Why does a child feel helpless? Why does a child from a supportive family, where he has everything that he needs, make unreasonable demands?

Environment and peer pressure

Parents may provide children with their needs, but that may not be sufficient. Children are vulnerable. They can be convinced to ignore reality by being told that they don't have specific items or privileges. They then feel a strong lack. Consider the following situation:

A child from a good home wants to have driving lessons. The parents have reason to feel that the child should postpone those lessons. However, his best friend or role model is now flaunting his ability to drive. Under these circumstances, the child feels that all of his other advantages, relationships, privileges and property are meaningless and worthless. The child cares about nothing else than driving lessons. Since the lessons are denied, he feels that he has nothing at all.

An important issue in maturation is learning to stand up to peer pressure. Your child may not have reached that stage yet.

Friends and classmates can be cruel to each other. If one child find out that another cannot have driving lessons, then he can torment the "have-not" child in an unbearable way. Are the parents doing a service by forbidding the child from responding to this pressure? Are the parents' reasons as valid as the pressure? More - if the child feels such a severe lack that it will cause a rift with the parents - or worse - is the decision to postpone the lessons worth the gain?

Yes, the situation could lead to terrible consequences. At this point the child would rather die than tell the friend that he cannot take driving lessons.

The child who cannot take those driving lessons tries to deal with his frustration. If he does not succeed in his effort, then the person who prevents him from getting the driving lessons - usually the father - becomes an object of hate, despite any other advantages that have been given to the child.

Placing limits

Suicide...leaving home...hate. Aren't these immense threats sufficient reasons to give in to your child?

The parent is in a difficult situation. He faces a severe problem whether he accedes to or refuses the request. Neither the parent nor the child sees to have a way out of this problem.

The problem is exacerbated if the child consults with friends, acquaintances, or in-laws. They will all have opinions, and those opinions may not be helpful in the long run.

That third-party intervention moves the peer pressure up a generation. The poor father now has to satisfy all of these do-gooders as well. People may begin to take sides and form cliques.

This issue may be resolved by negotiating and reasoning with the child - if he is open to discussions. If his peers pressure him to demand things that cannot be provided, then there may be no peaceful solution to the problem.

The child may not realize it at the time, but leaving home will not solve his problems. He had wanted to force the issue of the driving lessons in order to control his parents. After being weakened by his peers, he had felt that the parents are his only remaining focus of control.

Leaving home may well reduce his ability to control his parents. His frustration level thus continues to grow until he is ready to stand up against his peers - and to negotiate with his parents. However, this takes a certain amount of maturity that is not likely to develop as quickly as the parents would like.