You may feel that the child has proven your inadequacy as a parent. The child did indeed rebel, despite all of your efforts, and this may seem to present strong evidence that you are at fault.

If your introspection as described in the first article of this series shows that you did nothing wrong, then please reject that concept.

In that case, the child is clearly wrong. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You may feel sad, crushed, or hurt by your child’s activity. However, if it is not your fault, then you should not feel guilty.

Indeed, this may well be your child's goal. He may want you to feel guilty in order to manipulate you - and to achieve other goals.

Your Own Self-Esteem

Your own self-esteem is of minimal concern. Perhaps you already had a hint of this when you went to kindergarten with your child. You realized that you no longer have an identity. You are no longer Mr. Cohen, but now you are "Chaim's father." This situation gets worse as time goes on. By the time a child rebels, the parent probably knows his place very well.

Don't be concerned about your own feelings, situation, or status when your child rebels. Consider only your child's self-esteem. Don't bother fighting with him about whose self-esteem is more important. Let the child win and to let your self-esteem rest. When the child is older you may be able to reminisce about how how you swallowed your pride in order to help your child along. More likely, the episode will be long forgotten. Even if it is remembered, you may not want to raise the sensitive issue of your child's rebellion.

This may be difficult for some parents. They may see the child as an extension of themselves and their loss of self-esteem may hurt them. Others who have bragged about their children for several years may have difficulty accepting the situation after the child had been the source for such pride or naches. Still other parents might feel personally insulted or hurt by the fact that the child is rebelling: “You can't let me down after all that I did for you.”

A parent who is prepared for his child's rebellion may be able to withhold these feelings. He may understand that the child is going through natural and normal stages of development.