This page is still under construction.

When a child leaves home the parents often have debates between two possibilities about whether to maintain contact or whether to allow the child who leaves to maintain his own distance until he sees fit. There are no one-size-fits-all answers, but there are certainly are one-size-fits-all questions.

In other words, the same questions seem to repeat themselves in every instance, but the answers are different depending on the circumstances. Let's review some of the questions that all parents have after their children leave home. The questions are about whether to maintain contact, whether to push or force themselves into the hands of their child who has rejected them, or whether to give the child his own space. There are several questions that all start "for the sake of..." Let's handle them here.

Grandchildren. Some parents feel that it is worth maintaining contact and suffering any indignity for the sake of the grandchildren, so that the grandchildren will grow up knowing that they have grandparents and who they are and what they are like. Others say that the children are not going to know about the grandparents anyhow because the parents are going to badmouth the grandparents and the grandparents will become an obligation instead of a family or a pleasure.

Future contact. Some parents feel that the only way to have any hope of contact in the future is to have contact now so that the children know that they are in the picture and that they are part of the family. Others say that the children are not going to get this message anyhow and that they are not going to maintain, forcing a contact is not the same as having contact, so it's not going to work anyhow.

Influence. Some parents want to maintain influence over the children even though the children have left in a huff. Others say that the children should be able to have their independence and the influence that the parents exert at this point is not going to be welcomed.

Guilt. Some parents feel that they may have done wrong and that caused the child to leave and therefore they want to be in the picture in order to compensate for what they have done wrong. Other parents say that being part of the picture is not going to assuage their guilt and that anyhow they don't feel guilty. It's the child's fault.

Neighbors. Some parents feel that they want to save face with the neighbors, friends, or acquaintances. They don't want them to start talking about how the children have distanced themselves from the parents, so they maintain contact in order to prevent tongues from wagging. Othes say that the problem is the child not the parents and if people are going to want to say things then they will anyhow and there's no way to prevent people from gossiping.

Pressure. Some people take the advice of others who say that whether the child left or not is irrelevant, but it's important to maintain the contact and they do it in order to make those people happy. others say that if the child wants them the child can maintain that contact, but that there is no reason for them to do so.

Shame. Some people maintain contact because they are in a public position and they feel that the child will shame them by having left so they want to give a public appearance of having a healthy family. Others say that the children's decision is not binding on the parents and the children aren't going to control the paernts, even though there may be journalists who are going to pick up on it and report a dysfunctional family. That's not what's going to control their lives.

Age. Some parents feel that they are getting older and they are not going to live that much longer and they want to know that before they pass away that they will be able to have minimal contact with the child. Others say that it is the child's duty to honor his parents and that age is not the issue or that the child should realize that the parent is growing older and that the child has to show the proper respect.

Togetherness. Some people say that they want to maintain contact so that the family remains an integral unit. They want to make sure that all of the children in the family are able to meet together comfortably. Others say that the meetings are going to be strained in any event and that the child who broke away is the one who has caused the rift. That child is the one to be blamed and the integral nature of the family has already been damaged anyhow.

Simcha. Some people feel that they have to maintain contact with their children so that they will be able to get together and maintain a family unit the next time there is a family simcha or other gathering. Others feel that what the child does at that family gathering is his business and the child can attend and go his way and the parent can go his way without having to maintain contact, and without worrying about the need to go beyond the physical placement of the parents and the child at the same venue.

As you read this list you are certainly going to say yes but to certain items. Certain items will be more difficult to accept than others and you will have a tendency to select the pro or the con in any of these issues. That's fine. Go ahead. That's the way to come to your own decision in your own circumstance.

All of these issues are valid and it is possible to consider them from both points of view, from both the pro and the con. The difference is in your own circumstances and you will have to weigh these issues.

Many people have to think for a long time to realize what the issues themselves are. This page has presented them for you and there may be additional issues that relate to your particular circumstance as well. It is certainly not an easy or a happy decision, but it will certainly make things a lot easier if you can see the potential questions without having to think about them, and you can weigh your own pros and cons accordingly, with the assistance of your spouse and possibly a confidant. You may be able to come to the best conclusion for your own situation.

Notice that these issues are different from reconciliation. They involve artificial and forced steps that are taken in order to maintain contact, but they do not really relate to a reconciliation. A reconciliation would involve different steps with different lines of reasoning. Therefore, if reconciliation is what you want rather than just contact then do read the other section and see if it applies to you, and see if you can make it apply to you. Then do consider the steps that are to be taken in order to achieve reconciliation rather than simple contact.