It happens.

You may decide to stop dating for any legitimate reason. Well-meaning people may say that it is better at this stage. While that is true, the decision may still be painful.

How should you inform the other person that you are breaking off?

You have the following options.

• Do nothing. At some point, the other person will realize that you are not interested, and go on to somebody else
  However, this is certainly not fair to your previous partner.
• Leave a message through somebody else.
  However, this does not show strength of character
• Write a letter or send email
• Call the person and say that it is over
• Schedule another date without telling the other person why (but see the next item)
• Schedule another date but inform the other person gently that it will be the last one

These options were listed in increasing order of difficulty for you, but also in increasing order of courtesy and consideration for your previous partner.

Why is this consideration necessary or important? After all, you have decided to terminate your relationship.

Beyond the obvious need for menschlichkeit and good manners, Jewish tradition points to the need to be courteous when breaking off.

In certain circumstances, it may be necessary to apologize orally and in writing for any discomfort that your partner had experienced during the process. In other cases, people who have ended relationships in a poor manner have been plagued by guilt for a long time thereafter.

There are various reasons for the need to be considerate and courteous at this time.

• You did raise your partner's hopes for a continued relationship
• Your partner is not bad
  • You found enough positive qualities or attributes in the person to go on several dates
  • The person was good enough at one time to be considered a life's partner

Yes, you did not make it to the chuppa with this person. However, that does not mean that the other person has turned bad. He or she may well have a good and healthy relationship with somebody else.

Is this courtesy a common practice? Not necessarily.

If you ask others, will they make the same or similar recommendation? Not necessarily.

The more difficult but more rewarding options or directions may be applicable under the following circumstances:

• If you want to act in a good and proper manner
• If you want to have a clear conscience
• If you want to follow Jewish tradition

Engaged?

These recommendations about breaking off assume that you are still not engaged, and that you have not finalized any agreements about future plans. If you are already engaged, or if you have made any formal or informal agreement or commitment, then please speak to your Rabbi. A decision about the time and place of your proposed wedding may also impact on whether, or how, you would break off.