It has been almost three years since my mom died. I can't believe
that I survived it. I miss her everyday. I catch myself thinking
"I have to call mom" and then my heart sinks when I remember that I can't.
So much has happened that I want to share with her. I talk to her..she
just doesn't answer me. How I miss her unwanted advise. :)
How I wish I could say..."alright mom!! " when I dont' want to hear her
opinion.
Through my tears and my heartache I've come to believe that we will be
together again. She has come to visit me on three occasions.
**
Seven months after she died, on the eve of my birthday, she hugged me and
kissed me. It was the strangest thing. It was almost like I
was sleeping, although I wasn't. It kind of felt like I went into
another dimension so that she could hug me and kiss me. Naturally,
I became hysterical. I was still in such a deep depression.
I got out of my bed and went into the living room to compose myself.
When I went back to bed I could smell her. Not her purfume, her everyday
smell. That's when I knew for sure I hadn't imagined it. I
was comforted.
** Last
year, the day before Thanksgiving, I was in my shower. I always did
Thanksgiving Dinner at my house for my family. When I stepped out
of the shower I could smell her. Again...her everyday smell.
Not purfume. I just stood there inhaling her and comforting myself.
Of course, when I told my husband.. he thought I was nuts. I went
into my bedroom to get dressed and ....she was still with me. I could
still smell her. I set a place for her at our table that year.
I knew she wished she were there with us.
** This
year, two days before Thanksgiving, she came to my office. I felt
her first, then I smelled her again. I set a place for her again
at the Thanksgiving table. I'm guessing she insists on being here
for the holiday.
Even as a little girl I used to comment to my mother about how she smelled.
I guess that is why she comes to me in that way. My sister never
smells her. She dreams of her alot. I never dream of her.
I have to admit though.....this is the absolute worse thing that has ever
happened to me. I couldn't control it. I couldn't change it.
I have to live with it. Surprisingly... I have. I have finally
regained control of myself. For the 10 mos. that mom was sick and
the first two years after she was gone I just existed. I went through
the motions but, there was no feeling in what I was doing. I just
was......
Then, one day I looked in the mirror and thought..."who the heck is that???"
I had let myself gain weight, didn't care about my hair or makeup, and
just looked like crap in general. Only my closest friend ever said
to me..."you aren't your old self anymore". She is right. I
will never be my old self again. A huge part of me died on June 11,
1999. My pillar...
Certain things in life are not important anymore...certain things I won't
put up with and I don't have to put up with them, and certain things are
no big deal as they used to be. It's not always a good thing but,
in the grand scheme of life why be bothered or put up with things that
make us unhappy when....Life is very very short. Here today, gone
tomorrow. Literally!!!
My mother was only 56 years old. Her kids were all grown, had good
jobs, beautiful homes and beautiful children of their own. Mom's
life was finally her own. She didn't have to worry about us anymore.
She was just beginning to live HER LIFE and god threw her a curve ball.
I was totally pissed off at him. Totally!!! Very Angry.
It just wasn't fair. But, you know..they say everything happens for a reason.
I'm still trying to figure out the reasoning in this but, I guess one day
it will come. In the meantime...I'm living again. I am enjoying
life. I'm enjoying my kids and I live for today because I can't be
certain that tomorrow will come.
I've survived......................
Her Brave Fight With Cancer
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