Sometimes, issues that were previously of great importance are dwarfed by a subsequent reality.

You and your future spouse will change over the course of time, and some issues that seem of primary importance today may no longer have the same relevance. Women look different after some pregnancies, and the husband's growing paunch and receding gray hairline may cause a double-take after viewing old photos. Goals, desires, and feelings all change.

Your athletic and energetic husband who would go running every morning may begin to smoke every evening as he slumps in front of a book or a newspaper. Under the best of circumstances he may casually read a sefer kodesh.

Why is this important?

Our visions of our mates while we are young are all too often determined by physical characteristics and attributes. We don't always give sufficient consideration to other issues that may be more important.

This may be exacerbated by our society, which stresses external appearances and often minimizes the importance of various inner qualities.

True, people prefer to associate with those who make them feel good. They may want to be proud in public,or in the other person's environment. However, these feelings can sometimes be promoted by issues other than beauty. Indeed, beauty fades over time, while some other characteristics grow in value and importance.

Perhaps this can be best explained by considering the following situation:

What would happen if you would marry the partner of your dreams? Would you select a lovely or handsome person because of external appearance? In that case, let us say that your comely partner is involved in an accident and is disfigured for life.

Has the basis for your marriage been removed? Will the marriage be terminated as a result of that accident? Would you have no more reason to enjoy that person's companionship? Would you still want to spend your old age with that person?

King Solomon wrote that שקר החן והבל היופי - some things are far more important to a person than their appearance. He delineated the characteristics of a woman of valor. Not surprisingly, he considered religious devotion and various traits, skills, and qualities to be paramount in importance.

Not all people are capable of making this switch. It is indeed hard to put all of these Hollywood-based factors aside. For this reason it may be a good idea to consider another opinion if you are torn between a person's inner and outer beauty. A confidant will able to help in this case.

This issue is of great importance before deciding to date a person. After the first date, it may be very difficult to separate physical and emotional feelings. As a result, the decision may be made for the wrong reasons.

It is therefore important to control the issue of physical attraction before the first date. In this way, it will be possible to consider the person's other attributes, and to make a reasoned decision about your partnership, based upon the issues that are really of paramount importance.

Of course, if you are indeed embarrassed or repulsed by a person's looks, then don't marry that person, despite other characteristics.

However, if that person meets all of your other criteria, then you and your confidant may want to add weight to internal criteria, and assign less weight to external looks.