It's amazing that some children develop a sense of honesty despite the fact that they are surrounded by constant dishonesty:

• Be good in fifth grade in order to get into a good high school.
• Be good in English to get an English teacher's job.
• Be good in school to get a good shidduch.
• Go to a good school to get a good shidduch.
• It won't hurt.
• The bus is coming now.
• The tooth fairy will bring you a dollar.

In all too many cases children either see through this transparent dishonesty, or else they realize that their lives need not be determined by adult statements. In other words, they do not have to believe that an adult statement about A leading to B will necessarily take place.

Yes, these lies do persuade a child to do the things that the parent wants.

However, at a certain point the child realizes that he was told lies and that adults are not to be trusted.

At a certain point, they discover that there really is no tooth fairy. They know that their parents left the money for them. However, they are part of the conspiracy now - after all, they want another dollar when the next tooth falls out. Nonetheless, they cannot help but think the inevitable questions: "I wonder what other lies they told me."

So why do people tell lies to their children or to school children?

In many cases it's just to make life easier for the person who tells the lies.

Thus, if a person tells a lie then the person will get the desired behavior out of the child. It's serves the immediate purpose well.

On the other hand, it is educationally unsound, and it creates other problems.

A person should not solve one problem by creating another one.

This rule should not be violated even if you need to handle something now - in the fastest and easiest way.

Yes, you certainly will be able to handle the problem. You will feel that you have accomplished your goal. However, you will create a different problem. In the long run you will have taken many steps backwards in educating your child.

And that education should be your primary goal. It should be a greater goal than solving the initial need which will prove to be false.

Does this mean that there is never a time or a place to lie? (even a little white lie?) Isn't this a positive thing to do in order to save face or in order to help somebody to get married by leaving a skeleton LINK in the closet or by just not saying something that would cause somebody to be in a better position? Is it better not to be straight and not to actively tell a lie?

Aren't all of these good reasons to be dishonest?

In most of these cases it is proper go ahead and it is right to discuss the issue with your own rabbi and to determine your own practice. Whether it is proper to do it or not is something that is an individual issue.

However, the bottom line answer will be even if you can be dishonest that it is a wrong thing but that sometimes it is necessary to do things which in other cases would not be acceptable. In other words sometimes you should indeed do the wrong thing.

We learn not to kill - but wars are a time for killing. We also kill certain criminals.

Solomon has a greater list of things which can be done in their time. There's a right time for those things also.

Thus, it would be wrong to say that any bad thing, including telling a lie, never has its own time. Yes, there is a time for any bad thing to be done including telling lies under various circumstances.

The important thing is to understand that you are then doing a bad thing which you have no choice in doing and it is certainly not something a decision which you can make by yourself individually.

A bad thing such as telling a lie is something which needs to be discussed. You can as we said consult with your rabbi and you should make sure that the rabbi has all the facts and all of the reasons for telling the lie and then you can possibly decide that despite everything you want to tell a lie in order to deal with a difficult situation.

The bottom line should be considered very carefully so that you determine the not just the best thing to do at the time but the best long term effect.

This issue of the long term effect should be raised with the rabbi and should be considered and not be brushed off lightly. It is really the most important part of the decision and in all too many cases it is ignored or forgotten when decisions are made.

This issue is also connected with other important issues such as trust and reliability which are the strongest and the important elements in a good marriage. Indeed if all other issues in a marriage collapsed but the couple trust each other and knows they can rely no each other, the marriage can usually survive because there is nothing more important and obviously the reverse is also true.