A woman without a man
is like a fish without a bicycle
- Gloria Steinem

Those who have read the other articles in this series that I have written will find that the concepts presented here fit in very well with the other concepts in all of those other articles and they piece some of this one of society’s ills is similar to that of other issues that have been presented.

There are of course many reasons for the high rate of divorce today. This article will concentrate on two of them. Lack of knowledge and try it we’ll see what happens. If it’s okay I’ll stay. Let’s analyze both of those issues.

Lack of knowledge. Today people get married because of various factors. The people get married an attraction to a particular person and more. However, not everybody really knows what she is getting into before getting married. Many of them do not discuss this with an LINK confidante to see if they are being objective in their decision or if it is best for them or if they are being talked into it by others. Still others don't realize that getting married is an interesting in which the possible partner is on his or her best behavior during dates and there is no way to evaluate what the person is really like. This has been discussed in other articles in our series.

The important thing is that when a person gets married they discover what the partner is really like and having made that discovery after it’s too late, they have several choices but none of them are really good. Some people choose divorce as a way of resolving this problem. Now they do know the person. They did not know the person before. Now that they have found out they say that person was not really for me in the first place.

This could have been handled by getting to know the person better before, by asking others about the person, by getting to know them for a longer period of time, by getting to meet the family, and by evaluating the situation in an objective manner.

The second reason also fits in with these articles.

Just as there are people who make aliyah without knowing what they are getting into, they get married without knowing what they are getting into. Similarly, just as some people say I’ll go to Israel, I’ll move there, we’ll see what it’s like. I’ll leave one foot at home. After all I don't want to cut my options. All too many people say Look, I’ll marry this girl. What could it possibly be? Or this guy. They’re all the same anyhow. This one seems reasonable. Why not? I’ll try it out. If it works out fine. If it doesn’t work out, nu it doesn’t matter that much. How different could he or she be from all of the others? And anyhow, they seem reasonable. The person seems reasonable. Why not?

This cavalier attitude to marriage is another source of divorce, whether it’s divorcing themselves from aliyah, from their new country, or whether it’s divorcing themselves from the potential mate. The result is the same in both cases. Before this the person wasn’t married and now he is. Afterwards the person has options. They may take the option of divorce after which again they are not married but less naïve. The second time around, if there is a second time, then perhaps they will be more careful. They will learn their lesson.

But why not take the advice of others who have been this route already? Who have taken this route already? Why not look into things in a more serious way? Instead of saying we’ll see, we’ll try it out, we’ll get married, we’ll see what happens, how bad could it be, why not take marriage much more seriously from the start? This shidduch between the man and the woman should be too serious an issue to joke around about. The people getting married should look into their options very carefully and they should decide whether it is indeed for them.

As far as breaking off the ties to the past

Nobody is saying that that is the right way to do it. The past is important. The previous friendships are important. The previous relatives are important. And so on.

However, to maintain these ties too closely such that it is a place to fall back on if there should be problem is also not good. The very attitude, the very question of there might be a problem, there might be a reason to fall back is dangerous. Once you ask this question and once you leave this option open too widely you may well take this option in the future. It is all too easy to use it when there are small problems which arise. Don't do that.

Another possibility is the third wheel or the fifth column. Once you’re married then your life’s partner is your marriage partner. That means that you don't look for advice to other people. You don't consider other options. You don't talk to other people about issues that are involved in your marriage.

Yes, there are marriage counselors, psychologists, and rabbis, and friends who are all too willing to help. Some of them are well meaning; some of them well qualified. However, these options should not be the place to start with the simplest issue or the first problems that arise. They should be handled between husband and wife. They should not be aired in public or with others. The reason that the husband and the wife came together was to be able to work things out together. When you got to know each other through dating, one of the things that you should have decided was whether you can handle your own inevitable problems together. This should not be a discovery that you make after you get married. By then it’s too late. You only go now to a counselor, a rabbi, or a friend, or a qualified friend after it’s apparently too late and you’re about to get divorced. This is different from many other situations. If you have a physical problem in your home such as a leak it is indeed better to take care of it sooner rather than later. It’s only going to get worse. You don't have to do much consulting about that.

But marriage is not a leak. Marriage is not a plumbing problem. Marriage is something in which a couple is supposed to work together to resolve their issues and not to try to have everybody else handle their own problems whenever issues arise. And if that is the case if that is the way that your marriage is being run, then please do stop it quickly and you will see a major improvement in your marriage unless it is too late.

In other words, a very discussion with outsiders with the third wheel or the fifth column is in itself a cause for many of the problems in the marriage. Whereas on the other hand, bonding is created by discussing the issues of importance together between the couple the two partners in the marriage.

Does this mean that someone who checks out the issues in this article will be assured that they will not have a divorce?

Of course not.

However, these are certain basic factors that people do not take into consideration and it is well worth it for them to look into.

It will eliminate some of the basic causes of divorce.

Of course, it is difficult in some cases to get the information that is needed in order to prevent he divorce.

Sometimes people are afraid to ask certain basic questions. They aren’t nice questions. They aren’t pleasant questions. Especially if you’re talking to someone who is basically a stranger.

There’s no real answer to this situation. After all the person is not going to be a stranger, he’s going to be part of the person’s family quite soon. These are questions that you would ask a very close family member.

Granted, the person still is not yet a family member. Granted, it’s not pleasant to ask these questions. Granted, if the person asks then the person might get insulted then the potential mate might get insulted. These are indeed situations and circumstances that have to be taken into account.

In addition, there’s no question that usually there won’t be a problem and in many cases you can take a chance and it nothing bad will happen.

Of course, if you take a chance and there’s a one in a hundred chance that you’re going to lose and you hit that one in a hundred situation, as far as you’re concerned it’s 100% of your spouse who can be problematic and this is why you may want to look out and to consider this situation.

The attitude is just plain wrong among people. The attitude is I’ll try, see if it works. If it does fine. If not then I’ll go back to my old way of life. Just as the issue with making aliyah and yeridah. That’s the wrong attitude and that’s what causes the problem. If somebody makes a decision to do something then it should be a real final decision, not a try it out decision.

A decision to try out something is not a decision. A decision to try out something is a good predictor for failure. A decision to try out something is used all too often by those who are unhappy about an existing situation and they are hoping that by changing the situation the change will make them happy. It may happen but it could just as easily not happen and in more than 50% of the cases that situation that system just does not work.