhyisuck.wav(495k)

    Tommy: Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Let's say I go in some guy's office, let's say he's even remotely
                  interested in buying something. Well, then I get all excited, I'm like JOE JOE, the idiot circus boy, with
                  a pretty new pet, with the pet as my possible sale. Oh my pretty little pet I love you. So I stroke it and I
                  pet it and massage it, (hee hee) I love it, I love my naught little pet. Your naughty! Then I take naughty
                  pet and I go CRRRRR, CRRRRR! ...OHHHHH! I KILLED IT! I KILLED MY SALE!
 
 

littlecoat.wav(221k)

    Richard: Don't, don't!
    Tommy: Fat guy little coat. Fat guy little coat.
    Richard: Don't!
    Tommy: (Singing) "Fat guy in little coat. Fat guy in little coat."
    Richard: Take it off dickhead, I'm serious.
    Tommy: Richard, what's happening? (Coat rips)
 
 

yankees.wav(422k)

    Tommy: Richard! What are you doing?
    Richard: Going over some documents.
    Tommy: Where are they? Geez, I don't see them.
    Richard: They're in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza?
    Tommy: They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they are in your briefcase? Hmm... that's
                  a mystery. Richard, were you watching 'Spank-tro-vision?'
     Richard: Okay then, let's hit it.
    Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, ohhh what's his name Buddy WHACK-IT?
    Richard: Alright the, let's get some shut-eye.
    Tommy:  Hey, that's a pretty girl down there.
    Richard: Good for her.
    Tommy:  Geez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the YANKEES!
 
 

guarantee.wav(106k)

    Tommy: ...cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit, that's all it iis,isn't it? Hey, if you
                  want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time.
 
 

housekeeping.wav(352k)

    Richard: Housekeeping.
    Tommy: No thank you, sleeping.
    Richard: (Knock) Housekeeping?
    Tommy: Come back in an hour.
    Richard: (Knock) Housekeeping, you want towels?
    Tommy: No towels, need sleepy.
    Richard: (Knock) Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
    Tommy: Please go away. Let me sleep for the LOVE OF GOD!
    Richard: (Knock) Housekeeping, you want me to jerk you off?
    Tommy: What type of motel is this? Oh it's you.