Darrell's Useless Facts
Einstein couldn’t read until the age of nine.
Artichokes are flowers.
On average, an adult laughs about 15 times a day; a child laughs 400 times.
Abraham Lincoln hated being called "Abe".
On average, Americans buy 1.5 toothbrushes a year.
Alaska has the highest percentage of Baby Boomers; Utah the lowest.
Only pharoahs were allowed to eat mushrooms in ancient Egypt.
Vitamin C is important because it helps us absorb iron.
There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.
Tomato ketchup was once sold in the U.S. as a medicine.
The two lines that connect the bottom of your nose to your lip are called the philtrum.
"J", the youngest letter in the English alphabet, was not added until the 1600s.
The Hewlett Packard computer company’s first product was an automatic urinal flusher.
In Nepal, Mt. Everest is known as "Gauriosankar".
The ancient Romans died their hair with bird droppings.
Why is a newborn baby’s skin wrinkled? It’s too big for its body.
Elephants breathe 12 times a minute.
16th century French doctors prescribed chocolate as a treatment for venereal disease.
Ducks can get the flu.
The first tennis balls were stuffed with human hair.
Most married men sleep on the right side of the bed. Divorced men often switch to the left.
The most common time to sight a UFO is 11pm.
According to research, you’ll blow your nose about 250 times this year.
What area of your body has the most bacteria? Between your toes.
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On the day that "The Wizard of Oz's" Judy Garland died, a tornado touched down in Kansas.
The last United States train robbery took place in 1933.
In the Middle Ages, you were supposed to throw eggs at the bride and groom.
Snakes can get malaria.
It's impossible to snore in the weightlessness of space.
It takes around 200,000 frowns to create a permanent brow line.
Siberia means "sleeping land."
Fish cough.
Mosquitos have 47 teeth.
At Old English weddings, guests through shoes at the groom.
Clams can live as long as 150 years.
Can you flare your nostrils? Only 30% of humans can.
If an octopus is hungry enough, it will eat its own arms.
Abe Lincoln's favorite sport was wrestling.
Charles Darwin's cousin invented the IQ test.
Kangaroos are lactose-intolerant.
It takes about 30 minutes for an aspirin to find a headache.
Niagara Falls was created by a glacier.
You use 15 different muscles in your face to laugh.
The fastest-moving land snail is the common qarden snail whose top speed is 55 yards per hour or 0.0313 mph.
A 1,200 pound horse eats about 15 lbs. of hay and nine pounds of grain everyday (seven times its own weight each year).
The skin on your eyelid is one one-thousandth of an inch deep (the thinnest); the skin on your back is one-fifth of an inch (the thickest). The average wink, or blink, lasts one-tenth of a second.
The knee-high measurement of an average-sized grasshopper is about 1/2 inch.
The official record for kite flying is 12,471 feet set by Abbott Rotch, director of the U.S. Weather Bureau station in Milton Massachusetts. He set that record on Feb. 28, 1898.
Los Angeles Police Department ballistics experts say that the fastest bullet is fired from a .223 caliber rifle and travels at 3,500 feet per second, more than 3 times the speed of sound.
Only about half of all spiders spin webs.
The Yo-yo is believed to be the second-olders toy in the world after dolls. The Greeks played with yo-yos as far back as 500 B.C.
In the Leaning Tower of Pisa, 6 of the tower’s eight floors are without safety rails. More than 250 people have fallen to their deaths since 1174.
The average wink or blink of an eye lasts one-tenth of a second.
An ecstatically weeping woman paid $8,625 at an auction for a pair of horseshoes worn by Mr. Ed.
Ratio of unductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame who are hearing impaired: 3 in 5.
5% of Americans let their dishes pile up for a couple of days before washing them.
3000 cows are needed to supply the leather for a year’s supply of NFL footballs.
40 bottles of sunscreen are used monthly by cast and crew of Baywatch.
The average American uses 12 gallons of water while showering.
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LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES:
Mel Blanc, voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
Eric II, King of Denmark, died in 1104. He was know as Eric the memorable, but no one can remember why.
In 1978 Saudi Arabia had to import 5 tons of sand from Holland (for use in swimming pool filters.)
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In a survey of 5,000 U.S. nurses, 40 percent said they would not recommend the medical facility where they worked to a relative.
60% of the swimsuits sold in the U.S. never get wet.
Assuming Rudolph is in front, the number of possible way to arrange Santa's other eight reindeer is 40,320.
According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the number of injuries caused by plug-in air fresheners is 1,823.
MORE USELESS STUFF How can you spot a redneck at Sea World? He’s the guy carrying a fishing pole.
"Trouble" is when you’re standing in line behind Mother Teresa on Judgment Day and God says to her, "You know, you should have done more."
A sign seen in a veterinarian’s waiting room: BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES. SIT. STAY!
At the height of happy hour, a man stood up and shouted, "All lawyers are dumbells!".
"Hey! I resent that!" a guy at the end of the bar hollered back.
"Why?" the first man asked. "Are you a lawyer?"
"No! I’m an dumbell."
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OXYMORONS of the MONTH
- Army Intelligence
- Postal Service
- Civil servants
- Advanced BASIC
- Airline food
- Microsoft Works
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ACTUAL COURT TRANSCRIPT No. 1
Q: "Where do you live?"
A: "LaPosta Trailer Court."
Q: "How do you spell that trailer court?"
A: "T-r-a-i-l-e-r C-o-u-r-t."
ACTUAL COURT TRANSCIPT No. 2
Q: "How many trucks do you own?"
A: "Seventeen."
Q: "Seventy?"
A: "Seventeen."
Q: "Seventeen?"
A: "No, about twelve."
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WEIRD BUT TRUE BOOK TITLES
- Teach Yourself Alcoholism, by Meier Glatt (1975)
- The Gentle Art of Cooking Wives, Anon. (1900)
- A Toddler’s Guide to the Rubber Industry, by D. Lowe (1947)
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BUMPER STICKERS OF THE MONTH:
- I Love Animals - They Taste Great!
- Earth First - (We’ll Strip-Mine the other Planets Later!)
- He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest
- All Generalizations Are False, Including This One
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NEW MATH FOR THE CENTURY
(Things you will need to know to help the kids with their homework)
- 1000 microphones = 1 megaphone
- 10 cards = 1 decacards
- 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilamockingbirds
- 453.6 gram crackers = 1 pound cake
- 100 rations = 1 C ration
- 1,000,000 piccolos = 1 gigolo
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
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A sign spotted near Canyon Lake Dam in Canyon City Texas says: “Slow Down, See Our Dam; Speed Up, See our Dam Judge.”
‘Just heard that you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the internet. Doesn’t take up very much memory either..... Just two bytes.
Little girl to her friend, “ I’m never having kids! I hear they take nine months to download!”
BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY:
“Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.”
After paying for her groceries the check-out-clerk commented, "Oh, you must have children." Puzzled, since the woman was alone, she said, “Yes. I have three. But how did you know?” The clerk replied with a grin, “You made your check out to Lion King instead of Food Lion.”
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ACTUAL QUOTES FROM SPORTS ANNOUNCERS:
“We are experiencing audio technicalities.” - Ralph Kiner, NY Mets announcer
“He fakes a bluff.” - Ron Fairly, SF Giants announcer
“Today is Father’s Day, so everyone out there: Happy Birthday!” - Ralph Kiner, Mets announcer
“If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say.” - Chico Resch, NY Islanders goalie
“We only have one person to blame, and that’s each other.” - Barry Beck, NY Ranger, explaining how a brawl started
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LOONEY LAWS:
It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut, to educate your dog.
Goats can’t legally wear trousers in Massachusetts.
In Lawrence, Kansas, it’s against the law to carry bees around in your hat on city streets.
It’s illegal to ride an ugly horse down the street in Wilbur, Washington.
Oregon prohibits citizens from wiping their dishes dry. You must let them drip dry.
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FLUBBED HEADLINES:
Circumcisions Cut Back
Bilke-A-Thon Nets $1,000 For Ill Boy
School Taxpayers Revolting
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BUMPER STICKER OF THE MONTH:
So many stupid people, so few comets.
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RECORDED MESSAGE OF THE MONTH:
"Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press two.
If you have multiple personalities, please press three, four, five and six.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line until we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."
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What did Jesse Jackson say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
"No, stupid, and eye for and eye!"
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Subject: things that make you go...hmmmm.
Date: Friday, April 23, 1999 12:56 AM
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar an England
in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but
actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth,
which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor
of his brother.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left
hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually
turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
they start with.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able
to remember the word you want.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.******
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
olive from each salad served in first-class.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a
population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.
The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million
other people in the world.
I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters
long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
No president of the United States was an only child.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Some More Good Stuff
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
* All polar bears are left-handed.
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* If Barbie were life-size, he r measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will get a kick out of it!!
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
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GAS PRICES VS.....
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ....... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 .......... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ................ $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon
this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. But then again EVIAN spelled backwards is naïve.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
"GOD DOESN'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU DERSERVE. HE GIVES
YOU WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE: THE BEST OF EVERYTHING, BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.
ALL YA GOTTA DO IS ASK."
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Learning English
Must be Friday...
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your
leisure, English lovers. It slips into some Steven Wright-isms at the end,
but I trust you will find it enjoyable, nonetheless. Besides, it could help
one to appreciate what others must overcome as they attempt to learn our
native tongue.
Some reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick? "
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EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND... In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fruits: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how???....)
On some Swans frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Trams dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(..and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
On NightOwl Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts" (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Subject: IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR dial-up email work without a telephone line?"
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
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