PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.
THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his
own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him
clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts
drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he
walks up behind the big idiot and --BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking
him out
cold.
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a
crowbar from Sears."
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly
gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit
entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave
a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record,
and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really
quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago
I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded
back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you
suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to
Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell
him to go to Hell."
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com
HISTORY LESSON
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
made him what?
A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com
THE MORNING SONG ... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head.
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com
DOG & CAT
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said,
"Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do
not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much
you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever; who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you
as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for
Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named
all the animals in the Kingdom; cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG." And Dog lived with Adam; was a companion to him & loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his
tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens
like a peacock; he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he
is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create
for him a companion who will be with him forever; who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy
of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat
would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he
was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat
didn't give a shit one way or the other.
--Unknown--
Back at ya!
A Canadian is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter &
jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the
American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the U.S. we only eat what's
inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it ,transform them into croissants
and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian
listens in silence.
The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth
and chuckling).
"We don't. In the U.S. we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in the U.S.?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to the U.S."
Tis the Season
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and
humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 1950's, the
bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature
figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to
hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed
for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice
- she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice
from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the
fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength
of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small
rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever
yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that
a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought
my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped
in
horror - my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my
left armpit. It took awhile to find the other. At last I located it flattened
beside my seventh
rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant
to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I re-aligned my speed
bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment. The bathing costume fit
all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The
rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
play-dough
wearing undersize cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent
salesgirl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, THERE you are!" she said,
admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she
had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a
serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill
and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink one
with such a high-cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.
Finally I found a costume that fit...a two-piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a
halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so
I bough it. When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become
transparent in water", but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to
breaststroke in the sand.
Unknown
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds
of them!"
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71
years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another
chance."Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both
up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I
won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agree
and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but
not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of
to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell
out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
David/Goliath Revisited
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast ofNewfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation was
released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degree to the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degree to the South to avoid
collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.....your call.
A Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!
This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and
drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Moral of the story:: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated; if GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that goes 1,000 miles per
gallon.
In response to Bill's comment, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch
himself): if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they reprint the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to
shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"
or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as
fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "General car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "ARE YOU SURE?" before going
off.
10.Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let
you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of
the radio antenna.
11.GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps
(now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting
to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
12.Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13.You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON
HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - Off my planet
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiney-tailed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood
for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job
opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you weren't asleep
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil
one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go
away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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