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**Dj

The phone jarred me from my sleep. I picked up the receiver to hear my best friend Julie on the other end. I could not understand what she was saying; she was so hysterical. I looked at the clock to see it was 1:30 am. What in the world is going on I wondered. Julie was crying uncontrollably. Finally, she got out the words, "Angie was in an accident, she's gone, she died. Please come, please" and she could not speak anymore. The phone went dead. Oh my God, not Angie. I threw on my clothes and splashed water on my face and ran out the front door as fast as I could. I don't even remember what I had on. I ran across the street to Julie's house. Every light in the place was on. A police car was in the driveway and our minister's car was parked beside it. Oh no, tears streamed down my face, this cannot be true. Rev. Peters opened the door even before I got to it. He hugged my neck and pointed to the living room. Greg was on the sofa, his head held in his hands.  Julie stood at the back window looking out at the lawn. Her hand was gripping the wall as if she would fall if she let go. When I approached and called her name she turned and fell into my arms. "She was only 16" was all she could say. All I could think was oh my God, oh no. I couldn't say a word; neither could she. We stood together holding each other and cried for I can't even remember how long. Her tears just wouldn't stop and her body trembled as if she had been dipped into a freezing river. That night seemed like an eternity to me. Little did I know how Angie's death would so drastically affect not only Julie and Greg's life but my own.

Oh yes, this is a SAD situation and you may want to stop here, but you just might want to read on. This could happen to one of your family members one day and you need to know how to let them deal with their grief and how you can help them get through it.



Dan, my husband and I helped Julie and Greg get through the next few days. Their son, Grego who was 13 at the time was devistated. He worshipped Angie. She was almost like his guardian angel on earth. There was nothing she wouldn't do for him. My heart just cried for him. Our son, Jason, was 12 at the time and he, Grego and Angie had grown up together. I watched Jason try to comfort Grego and more tears came. Even my own tears just couldn't be stopped. What could we do to help these beautiful people who had become family to us. We did what we could. We helped make the funeral arrangements, we were at their side 24 hours a day. The only time I left Julie's home was to go home and shower and change clothes. I took their calls and greeted people as they came in and out and tried to make sure Julie had time to herself, if only to take a bath. I never realized how the death of a young person could draw so many people to the families side and I was truly glad they came, as it meant so much to Julie and Greg. The night of the memorial service Dan and I left their home and went back to ours. We wanted to give them the time they needed to be alone. But, bright and early the next day I was back over there; I knew where the key was and wanted to straighten things up and take care of the kitchen. So many people had brought food in and I wanted to make sure Julie wouldn't have to do it. As I opened the door I saw Julie sitting at the breakfast bar where she and I had so often sat, drank coffee and shared our life's secrets. I could hear the laughter in my mind .Her head was on the bar and her body seemed so limp. I went to her and took her in my arms and she cried again for the longest time. I didn't say a word; just let her cry. It turns out as I look back now, that our times at the bar after that were spent doing just this for such a long, long time.



If I have not told you Julie's friends name yet, I apologize; her name is Sally and so far Sally has done everything as a friend that Julie could have ever expected and quite frankly, at this point, she's done everything right. Sally has been there for her friend and knew she would always be there for her.



After three weeks, Julie went back to work. She was as a systems analyst for a major corporation in town. Julie loved her work and seemed to bury herself in it. At first, that seemed to be the only place Julie could go without any problems. Her first trip to the grocery store after Angie died was terrible for her. She ran into so many people and everyone came to her and hugged her neck. Julie appreciated this and realized they just did not know what to say to her; the conversation was always strained. They never mentioned their children; probably best not to bring up their own children, then maybe the conversation could just be "light". As the months went by, Julie didn't mind going into the grocery store or W--.M--t so much. She had begun to be able to walk down the aisles where she always picked up Angies' favorite chips, her hairspray and the shampoo Angie used. It was so hard at first. Every little thing brought back special memories she told me. I really thought I could relate to some of Julie's feelings, but whether I did or not doesn't matter. What matters, as Julie told me later on, I was willing to listen. I let her pour out her heart and soul to me. I let her talk about Angie. I let her cry. I let her beat her fists on the bar and I let her scream when she needed to. We even took rides out into the country where we could be by ourselves and sat by the river. I watched Julie kick trees, hurl rocks at the river and scream to the top of her voice.



Six months had passed now and Sally watched Julie as she passed through what Sally called all the stages of grief. Little did Sally know that Julie hadn't ever gotten past the first phase. How long, Sally wondered would it take Julie to get back to her old self. She was trying to be a good friend but she didn't know how much longer she could take this.



Sally watched Julie stoically put on what she called her "public face" each day to go out and meet her world. Her world had not gotten that easy to live in. At the office, her co-workers decided it would probably be best if they just didn't bring Angie's name up. "Out of ear-shot; out of mind". They really thought this would be best for her. Julie started to notice that when she walked into a room where they were having a conversation about their children, the conversation would take an abrupt turn. She tried to start casual conversations about other co-workers children hoping that this would make them feel more comfortable with her. That seemed to work for a while until Julie would slip and mention something about Angie. Then, everyone found something they just had to do and vanished. This just added more pain to Julie's life.



What most of you, what should I call you, "normal parents" think is that it is probably best not to bring up the dead child's name; that it will be better for the parent if they just don't talk about them. This is the furtherest thing from the truth. All parents need to talk about their children, whether they are living or whether they have died. The child that is no longer here is still their child. Don't avoid mentioning their name. It brings a breaved parent joy for you to bring up their child in a casual, friendly, normal conversation and most of us aren't going to cry when you do. The idea of not mentioning the child's name is probably meant more to comfort you rather than the parent who lost a child. If you are a true friend, you will mention the child's name occassionally; you will ask the parent about a particular event that child participated in, one you know will bring a fond memory of the child. So what if you see a tear being held back in the mother or dad's eye. It's just a tear! People have seen you cry before and the tear will go away after a brief moment. By all means, mention the child's name to the parent



I found myself avoiding Julie myself. My life was so busy and they were so sad most of the time. I just couldn't handle it sometimes. Even when Julie and I went shopping, there were no more gigles, no more stopping at the perfume counter to sniff the new fragrance, no more long lunches talking about what we were going to do next summer. I missed the old Julie. Later, I began to realize that the old Julie was gone; my friend had been changed forever. At this point, I had to make up my mind whether our friendship was as important to me as I thought it was. It had been a year since Angie died and I really expected to see a bigger improvement in Julie than I had. I decided to give it more time. I had loved Julie all my life and I just couldn't give up on her when she needed me the most.



Good choice, Sally. The grieving process sometimes takes a lifetime. No one should ever expect a parent who has lost a child to ever be the same again. They never will be. They will in time begin to develop into somewhat the same person but with an entirely different outlook on life. The small things in life seem trivial now. Survival is their greatest concern after only a year has past. Later on in the process, that parent may begin to show signs of this creation of a new world; but it's only after they realize that their lives are always going to be filled with this pain and if they are to go on living, they will have to learn to construct a life where this pain is always present. They learn to live not with the pain, but through the pain. They do not want the world to avoid them because of this pain so they look for ways to place their pain on a positive level in order to begin to be accepted by the world again. It's probably like a baby learning to walk. If it doesn't work putting the left foot forward first, then we try the right.



I finally went to Julie one night after work. We sat at her bar and had coffee. I didn't know what to say, so I just blurted it out. "Julie, what am I doing wrong?" How can I help you feel better about yourself and how can I be a better friend." Julie surprised me with her answer. "Sally, you are the only person I can talk to about Angie; no one else will let me mention her name. I need to talk about her sometimes. It hurts so deeply that people avoid me in the stores because they don't know what to say to me. Don't they know they just need to treat me the same today as they did two years ago. I am not the same person; never will be, but I have the same values that I have always had. I am trying to get better and I am fighting for my life and for Greg's and Grego's. It just seems more than I can handle sometimes. It it were not for you, sometimes I think I would go crazy. I'm so sorry that you were chosen to be my confidant in this world but we have been friends too long for me to go out looking for another "best friend". Anyway, (with a wink) who else would put up with me. " We laughed, sitting at the bar, we finally burst out in laughter; the kitchen seem to glow with the noise. We sat for hours that night talking about Jason and Grego and what kind of grades they were going to get this session and the sale at Macy's; maybe we could go Saturday. Only after I returned home did I feel that Julie must really, really love me for putting up with the comments I made to her during the holidays. I can't believe I made such a big deal about their going to the Bahama's for Christmas. "Who spends Christmas in the Bahama's? We have always spent the holidays together. You will be better off here with the people that love you."  I can't believe I said that to her. How dumb could you be? Sure they needed to spend special holidays differently that first couple of years. They may always have to do things differently. I just hope this year, their plans will include us. And you know, I kind of think they will, at least I hope so; I miss them so much.



Wise lady, this Sally. She gave her friend the support she needed; she listened and she let Julie cry. She hung in there when other friends might have vanished. What Sally doesn't realize is the affect of Angies' death has taken her friend away from her and she misses the old Julie. Her life has been changed too and she feels cheated because of it. Sally wants things to be they used to be but doesn't fully realize that they never can be the same again , for Julie will never be the same. But, she will never know what an impact she had in Julies' life by just being there for her and listening. Friendship-the definition-well, that about sums it up-be there and listen.
                                                                                                                                            copyright ©1997
                                                                                                                                                          SWalsh

 
 
 

**Dj
I have used the words, grieving process several times during this little story. Please remember this; each one of us handle our grief in different ways. My husband and myself are completely opposite in the ways we deal with our pain. What has made this process bearable for the two of us is we give the other the right to grieve in our own way. Just as men grieve differently from women; some men grieve differently from other men and women grieve differently from women. Typo, right? No, each individual must be given the opportunity by their friends and family to handle their grief their way; as long as it is medically sound. What may seem completely unnatural to you may be exactly what another person needs to in order to pass through that phase of grief. The loss of a child is a terrible thing to survive.

If your child dies, then that means you must have done something wrong, right? What could we have done to have avoided this? These are just a few of those questions that prey on a parents mind. Can you imagine that? Your child dies in a freak automobile accident, some wacko drives by and kills your child, your child becomes depressed because they didn't make cheerleader or didn't make the first squad on the football team or they watch a movie about a troubled teenager and relate to it and in a moment of panic, take their own life, or a terrible disease invades their life and then they are gone. Parents blame themselves when their child dies. This is one of the first things they have to overcome. Think about this for a moment. Can you imagine blaming yourself for your child's death? How easy would it be for you to overcome feelings such as these and realize that your child's death was between your child and God, that you had nothing to do with it.

Be patient with your friends and family who have lost children; be there for them. Give them the opportunity to grieve before you expect them to continue on with their life. If you can do this, you will come out a better person for having gone through this with and for your friends and family.

Thanks for letting me share this little story with you. If you have any questions or comments that might make this a better article, please feel free to send me an email.
 

If you have story or article you feel may help someone and would like to see added to this commentary, please feel free to send it. I will be happy to include it in this page.
 
 
 
 

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