Children need your presence
more than your presents
- Jesse Jackson

Down with quality time.

Too much has been written about the joys and positive aspects of quality time. It is time to raise an argument against this curse of modern society. It may prevent contact between parents and their children.

The concept of quality time seems to look good. It gives you the feeling that you are a very busy person (which is indeed likely) but you nonetheless take out some of your busy time for your child. You now offer your child 45 minutes or an hour on specified days, as if the child is yet one more appointment in your busy schedule. That certainly does enhance your own self-esteem. You now consider yourself to be a great and devoted parent, who cares about his child.

Worse yet, some people do even less. They may devote themselves to their regular affairs and then take their child(ren) on a major outing every few months, or once a year. The child certainly does have a great time. He may stay away from home for several days, or even travel abroad with his father. During that outing, they may discuss serious issues. Both father and child feel very good, but then they return to their regular activities.

The message is clear. The child understands that the father is too busy to devote ongoing time to him. Their contact occurs on stilted, pre-scheduled occasions, for specified and limited times, after which they return to their "more important" duties. During their meeting they both agree how good it was to "get to know each other again" or "get to know each other for the first(!) time" and how they now "understand each other much better."

Baloney!

The child sees right through this artificial concept of quality time. He knows just where your priorities really lie.

In some cases, you may send your child to a fine boarding school. You tell your child that you want him to have the finest education. However, your real reason may be to give the child a place to stay, so that you can get on with your "more" important business.

The child does understand that you are a very busy person. He also understands that you face far more important things than him. You can't fool your child. You cannot hide the fact that your quality time results from a feeling of guilt.

Yes, the child will enjoy and possibly thank you for the quality time. However, deep down he knows that you feel a need to assuage your own conscience.

You would feel the same if the shoe were on the other foot. You probably would not respect somebody who gave you the equivalent of quality time. Down with quality time

A parent should place his child at the top of his list of priorities. That may mean that you will not get the top level job that you want, that you will have fewer options for personal mobility, or that you will not be able to make as much money as you would have wanted. As a result, you may be able to afford fewer physical luxuries.

However, it may be useful to think seriously about what you want to leave behind after your productive life is completed. Do you really need that large house and an expensive car in the best neighborhood? Isn't it more important to leave part of yourself to your child?

Simply put, if you devote your entire self to your job, then that is what you will leave behind. Not much. If you devote yourself to your child, then you will offer something to your own next generation. Which issue is more important to you – the job or the child?

To any thinking person, the answer is quite obvious.