OK, so I won't change him

Is it imperative for you to get a ready-made fellow, who already knows all of the right social graces?

You might find such a person - but at a price.

• He might have come from from a family with a lot of sisters. Is that a reason to marry a boy?
• He might have dated or in some other way come in contact with enough girls to learn these traits. Is this a reason to favor him?

If his social graces come from a family with many sisters, then there’s no problem.

However, if his knowledge of social graces come from frequent contact with women in any other context, then you may lose more than you gain.

• Will he be thinking of those other women when he is with you?
• Will he be comparing them to you?

There are definite advantages to being one of the first women in his life. As you begin your married lives together, each partner wants to know about and mold the other in order to form a happy and compatible family unit.

Thus, although these social graces are undoubtedly important, they should be kept in their perspective.

Similarly, in the long run, there may be no real advantage to the fact that he comes to the marriage with skills that can be learned. Other things may be far more important.

He doesn't want to get married yet

Women in some societies tend to get married earlier than in others. This time limitation may mean that one party to this commitment feels more pressure to marry than the other party.

First, let us stipulate the following principle:

You may well be able to persuade a boy to marry you. You may be able to circumvent his lack of desire to get married at this time and his other preferences or requirements.

You are probably aware of this fact. However, you should analyze whether you really want to pressure the young man to marry before he is emotionally prepared to do so. Will such a marriage be beneficial for both of you in the long run?

A good, solid marriage should be based on an equal commitment on both sides. Both parties should be equally willing and ready to marry. Neither side should do the other a favor by standing under a chuppah. Each partner should be equally satisfied with and accepting of the limitations of the other without complaint or conditions.

Even if all of these circumstances are met, the marriage will face strains over the course of time. However, if you persuade the man to marry you when he is not yet ready, then he may expect the favor to be returned in the future. At that time, you may feel that his terms or conditions are not fair.

That's right. You may indeed not look at marriage as a quid pro quo arrangement. However, does the boy have the same feeling?

Summary

You may have various requests or demands of your partner:

• You may want him to change in certain ways
• You may want him to learn social graces
• You may want him to get ready before he is ready

You cannot be sure that it will work out. Every situation is different, every individual is different, every couple is different, and every relationship is different.

Furthermore, can you be sure that the boy will or will not look for compensation for "giving in" to your requests?

That being the case, do you want to take the risk?