Kids love to talk. They love to talk about their own experiences. They love when adults, especially Dad, listen to them. They love to be the center of attention. They love to be important. Too often children have a put-down feeling: “You’re only a kid” or “children should be seen and not heard”. Well, they want to be heard. They want people to care about them. And nobody is in a better situation to listen to them, to hear their needs, desires, frustrations, crises, successes than Dad. An excellent way of making the quality time succeed is by using that opportunity to listen to what the children have to say, and then to build that quality time around the child.

That time is spent best on an individual basis. True, you may give quality time to more than one child at a time. Be sure that all of the children have enough individual quality time. They need it; they want it; they deserve it.

At a certain age, some children become more reticent or less forthcoming with information. It might be more difficult to encourage them to talk. During this time, you may want to do most of the talking yourself and let the child feel less pressured. You may want to create an atmosphere in which the child feels less threatened and in which he will be more willing to talk. This is a better stage, but it can only work in certain circumstances with certain Dads, and with certain children.

Sometimes the reticence has to do with the child’s desire to seek independence. She might not want you to know everything. She wants to do things herself, to experiment, to try, without having you tell her what to do. She might want to prevent you from imposing your views on her.

It is very hard to tell the reason why a child does not want to speak. However, a parent who is seriously involved with a child can often tell why a child is sometimes less open than at other times.

What can you talk about? Select any subject of importance to the child, be it sports, friends, school, a cultural or social activity, or a controversial issue. If the child feels open and comfortable and relaxed then she will often take the lead and become more open.

You may opt to plan something. That planning might even be the next session of quality time. You may decide to do something with the child instead of planning. That will certainly be of interest to her. Don’t be afraid to disagree. However, disagree so that the child feels, “Aha, my idea was respected, but my Dad is also entitled to an idea. I can value, trust and respect my Dad’s idea, just as much as my Dad values, trusts, and respects mine.”

In this good situation, which does take time to develop, a child learns how to respect others, and learns to expect others to respect her. These meetings add to the closeness with your child. It is extremely important to be accepting of your child’s feelings and ideas and to listen to the child, so that she will know that it is worth it for her to speak.

One thing that can get in the way of quality time is when one or both of you are forgetful. This can result in having a nice chat and making plans that don’t come to fruition. If this happens, then write down the decisions. If you have made a date to get together for bowling, write it down right then on your calendar, appointment book or planner, so there cannot be any question or mistake. After you have written it down, show your child that your meeting is just as important as any other meeting. Show your child where it is on the planner or the schedule, and show your child that the meeting is important. And do make it important. Make every effort not to schedule something else during that time. The child has a feeling of importance and knows that you consider him to be important and that he will not be moved from your calendar unless there is a very very good and rare reason.

Apologize to your child if you must change the appointment. Children are very understanding. They feel very important and grown up when you apologize to them, just as you expect them to apologize to you. This relationship with the child will help him realize that it is worth communicating openly.

Don’t be afraid to disagree. The child wants to hear your point of view and to have the privilege of argueing with your point of view. So be wise and allow him to argue about your decision - and let the child win sometimes. Don’t feel that you always have to win. You will lose no credibility, standing, or respect if the child wins, but the child will feel much more self-confident, self assured and feel like a big person if he can win discussions based upon their merit.

Be tactful when you disagree with your child. Stick to specific issues rather than personal events. You do hold the cards. You also have the ability and the power to punish. If you do this then the child will feel threatened and he will not speak up. This is the opposite of the feeling that you want to engender. Even if you are generally demanding of your child, during quality time the child should feel relaxed and know that this is the time when you are willing to listen to him with an open mind.