Is it possible to determine whether the two partners on a date are compatible? Is there a way to find out this information before being married for some time?

Possibly.

The couple goes on a series of dates. They are both on their best behavior. Each one is trying to impress the other. Each one has been given guidelines and hints about how to act in order to succeed. Is this an indication that both of them are compatible? It is difficult to know how they will act when they are relaxed - and not on a date.

Thus, it is entirely possible that your initial feelings will be positive and you will like your date.

Furthermore, if both partners have good persuasive or debating skills, then they may convince the other that they are interested in marrying. However, it is unlikely that you will feel that good persuasive or debating skills are necessary for a good lifelong marriage!

The fact that love and compatibility cannot be measured in a satisfactory manner in advance should lead to only one conclusion: They should not be the firm basis for your decision.

That's right. Your time will be spent better if you look for things that can be measured or evaluated.

That does not mean that compatibility is any less important. It does mean that the young couple cannot be expected to be able to determine with any certainty whether it exists after several dates.

There is more.

You will enjoy each other's company as a young couple for a brief time after you are married. During that time you will get to know each other. You will try to determine a joint family policy. You may grow to love each other.

However, if all goes well, your family will grow within that first year. You and your spouse will not be able to work on your compatibility for a long time before other, more crucial issues, come along.

This change takes less time than you may have imagined. The baby begins to take over your life well before it is born. There are doctor appointments, special exercises, and special birthing courses.

Although your relationship, love, and compatibility with your spouse is important after the baby arrives, the young couple will have to spend a great deal of time helping each other raise a good Jewish family.

In time, other children will arrive. The time that you and your spouse spend together may be relatively brief. In contrast, the time that you spend with your children constitutes the major part of your active married life.

This focus on the children continues for many years, until you face the "empty nest syndrome," when the youngest of your children starts an independent home.

That’s many decades away. You will be 50, 60, or even older before the last child has left home. During this time you will have learned to grow together and you will have changed together – for better or for worse – and you will be different people.

Will you be compatible partners at that time - when it counts? What will you face? What kind of a person will your spouse be at that time?

You will not know at the time that you get married.

However, it is certainly clear that those external characteristics which had seemed so important in your youth have faded - both in reality and in importance.

Other issues affect your compatibility with your spouse. You may want a person who thinks the way you do – or (alternatively) one who complements your way of thinking. You may be interested in someone who encourages you to improve yourself. You may want your partner to offer intangible elements and qualities to your home, as reflected in your list.

These considerations are far more important than ephemeral, changing, external issues.