In September of 1983 a new life began. At the time we had no
idea just how special this little spirit would be to us. What lay ahead was
not what most people dream about when they plan a family.
In the latter part of October, I started having the usual
symptoms of a pregnant woman. Swollen and tender breasts, no monthly cycles
and all day nausea. We decided it was time to go see an obstetrician to have
our suspicions confirmed. What the doctor said I will never forget.
"Either you are pregnant or I am changing professions!" And he
said that without even doing an exam. After the blood test confirmed it, we
were finally told for certain that we would be expecting to add to our
family by the end of June of 1984.
Everything went along fine until around March, which was my
6th month. I started having contractions. The doctor wasn't worried though.
I was told to just take it easy and they would go away. Then I started
having sharp pains along with the contractions. They would come and go, but
would double me over when they were at their worst. I had a couple of
ultrasounds done to make sure that all was going fine. Nothing remarkable
showed up during either test.
At the end of my last month, I had a regularly scheduled
doctors appointment on a Thursday afternoon. The baby's heartbeat was a
little faster than it had been the previous 9 months. It worried me but not
the doctor. He said that he expected me to deliver within the next two to
three days. That night the pains were the worst I had ever felt. I truly
thought that I was going into labor. Little did I know that was the furthest
thing from the truth.
We had a big weekend planned. We went walking, shopping and
even had a barbecue. All this to help labor progress. Saturday evening I
realized that the baby hadn't been moving as much as usual. My husband
called the doctor and we were told to get to the hospital immediately. When
we arrived I was hooked up to the monitors. I was contracting, not strong
ones, but contractions were coming. The nurse tried with every piece of
available equipment to detect a heartbeat on the baby, but couldn't. The
doctor finally arrived and broke my water bag and put a monitor on the
baby's scalp. When even that didn't detect any heartbeat, we were told in
the coldest terms possible, "I hate to say this, but your baby is
dead".
I was stunned!!! My husband and I held each other and cried
for what seemed like forever. That night was one of the longest of my life.
I still had to go through labor and delivery even though the baby was not
alive. At approximately 8:00 Sunday morning our little angel made his
appearance into the world. He was swiftly taken away from us and placed on a
cart. Eventually my husband was allowed to hold him. I chose not to and will
regret that to my dying day. I was not able to say a proper goodbye to
Brent. I don't even remember much about that night. It is all a blur.
I keep a picture hanging on the wall in my home where I see
it many times a day. I don't ever want to forget that beautiful face. Many
people don't understand why I do this. I do it because I hurt. He is my son
even if he has returned to live with our Father in Heaven. And I truly
believe that our family will be reunited someday. That is part of the plan
created for us. That families can be together forever.
After Brent died I received a letter from a friend who was
serving a mission. In the letter she quoted me a new verse to the song
"I Am A Child Of God" that her companion had given her. This song
will always remind me of my angel.
I am a child of God, and I have gone back home.
I'm not so very far away, so please don't feel alone.
Father, Mother just believe and walk the Savior's way.
In this happy Heavenly home, you'll live with me someday.
Some sad stories have a happy ending. A little over a year
after Brent died we were blessed with the birth of our daughter Sabrina. To
read her story click on the graphic below.
A while ago someone left a touching message to me in my
guestbook. She had been to a funeral just that morning for the baby of a
friend who died at just two weeks old. At that funeral she read the poem I
have posted below. Thanks so much Serena for letting me post it here. I took
a little journalistic freedom and changed the name in the poem.
A Little Child
" I gave to you a little child," God said to me
one day,
"But I hope you'll understand it if I must take him back away.
The world is full of evil, and I cannot bear to see
this little one so precious, not come back to me.
He is too good for your world,
so he was there just a little while.
I loved you enough to let you see his beautiful face and smile.
But the time has come to let him go,
so that he may live with Me. But my good and faithful servants,
him again you will someday see.
Thank you much for giving him
an earthly home, though brief.
I hope that you can understand this all,
through your pain and grief.
My little Brent is home,
he's nothing more to fear. He will never be alone,
with angels now so near.
His eyes are shining brightly with celestial love,
The heavens now will be his home,
with his Father up above.
So remember him, and keep him, forever in your hearts,
and remember little Brent and I will now never be apart.
My intention in writing this page is not to make you sad. It
is to share my feelings about our son. Please share your feelings about this
page with me and leave me a note in my guestbook.
What a way to start the day! When I opened my email today, 2
February 1998, I found this award waiting for me.
Thanks Kendra!! It is always a special honor to receive an award when you
don't apply for it.
This award was given to this page of my web site only. I am
so honored by this award for many reasons. But mainly because it also honors
the memory of my son. Visit Brooke's site. It is fabulous!!!
