...'הנסתרות לה Your confidant helps you find the person whom you want. However, under certain circumstances, even the best of confidants may fail.
Why is this the case?
Under normal circumstances, he shouldn't fail. The system works. However, if you bypass the system, then you may prevent it from working properly.
Imagine trying to make a different decision of (less) importance, such as the purchase of an apartment. You explain to the real estate agent that you want three bedrooms on the ground floor, with an outdoor patio, near a grocery store and a shul. However, you neglect or are embarrassed to say to the Gentile agent that you want to live in a religious Jewish neighborhood. As with many other poorly developed prayers, you may well get what you asked for.
The confidant has a similar situation. He depends on having all of the facts and information. Was it presented in a fair and objective manner? Have you presented your own feelings about each of those facts? Have you presented all questions and feelings of doubt, elation, love, or other factors?
After all, the confidant has no way of knowing whether you have omitted important information that you considered to be trivial or unimportant.
Some people may reveal a "laundered" list of good things about the prospective partner to their confidant. They expect the confidant to judge the issue based on their partial report. Obviously, this removes the value and benefit of the confidant.
Have you been too sensitive about accepting comments from the confidant? Does the confidant feel that he will hurt you by asking difficult questions? If so, then the result may be less satisfactory than desired.
You are too closely involved in the dating process to be able to decide what things are important. Furthermore, other, different issues may arise over the course of time, and they may change the relative importance of existing issues.
Don't make decisions about what to relate to your confidant. It's better to say too much than too little. A good confidant will focus on the important information and ignore the rest.
Does the fact that you have a confidant guarantee that you will make the right choice?
Of course not.
The mere existence of a confidant guarantees nothing. Mistakes could happen with or without a confidant. Many happy marriages result from dating without the benefit of a confidant. Others suffer a divorce after having the benefit of a wonderful confidant.
However, the confidant offers a buffer of security. If he is given the necessary facts and information, he can remove confusions and doubts from your mind, and he can raise the likelihood that you will be able to succeed with your decision. Your greater assistance, סיעתא דשמיא, comes from Above.
והנגלות לנו ולבנינו עד עולם
לעשות את כל דברי התורה הזאת
The issues that are not revealed
belong to the L-rd our G-d
but those that are revealed
belong to us
and to our children forever
That we may do all the words of this Law
- Deuteronomy 29:28
What should you tell your confidant?
Conclusion
See the next article in this series
Read more articles about dating
Read more about parenting
Find out about the Jewish Parenting Forum
Find out about other Jewish and Hebrew forums
Are you required to read this webpage for a course? Do NOT print out the article. It is copyrighted.
Your exercise for this article is as follows:
Copyright © David Grossman. World rights reserved. This article may not be printed, forwarded, reproduced, or copied in any way or in any medium without written permission from David Grossman.
