They say you can't tell where your match may come from, so you shouldn't turn down any offers.

Perhaps. There may be some justification to that claim.

However, some considerations may confound this conventional wisdom.

Choosing one offer

Let's say that you receive two offers. One is from a source whom you respect deeply, such as your Rabbi or Rebbetzin, Madrich or Madricha, or from a teacher, while the other is from a casual acquaintance. Which source is better?

Your initial reaction is likely to favor your helpful and learned Rabbi. He has always shown a great deal of wisdom, and you have learned to trust him in all matters relating to Gemara, as well as in other matters involving common sense and life skills.

However, that doesn't mean that your Rabbi is trained to make good matches. In some cases, his recommendation may be far more problematic than you may realize. Here's why:

You lose a great deal of your own choice when your Rabbi recommends a match. He wields gentle and loving authority and power. That means that you might not be able to view the date objectively.

• You may tend to accept his concepts of a good match rather than those you developed with your confidant
• You may then feel that your wise Rabbi knows what you need better than you and your confidant
• This tendency will increase if you have a positive relationship with your Rabbi
• It will increase still more when you realize that you will have to face him every day
• In addition, your Rabbi may know how to "push the right buttons" in order to persuade you to put aside your own feelings and to listen to his recommendation
• Finally, you may not want to feel a need to defend potentially controversial issues on your private, confidential list - even with your Rabbi

This will lead to a difficult situation. You've already learned to limit yourself to only one confidant, but your Rabbi's suggestions may have the impact of a second confidant. Furthermore, although your Rabbi does have an idea of what you are like, you determined your own list of characteristics and traits when you created your own list.

Let's look at the situation in another way. The Rabbi suggested the match, so he takes an interest in it. If you don't particularly like what you've found on the date, then it may be harder to say no to a second date. The Rabbi may want to sit with you and ask what could possibly be wrong with his match. The potential for this meeting creates subtle pressure. Since you may feel the need to defend your decision to terminate your dates with this person, you may decide that is is easier to go on a second (but unwanted) date, rather than to disappoint the Rabbi.

On the other hand, it may be much easier to turn down an offer from a casual acquaintance. You feel no obligation or pressure towards that person. You are more in control of the situation.

In such cases, the referral from a casual friend may be preferable to that from a Rabbi or another respected person.

Oh, you say, that can't be the case. My Rabbi certainly has my best interest in mind.

You're probably right.

However, other issues are involved. Furthermore, both the Rabbi and the acquaintance are likely to be blessed with the identical (lack of) training in successful matchmaking practices.