In-laws are the recipients of many jokes. Yes, they are told in jest, but each joke includes a modicum of truth.

Just as you may want to marry your children’s parent, you may also consider marrying your in-laws. Don't worry about the arithmetic – your total number of marriage partners will not be greater than one.

This may seem surprising. After all, despite the fact that people should indeed look for various things when dating, most lists will probably not include a desire to marry in-laws.

However, it would be useful to consider the following issues:

Many otherwise fine marriages falter because of conflicts with in-laws. Although the couple may be well-suited for each other in many ways, the in-laws may have a different agenda that could cause the couple to suffer.

Under the best of circumstances, it is difficult to maintain a solid relationship – shalom bayit – between two individuals. It is more difficult when in-laws fight for the supposed welfare of their own child. This meddling and the resulting friction may be more than the couple can take.

Yes, some marriages do survive despite the undesirable involvement of their in-laws. However, this often places so much strain that the marriage may collapse.

After all, a child's primary allegiance during the first two or so decades of life is to the parents, guardians, Rebbe, or teachers. A good Jew follows the Biblical injunction to honor his or her father and mother. This respect continues after marriage, albeit on a different scale. It takes time for the spouse to gain the status that is deserved.

This is not the right time for a tug-of-war relationship between the spouse and the in-laws. Indeed, it is one reason why some parents give the children a full year "on their own" before initiating any contact. Yes, they're in touch, but usually the newlyweds make the call. Those parents call only if an extended period of time goes by without hearing from the new couple.

If you seem to feel some danger signs arising, then you may want to take action.

Can anything be done?

It may be possible for you to have an open and free discussion with your in-laws to work things out. In order to increase the possibility of success, the meeting should be initiated by the child of the contentious in-laws, and not by the person who is marrying into that family.

After enough compromises have been reached, then it may be possible to enjoy a successful marriage. Be sure to resolve any potential "I-told-you-so" issues.

A potential in-law may refrain from raising topics at this time in order to avoid hurting you. Reassure them that they would be doing you a greater service by venting any potential issues at this stage. Explain that everybody wants to remove any impediment to a successful marriage. It may be necessary to involve a third party in order to assure that enough of the potentially problematic issues have been raised.

So, whom should you marry?

Clearly, you are marrying three or more people:

• Your spouse
• Your in-laws
• The parent for your children

These crucial issues are all important in your marriage. Don't overlook them, as they may cause a negative impact on an otherwise satisfactory marriage.

One point should be obvious...

This also means that you should not wait until you are engaged before meeting your future in-laws. It may be too late at that stage.