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There's always a question when a child leaves about how to deal with the fact. Should the parent chase after the child? Should the parent try to make amends? Should the parent do whatever is necessary to bring the child back?

Of course, there is no way to generalize about this issue, but there are some surprising situations.

Sometimes when a child leaves it's a good idea to confirm their leaving by making a complete and absolute break. There's an interesting rationale for this situation.

When a child leaves, if the child feels that you are chasing after him, then the child really does not have the feeling that he has left. The child knows that you're there behind him the whole time. Yes, the child is living someplace else but you always have an eye open for him. You're going to be very busy chasing after the child. But after chasing after the child the child is still not yours. The child keeps pulling away and the more that you pull the child towards you, the more the child feels a need to pull away.

By making a complete break, the child knows exactly where he stands. He knows that he is no longer part of the family. It's not a game anymore and the child has to make a decision himself about whether to return or whether to stay away.

Furthermore, the child has to have a home to return to. The child has to know that if the child makes the decision to change the mind about leaving that he will be able to return. It might difficult. There might be some conditions or whatever else, but at the end the child will be able to return to something.

In some cases, if there is no complete break then the child doesn't understand the concept of having to return because the child feels that he is already halfway returned. He has already returned partway and that there is nothing more that really needs to be done because the child hasn't really left.

A complete break means that the child understands that the child has to do something.

Thus, a partial situation in which the child doesn't know where he stands, can often be ugly and it can create additional problems. You can eliminate or prevent those additional problems by making it very very clear that there is a break, that the child does not belong in your home anymore. The child has left and the child is now on his own and that he is not welcome in the house. When that happens then the child can make any decisions that he wants to make.

Furthermore, with a partial situation the child will have more difficulty undoing his actions because he won't have a defined situation. Is he there or isn't he there? Is he part of the family or is he not part of the family? What needs to be done or what does not have to be done? With a complete break the child knows exactly where he stands and then he'll be able to return.

Furthermore, under the philosophy that a child will return more likely after there is a crisis, the child has to understand just what the crisis is and how the crisis is different from the normal situation. If the child is on his own, he will be able to feel the crisis. He is bearing the brunt of it entirely. He cannot blame anybody else for any situation when the crisis occurs. He cannot blame his family because he is entirely involved in it. He then can decide if he wants to have assistance during his time of difficulty and he can decide how to go about getting his assistance only after he has made a complete break. In many cases the people who do not make this complete break are the ones who have the most difficulty later on getting back together again.

Alienation is not necessarily a bad thing. Alienation could cause the ultimate return later on.

But it is certainly difficult during the time of the alienation itself.