Each of us bears his own Hell You've heard of skeletons in the closet – "embarrassing secrets from your past which you try not to show to other people."
Everybody has at least one skeleton in the closet. These incidents or issues make some people feel less eligible as a marriage partner. In some cases, this may be true, but only to a limited degree. In other cases, the person may be self-conscious about an issue that is likely to be ignored by others. In still other cases, there may indeed be serious issues that should be hidden.
If you and your partner can discuss the skeletons in your respective closets openly, then your situation is very good indeed. However, don't be fooled into believing that your partner is "better" because he or she seems to have no skeletons. The question is simply whether you're going to find out about them now, while you are dating, or after you get married.
If you and your partner share a sincere and open relationship, then you may both reveal all of the skeletons. In other cases, each of you will reveal only those that you feel like discussing.
No, it means that they choose not to reveal embarrassing issues.
It may not be possible.
The fact is that you will not know everything about your partner before you get married. However, that does not necessarily mean that you should reject the partner. You and your confidant will have to use your judgment.
That does seem to border on paranoia. The fact that the person seems perfect might simply mean that the person is an eligible marriage partner. Why destroy the match just because you don't know about the skeletons? There will always be things that you don't know about a partner until you are already married.
That is correct. These issues could be major, and you may be sorry that you did not find out beforehand, but there's little that can be done about that problem. At a certain point you should stop looking and evaluating – and go forth with your marriage.
It depends upon whether you have a quid pro quo relationship in which you do things only if the partner does an equal and opposite thing. However, that in itself may be a cause for concern.
If you feel open with your partner and you can reveal these skeletons then you have an excellent sign. If you don't, then you may choose to maintain confidentiality of your skeletons in order to preserve the match. However, if you are concerned about breaking up the match because of skeletons in your closet, then you may want to reconsider the viability of that match.
Not at all. However, it does mean that you will have to marry the right person. That person will accept you for what you are and will not reject you because of your skeletons.
But you were going to look for the right person anyhow, weren't you?
- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
--
If the secret sorrows of everyone
could be read on their forehead,
how many who now cause envy
would suddenly become the objects of pity
- Italian proverb
---
We confess our little faults
to persuade people
that we have no large ones
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
writer (1613-1680)
If a partner does not reveal these skeletons, does that mean that they are not suitable as a marriage partner?
Is there a foolproof method of revealing whether a person whom you are dating has serious problems that should invalidate them as a marriage partner?
So how does one enter into a marriage contract without knowing all of these important details about the partner?
If a partner seems to be perfect in every way, should you suspect skeletons in the closet?
Yes, but these could be major issues that will cause us to separate later. Shouldn't I take that issue into account?
Should you reveal the skeletons in your closet if your partner does not reciprocate?
I have skeletons in my closet. Does that meant that I don't have a chance of getting married?
See the next article in this series
Read more articles about dating
Read more articles about parenting
Find out about the Jewish Parenting Forum
Find out about other Jewish and Hebrew forums
Are you required to read this webpage for a course? Do NOT print out the article. It is copyrighted.
Your exercise for this article is as follows:
Copyright © David Grossman. World rights reserved. This article may not be printed, forwarded, reproduced, or copied in any way or in any medium without written permission from David Grossman.
