In my
family violence seemed to be a way of life. I
remember growing up in a world always filled with
conflict, anger, and abuse. These were sometimes
caused by many different things, but mostly it was
due to the abuse of drugs and alcohol. Whatever the
causes are, it is difficult for a child to
understand. Because my world growing up was not
normal, I was forced at an early age to grow up
myself. I feel now as though I lost the biggest part
of my childhood.
Most of
the abuse in my family was from my mother, but I
suppose that somewhere in her childhood she to was
subjected to the same type of abuse. This is where the cycle of abuse began. Although I did not live with her as a child, I did live with her when I was an infant. This was the first incidence of abuse and neglect that I am aware of. I was the age of three months old when my mother left me alone locked inside an apartment. The concern of the landlord after hearing a baby crying for three days through the locked door, and not having seen my mother around in a couple of days prompted the landlord to call my grandparents to find out about me. This is when I came to live with my grandparents. When I was a little older I did seem to be the object of some of my mother's
anger. Being raised by my mother's parents seemed to
put me in the middle of a constant tug of war between
my grandparents and my mother. I would think that the
same thing could also happen to a child separated
from one parent through divorce. The possible
difference being that my mother's anger was directed
more toward me than my grandparents.
I can
tell you though, having lived in this violent trap
for the better part of twenty three years, ( until my
mother's death ) that this is not the best life for a
child to grow up in. Whether the abuse takes the form
of verbal, or if it is of a more physical nature, the results
can still be the same. I survived both. Usually the
abuse started out verbally and then escalated to
physical abuse. The abuse on me continued even after
I was married and had a child. That was the last time
that I allowed some to physically strike me. I knew
then, as an adult that I had to take a stand even if
it meant having someone arrested. Which in the end is
exactly what it meant.
It
meant four years without seeing my three sisters. It
also meant having my youngest sister arrested and
placed in a juvenile facility for several years.
Because of this my younger sister and I have never
been close, unfortunately we probably never will be.
Although my mother was the main abuser, she managed
to work her way around the court system and received no punishment. The cycle still continues
on.
My
sisters as well as my brother are all violent in
nature. Their relationships have been violent and
abusive, both giving and receiving. They also
have no parenting skills to speak of. They suffered
more abuse than me because they lived with my mother. They can talk about my mothers
abusive nature, yet they don't see themselves in the
same harsh light.
I too
have scars that I live with, a quick temper probably
being the most noticeable. I have managed to resolve
most of my issues involving abuse, but sometimes I
still feel like that little girl. Having been called
terrible names, having my hair pulled out by the roots, my glasses
broken on many occasions, and my eyes blackened, made me realize that my family was not normal. Because of this type of childhood, or despite it, I
am a much stronger person.
I often
wonder what my life would be like now if I had grown
up normally. If my confidence in my own abilities had
not been challenged at such a young age and to such a degree, what might I
have achieved. I may never know the answers to these
and many more questions, but I am proud of myself for
what I have achieved! Most importantly I am proud
because the cycle of violence has stopped, at least
in my small family.
You may
be wondering why I would write about such personal
and intimate parts of my life, well the answer is
simply this, I know that my family is not the only
family that suffers from this type of abuse. If in
some small way, I can help to get the message out
that this occurs, perhaps it will encourage other children to remain true to themselves and know what is right.
Realizing that this is not the only way to live your
life, the cycle can be broken. It takes strength and
courage, but it can be done. We must make a change
for the better!
If you
see or suspect child abuse or domestic violence,
report it. Sometimes the abused are unable to report
it, and sometimes they are unable to recognize it if
it is all they know! Your silence doesn't do anyone
any good!
Please visit my page called "The Fall" click on the link for more information on my mother's child abuse.
Please visit this page to read a very lovely poem by Kim Clayton entitled "A Cry Was Heard"
You are the 
person to visit this page. Page last updated: Monday, 07, 03:23, 2002
