Attribution theory works. The trick is to that if your child does well then people just look at it as being natural and obvious, but if one of them turns out with a problem, they all have reasons and excuses and ideas about what you should have done or could have done and it's always your fault. They also continue to have ideas about what you should do to fix up the problem.

The real problem with everybody having an opinion is not their opinion itself, although it can certainly be very very annoying. The issue is that people take these opinions seriously. You are very sensitive if the child has a problem, and they are getting you when you are vulnerable. That is a more serious problem because you might take them seriously. People often talk and they just say things, what they say is not necessarily of very great validity. People's statements are very likely to contradict with each other. They talk. They have ideas. Either because they have to get things out of their system or because they want to feel better for themselves, to boost their own self image so that they won't think about their own problems, or so that they won't think that their own issues with their own children are as terrible. After all, you have issues. And now since you have issues, they can tell you what you really should do in order to deal with your issues. They're the big experts.

As a matter of fact, the more that people have problems of their own with their children, the more readily they like to comment on the issues of other people and to give other people advice. They become big experts and this makes them feel good.

After all, they did have a problem with their family, they did have ideas, and now that they hear that somebody else has a problem they could make it look as if they were good parents all along.

The people who are too ready to give advice, therefore, are suspect and their advice is suspect.

However, although it is suspect you may come across some people who are nudniks. They have an opinion, they have strong opinions and they might keep coming back to you to confirm that you have followed their advice and once you have they'll possibly even suggest that you go on to the next stage of their advice and on and on. They'll take over your parenting for you because it makes them feel good and makes them feel that they are a substitute parent and doing the job of a parent and doing it much better than they did on their own child.

Unless you like the idea of somebody taking over your parenting and controlling a significant aspect of your life, you may want to do some serious thinking about getting involved with others about your problem. Those people, readers who like to talk a lot might consider not talking about these issues because the more you talk the more you might get involved with do gooders who are not necessarily really do gooders.

However, this does might leave you with a vacuum. After all, you do have a problem with your child and you do need to vent. How are you going to vent and let people just listen quietly without responding?

More importantly, how are you going to get some needed advice which is valid rather than getting simple talk from people which can be difficult, could be problematic.

This is where you have to select the people who listen and select them carefully. You have to make serious decisions about whether you want to talk to certain people. Unless you know that a person can remain with your issue in confidence and unless that person has a proven track record of being able to give sound advice, it's better not to talk to a person.

But what if you don't have somebody to speak to, somebody who meets these requirements? Are you stuck? Are you in a position in which you can't talk to anybody at all?

Well, lacking or barring the option of a professional consultant that may indeed be the case. Unless you have somebody you can trust, you might actually be better off keeping it in your tummy and not sharing it with others.

On the other hand, keeping things in your tummy does create other problems. People do have a need to vent. If you don't tell somebody about your problems or tell enough people about it, then speak about it enough, or vent enough, then you may feel that you are ready to explode. In other words, the solution may be extremely difficult, the solution of keeping it in yourself.

Furthermore, you do feel that you have a problem and you are looking for solutions and you always hope that somebody whom you speak to may be able to give you good advice. You do feel, however, that the more people that you speak to, the more advice that you receive, and it is contradictory. You seem to be in a quandary. What can you do in these situations?

There are some options other than professional advice. One option is that you can join a forum that you trust and let a lot of people discuss it out among themselves. Yes, there will be contradictory advice but the people will also respond to this contradictory advice back and forth. The responses, the discussion itself may be even more worthwhile and valuable to you than the actual conclusions that they reach. In this way you will see both sides of the story and you will see how people feel about things and discuss things. You will see the different opinions and you will be able to make an informed decision about what applies best to your own situation. That is probably the best way that you could do it and of course the recommended forum is Jewish Parenting.