MISS BEA'S PREVENTION
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into
her Victorian parlor and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. While waiting,
he admired her antique furniture and noticed that on top of her old pump organ sat a
beautiful cut-glass bowl filled with water. Floating in the water was, of all things....a
condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity. Surely Miss Bea had flipped!!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he
could resist no longer. "Miss Bea", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this, "pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful!! I was walking downtown one
day and found this little package on the sidewalk. It said to put it on your
organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know,I think it is
working, I haven't had a cold all winter!!"
RIDE EM' COWGIRL
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding,
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts
the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It
gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.She
tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally,
giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately, her foot has come entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and
over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts
the horse off.
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in
a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the
car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a
while.
When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why
are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of
wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the
field. "It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The blonde in the
field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde in the
field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your tail!"
BACKSEAT DRIVER
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The
following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty
look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives
his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this
way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com
MAGIC FROG
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball
into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that
there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get
10 times
more or better!" The woman said ,"That would be okay", and for her first
wish she wanted
to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the
most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will flock to him...". The
woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman
and he will only have eyes for me..."
So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times
richer than you..." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is
his, and what is his is mine...."
So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world.! The frog then inquired about her third
wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack...
THE MATING BULL
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had
the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated
50 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a
year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5
times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last
year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365
times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this
one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the
same cow."
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com
SEEING EYE DOG
(Someone's True Story)
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time
we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained
that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we
would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I
walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly
underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell
he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by
name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off
and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would
like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even
wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
they also were trying to change airlines!
Out of the Mouths of Babes
"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching."
-Andrew, Age 9
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." -Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
-Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
-Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your
parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom." -Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert." -Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'
don't answer him." -Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster." -Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station." -Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
-Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
-Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
-Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
-Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing." -Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and
Grandma's house." -Joanne, age 11
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
-Matthew, age 12
Don't Tug on Superman's Cape
Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if
you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into
the window." The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval
while wiping down the bar. The second man says: "What are you, a nut? There is no way
in hell that could happen." The first man says: "No, it's true, let me prove it
to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.The
second man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been
a one-time fluke." The first man says: "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again."
And again, he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to
try it.
The second man says: "Well, what the hell, it works, I'll try it." He jumps over
the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th floor, 10th floor, 9th floor ... and hits
the sidewalk with a splat. Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and
says: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
NEW PROVERBS
1. If youre too open minded, your brains will fall
out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesnt make you a holy person any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
11. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
12. I have found at my age that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
14. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
15. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
16. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
17. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
18. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
19. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream
with a tissue.
"What's the matter" asked Little Johnny, "giving up?"
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