Thanks.
Sincerely,
Mistica Tamez
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Dear Mistica,
Lovely name! And thank you for the question. The Biblical reasons against pre-marital sex are numerous, but let me focus on just a couple: God told our first parents, "For this reason a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife and the two become one flesh." (Gen 2:24) Jesus repeats this teaching several times. The joining together is for the purpose of children. The very first commandment God gave us was, "Be fruitful & multiply" or as one translation say, "Have lots of children." (Gen 1:28)
St. Paul was quite clear about this when he warned the Corinthians against going to prostitutes, "How can you join yourself to a prostitute? Don't you know that a man who has relations with a prostitute becomes one flesh with her." (I Cor 6:15) Even that transitory relationship joins the two in a bond which must be endured for all eternity. Of course it is a terrible lie. He is doing it for pleasure. She for money. And neither for a lasting union or children. Then St. Paul says, "Don't you know your bodies were purchased at a price? Your body is not your own, but belongs to Christ." No Christian can say, "my body." Our bodies belong to Jesus.
Premarital sex, for sure, has more commitment that prostitution. But it can be an even bigger deception. The two can think they are really giving themselves to each other, but inevitably they are holding something back. The very setup implies less than complete commitment and typically they are keeping from each other the gift of fertility. He has a fear he might make her a mom and even worse, himself a dad! Not ready for that yet.
Statistically most couples who "shack up" (to use Dr. Laura's inelegant phrase) do not get married. Even though they have signed no papers, the break-up is still painful. Of those who do get married the success rate is much lower than those who wait till they marry. They have been lying to each other. The sexual act signifies total commitment, but their other body language is all about holding back.
This is getting a little long, but let me give one more biblical argument. According to the Bible, what is the deepest relationship of affection between two human beings? Surprisingly it is not husband-wife even tho the two become one flesh. The deepest affection is between brother and sister. A brother is pledged to defend his sister, her honor, with his own blood if necessary. When you read the Song of Songs you notice how Solomon keeps calling his beloved my sister. It is a title of affection and means she is much more than an object of desire to him. I encourage you and your boyfriend to savor the bond of brother-sister for as long as you can. In fact, right up to your wedding day.
Couples who refrain from sexual contact before marriage have a much greater chance of a long-lasting and happy marriage. The reason is pretty clear--they did not short change the precious period of courtship where they explore fully what it means to be brother and sister. Courtship is essential to a happy marriage. There will be many times when you will have to express affection without having sexual relations. Some examples are toward the end of pregnancy and after childbirth--the most beautiful times in marriage--also during sickness or when apart. A letter, a flower or just holding hands can deepen affection more than sexual intercourse itself. And I hope you will have a time of "courtship" each month by choosing to practice Natural Family Planning. You and your boyfriend will have a strong marriage if you make the decision to never use contraception. Couples who use NFP have virtually a zero divorce rate. I tried to explain why in an article on Birth Control and Natural Family Planning.
If you were my parishioner, I would add one final argument from the Bible, "Honor your father and mother." As your spiritual father, I would plead with you, even tell you to please wait. Because I love you. I hope your own father and mother also say that to you. When temptation comes that can be the strongest motive for resisting.
God bless,
Fr. Phil Bloom
P.S. When sexual desires are aroused, sometimes even the flimsiest arguments can push all this reasoning to one side. Let me warn you about one of the very weakest, "we need to find out if we are compatible." Generations of human experience assures that (to be blunt) it will fit. But more to the point is that you are not a piece of merchandize that needs to be tested. Nor is he of course. Part of the self giving proper to marriage is the freedom and the humility to learn in that area. Surprisingly, someone who has written very beautiful on the subject is Pope John Paul II, Love and Responsibility.
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Other Questions
CatholicHome Study Resources
Boston Globe's Misleading Article on Catholic Church
Surviving as a Catholic Family (Archbishop Charles Chaput reflects on the difference between Birth Control and Natural Family Planning)
