DON'T WALK IN FRONT OF ME... I MAY NOT FOLLOW. DON'T WALK BEHIND ME... I MAY NOT LEAD, WALK BESIDE ME.. AND JUST BE MY FRIEND.

MOST GRIEVING PEOPLE DO NOT NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP.. THEY NEED A FRIEND. HERE IS A "BAKERS DOZEN," OF WAYS YOU CAN BE A FRIEND TO SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING.

1. BE THERE. GRIEVING PEOPLE NEED SUPPORT AND PRESENCE MUCH MORE THAN ADVICE. IT IS IMPORTANT TO OFFER SUPPORT OVER TIME.

2. INITIATE AND ANTICIPATE. GRIEVING PEOPLE OFTEN DON'T KNOW OR CAN'T ASK FOR WHAT THEY NEED. SUGGEST TIMES YOU'LL BE WITH THEM. TELL THEM WAYS YOU'D LIKE TO HELP.

3. LISTEN. IT'S OFTEN HARD TO BELIEVE A LOSS HAD REALLY HAPPENED. GRIEVING PEOPLE OFTEN NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT A LOT AND TELL THE STORIES OVER AND OVER. LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGMENT OR INTERRUPTION CAN BE THE MOST IMPORTANT GIFT YOU CAN GIVE.

4. AVOID EASY ANSWER AND CLICHÉS "I' M SORRY " OR "I'M WITH YOU" MAY BE THE BEST RESPONSE.

5. SILENCE IS GOLDEN. SOMETIMES THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR GRIEF AND NO WORDS THAT BRING ENOUGH COMFORT TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN. SILENCE CAN DEMONSTRATE EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS. YOUR TRUST AND ACCEPTANCE.

6. ACCEPT AND ENCOURAGE THE EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS REASSURE THE PERSON THAT GRIEF HAS MANY FEELINGS............THAT FEELINGS ARE LIKE BAROMETERS THAT INDICATE OUR INTERNAL WEATHER. EXPRESSING FEELINGS CAN HELP CHANGE THE WEATHER. SUGGEST NON HURTFUL WAYS. (CRY, RUNNING, ETC.}

7. OFFER OPPORTUNITIES AND SAFETY FOR REMEMBERING. THERE ARE MANY TIMES DURING GRIEF THAT REMEMBERING HELPS THE HEALING AND GROWTH PROCESS, OFFER TO REVISIT PLACES AND PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP THEM GET THEIR QUESTIONS ANSWERED OR REMEMBER AND CAN CONFIRM THE IMPORTANCE OF THE LOSS.

8. LEARN ABOUT THE GRIEF PROCESS. IT WILL HELP WITH YOUR FEARS AND FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS. WHEN APPROPRIATE, SHARE THIS WITH YOU FRIEND AS A NATURAL PROCESS.

9. HELP THE PERSON FIND SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT. HELP YOUR FRIEND FIND A VARIETY OF SUPPORTS TO DEAL WITH DIFFERENT FEELINGS AND NEEDS.

10. ALLOW THE PERSON TO GRIEVE AT HIS OR HER OWN PACE. GRIEF IS AN INDIVIDUAL PROCESS. YOUR ABILITY TO NOT JUDGE THE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES WILL LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE TO CONFORM TO OTHER PEOPLES' NEEDS OR WAYS, AND WILL ENHANCE SELF-TRUST.

11. BE PATIENT. WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIEND. YOU MAY NEED TO GIVE MORE OF YOURSELF THAN YOU IMAGINED. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MEANS OF SUPPORT AND SELF-CARE TO SEE YOU THROUGH.

12. PROVIDE FOR TIMES OF LIGHT-HEARTINESS. GRIEF CAN BE LIKE SWIMMING UPSTREAM... SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF IT AND RECOUP. LAUGHTER AND PLAY ARE WONDERFUL WAYS TO REGAIN SOME NEEDED ENERGY.

13. BELIEVE IN THE PERSON'S ABILITY TO RECOVER AND GROW. YOUR HOPE AND FAITH MAY BE NEEDED WHEN THEIRS FAILS. YOUR TRUST IN THE OTHER'S ABILITY TO HEAL IS ESSENTIAL. LISTEN AND BE WITH THEM IN EMOTIONAL PAIN. DON'T PUSH.

1. I WISH YOU WOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK MY CHILD'S NAME. MY CHILD LIVED AND WAS IMPORTANT TO ME AND I NEED TO HEAR HIS NAME

2 .IF I CRY OR GET EMOTIONAL WHEN WE TALK ABOUT MY CHILD, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT ISN'T BECAUSE YOU HAVE HURT ME; THE FACT THAT MY CHILD DIED HAS CAUSED MY TEARS. YOU HAVE ALLOWED ME TO CRY AND I THANK YOU. CRYING AND EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS ARE HEALING.

3. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T "KILL" MY CHILD AGAIN BY REMOVING FROM YOUR HOME HIS PICTURES, ARTWORK ,AND OTHER REMEMBRANCES.

4. I WILL HAVE EMOTIONAL HIGHS AND LOWS, UPS AND DOWNS. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T THINK THAT IF I HAVE A GOOD DAY MY GRIEF IS ALL OVER, OR THAT IF I HAVE A BAD DAY I NEED PSYCHIATRIC COUNSELING.

5. I WISH YOU KNEW THAT THE DEATH OF A CHILD IS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER LOSSES AND MUST BE VIEWED SEPARATELY. IT IS THE ULTIMATE TRAGEDY , AND I WISH YOU WOULDN'T COMPARE IT TO YOUR LOSS OF A PARENT, A SPOUSE, OR A PET.

6. BEING A BEREAVED PARENT IS NOT CONTAGIOUS, SO I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SHY AWAY FROM ME.

7. I WISH YOU KNEW THAT ALL OF THE "CRAZY" GRIEF REACTIONS THAT I AM HAVING ARE IN FACT VERY NORMAL. DEPRESSION, ANGER, FRUSTRATION, HOPELESSNESS, AND THE QUESTIONING OF VALUES AND BELIEFS ARE TO BE EXPECTED FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF A CHILD.

8. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT MY GRIEF TO BE OVER IN SIX MONTHS. THE FIRST FEW YEARS ARE GOING TO BE EXCEEDINGLY TRAUMATIC FOR US. AS WITH ALCOHOLICS, I WILL NEVER BE CURED OR A FORMER BEREAVED PARENT, BUT WILL FOREVERMORE BE A RECOVERING BEREAVED PARENT.

9. I WISH YOU UNDERSTOOD THE PHYSICAL REACTIONS TO GRIEF. I MAY GAIN WEIGHT OR LOSS WEIGHT, SLEEP ALL THE TIME OR NOT AT ALL, DEVELOP A HOST OF ILLNESSES AND BE ACCIDENT PRONE-ALL OF WHICH MAY BE RELATED TO MY GRIEF.

10. OUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY, THE ANNIVERSARY OF HIS DEATH, AND HOLIDAYS ARE TERRIBLE TIMES FOR US. I WISH YOU COULD TELL US THAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT OUR CHILD ON THESE DAYS, AND IF WE GET QUIET AND WITHDRAWN, JUST KNOW THAT WE ARE THINKING ABOUT OUR CHILD AND DON'T TRY TO COERCE US INTO BEING CHEERFUL.

11. IT IS NORMAL AND GOOD THAT MOST OF US RE-EXAMINE OUR FAITH, VALUES, AND BELIEFS AFTER LOSING A CHILD. WE WILL QUESTION THINGS WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT ALL OUR LIVES AND HOPEFULLY COME TO SOME NEW UNDERSTANDING WITH OUR GOD. I WISH YOU WOULD LET ME TANGLE WITH MY RELIGION WITHOUT MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY.

12. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T OFFER ME DRINKS OR DRUGS. THESE ARE JUST TEMPORARY CRUTCHES AND THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET THROUGH THIS GRIEF IS TO EXPERIENCE IT. I HAVE TO HURT BEFORE I CAN HEAL.

13. I WISH YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT GRIEF CHANGES PEOPLE. I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE MY CHILD DIED, AND I NEVER WILL BE THAT PERSON AGAIN. IF YOU KEEP WAITING FOR ME TO GET BACK TO MY OLD SELF YOU WILL STAY FRUSTRATED. I AM A NEW CREATURE WITH NEW THOUGHTS, DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS, VALUES AND BELIEFS. PLEASE TRY TO GET TO KNOW THE NEW ME-MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE ME STILL. INSTEAD OF SITTING AROUND AND WAITING FOR OUR WISHES TO COME TRUE, WE HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO TEACH PEOPLE SOME OF THE THINGS WE HAVE LEARNED ABOUT OUR GRIEF. WE CAN TEACH THESE LESSONS WITH GREAT KINDNESS, BELIEVING THAT PEOPLE HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS AND WANT TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT, BUT JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH US.

by:Kelly Osmont

YOU ASK "HOW ARE YOU DOING?" AS I TOLD YOU, TEARS COME TO MY EYES.... AND YOU LOOKED AWAY AND QUICKLY BEGAN TO TALK AGAIN. ALL THE ATTENTION YOU HAD GIVEN ME DRAINED AWAY. "HOW AM I DOING"..... I DO BETTER WHEN PEOPLE LISTEN, THOUGH I MAY SHED A TEAR OR TWO. THIS PAIN IS INDESCRIBABLE. IF YOU'VE NEVER KNOWN IT YOU CANNOT FULLY UNDERSTAND. YET I NEED YOU. WHEN YOU LOOK AWAY , WHEN I'M IGNORED, I AM AGAIN ALONE WITH IT. YOUR ATTENTION MEANS MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER KNOW REALLY, TEARS ARE NOT A BAD SIGN, YOU KNOW! THEY'RE NATURE'S WAY OF HELPING ME TO HEAL.... THEY RELIEVE SOME OF THE STRESS OF SADNESS. I KNOW YOU FEAR THAT ASKING HOW I'M DOING BRINGS ME SADNESS.... BUT YOU'RE WRONG. THE MEMORY OF MY LOVED ONE'S DEATH WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME ONLY A THOUGHT AWAY. MY TEARS MAKE MY PAIN MORE VISIBLE TO YOU, BUT YOU DID NOT GIVE ME THE PAIN....IT WAS ALREADY THERE. WHEN I CRY, COULD IT BE THAT YOU FEEL HELPLESS, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO"? YOU ARE NOT HELPLESS, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO DO A THING BUT BE THERE. WHEN I FEEL YOUR PERMISSION TO ALLOW MY TEARS TO FLOW, YOU'VE HELPED ME. YOU NEED NOT SPEAK. YOUR SILENCE AS I CRY IS ALL I NEED. BE PATIENT.... DO NOT FEAR. LISTENING WITH YOUR HEART TO "HOW I AM DOING" RELIEVES THE PAIN, FOR WHEN THE TEARS CAN FLOW, YOU'VE HELPED ME. YOU NEED NOT SPEAK. FOR WHEN THE TEARS CAN FREELY COME AND GO, I FEEL LIGHTER. TALKING TO YOU RELEASES WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY ALOUD, CLEARING SPACE FOR A TOUCH OF JOY IN MY LIFE. I'LL CRY FOR A MINUTE OR TWO.... AND THEN I'LL WIPE MY EYES, AND SOMETIMES YOU'LL EVEN FIND I'M LAUGHING LATER. WHEN I HOLD BACK THE TEARS, MY THROAT GROWS TIGHT, MY CHEST ACHES, MY STOMACH KNOTS...BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM MY TEARS. THEN WE BOTH HURT..... ME BECAUSE MY PAIN IS HELD INSIDE, A SHIELD AGAINST OUR CLOSENESS....AND YOU, BECAUSE SUDDENLY WE'RE DISTANT. SO PLEASE, TAKE MY HAND AND SEE ME THROUGH MY TEARS...THEN WE CAN BE CLOSE AGAIN .

* feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest.

* have an empty feeling in their stomach and lose their appetite.

* feel guilty at times and angry at other times.

* feel restless and look for activity, but find it difficult to concentrate.

* feel as though the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen.

* sense the loved one's presence, like finding themselves expecting the person to walk in the door at the usual time, hearing their voice, or seeing their face.

* wander aimlessly, forget, fail to finish things started to do around the house.

* have difficulty sleeping and dream of their loved one frequently.

* experience an intense preoccupation with the life of the deceased.

* assume mannerisms of traits of their loved one.

* feel guilty or angry over things that happened or didn't happen in the relationship with the deceased.

* feel intensely angry at the loved one for leaving them.

* feel as though the need to take care of others people who seem uncomfortable around them, by politely not talking about the feelings of loss or about the deceased.

* need to tell and retell and remember things about the loved one and the experience of the death.

* feel mood changes over the slightest things.

* cry at unexpected times.All these are natural and normal grief responses. It is important to cry and learning also to express our feelings concerning our experience, we are helped to arrive at a healthy energy.and talk with people when you need to do so. By learning about the process ofgrief

readjustment of our lives and a reinvestment of our emotional

Remember: there is no right or wrong way to do things! Handle the holidays the way that is best for you. Recognize that the holidays will be painful and surrender to that fact.

1. Shopping can be extremely upsetting. Many of us fear "losing it" in the mall or in a store, so: a. decide if you will give presents this year(remember the kids) b. shop by catalogue and phone c. shop early-try to have it done by Thanksgiving d. ask an understanding friend to accompany you e. ask an understanding friend to shop for you

2. Traditional family dinners-same meal, same place, same time, empty chair, can be utterly devastating. Talk this over with family members way beforehand and decide what you will do.

Be sure that every family member has a chance to voice his/her opinion, but try to go with the wishes of children and of those who are most upset by the impending holiday.

You might: a. change the menu, time and place of the meal b. invite company over, especially supportive people c. accept invitations to go to someone's home, especially someone who can accept seeing you cry. d. eat out in a restaurant e. keep the family tradition if that is what you choose

3. Holiday cards-this can be very painful because of not signing the loved one's name. a. must you send cards? b. can you cut down the number of cards? c. have cards printed with your names on them and simply put them in the envelopes d. give pre-printed cards and an address list to a close friend and ask for help in addressing them. Do this together with a friend while sharing coffee

4. Holiday preparations-these can get to be very out of proportion and can consume a lot of precious energy. a. it's OK if your house does not look like it came out of "Beautiful Homes of America" b. you do not have to bake twelve dozen cookies. Order them from a bakery c. Decide what, if any, decorations you might want to put up. Perhaps you will want to but something new, a candle, wreath, in memory of your loved one

5. Being around the house can be very painful for some, but a source of peace for others. Talk about this with the family. You might consider getting out by going to a good

friend's house. Some people go away on vacation while others do not have the desire to do this. If you do get away, remember that you are apt to walk into a Christmas setting lodge filled with families.

6. Church/Synagogue services: a.some find great comfort in going and should go. It doesn't matter if you cry. b. consider changing the hour of the service or go with friends c. if going to church/synagogue is important to some family members, but unbearable for others, split up. Try to take a friend along for support through.

7. The Christmas tree a. continue your tradition if that is what you want. Some do this in memory of their loved one who always loved to fuss with a tree. b. buy an artificial one already decorated c. ask family and friends to help decorate it d. do without it(remember: there is no right or wrong way to handle this. You do what makes YOU feel good, or at least OK) e. if you do without one, you might want to get a centerpiece or other symbol f. if there are children, try to have a tree and perhaps let them do the decorations g. Put the tree in a different place if you need to

8. Realize that this will be difficult, and that you will feel sad. Set aside time and place for quiet and a good cry if needed.

9.talk with family and friends about the anticipated dread. Sometimes just talking about it diffuses some of the anxiety or puts it in clearer perceptive. This also allows the others to be aware of that you are feeling and thinking.

10. Try to remember good times and store away good memories of past holidays to pull out when the going gets bad. Share these memories with family and friends. This will also help to break the aura of silence that many fear and gives others permission to mention the deceased's name.

11. Remember that the love relationship, does not die. Try to find a new and perhaps creative way to express your love for your deceased loved one.: a. burn a candle and hold a vigil b. make a donation to charity c. buy a gift for a poor child and help deliver it d. volunteer for some activity at your church or synagogue-make Christmas baskets for poor families, wrap toys for homeless children.

12. Remember that more than two million families each year are newly bereaved. Find each other and perhaps reach out in support.(Support groups, Compassionate Friends, etc)

13. Remember that HOPE is always there and future holidays will not all be as painful as the first ones.

Friends of Bereaved Do's and Don'ts

Do's

Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you can share it and help them feel less alone. Do let your genuine concern and care show. Do call the child by name Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support as Mothers. Do be available...to listen, run errands, to drive, help with the other children, or what ever else seems needed at the time. Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain. Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods. Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as much and as often as they want. Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child. Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister at the funeral and in the months to come( they too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give) Do reassure the parents that they did everything they could, that the care the child received was the best possible. Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the child and remember the family in the following year. Remembering the child is very supportive. Do extend invitations to them But, understand if they decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above all continue to call and visit. Do send a personal not or letter and/ or make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to the family. Do get literature about the disease and grief process to help you understand.

Don'ts

Don't think that the age of the child determines its value and impact. Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting than words. Don't avoid the family because you feel helpless, uncomfortable, or don't know what to say. Don't change the subject when they mention their child. Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it takes a long time to heal and they never forget. Don't encourage the use of drugs or alcohol. Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to listen. Don't say you know how they feel, unless you have lost a child yourself. Don't tell them what they should feel or do. Don't try to find something positive in the child's death. Don't point out that they at least have and/or should be grateful for their other children. Don't say that they can always have another child.

Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together.

Avoid the following clichés

"It was God's will or it was a blessing" "your young, you'll get over it" "at least it wasn't older" "get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world" "God needed another flower for His garden" "you must be strong for the other children" "Be brave, don't cry" "Time will heal" "You're doing so well"

by Gail Fasolo

You don't know how I feel--please don't tell me that you do. There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too? "You'll have another child"--must I hear this each day? Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was "God's will"--that's not the God I know. Would God on purpose break my heart, then watch as my tears flow? "You have an angel in heaven--a precious child above." But, tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?

"Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say? No! A part of my heart aches--I'll always feel some pain. You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more. I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well. They do not take my pain away;I must go through the hell. I will get better slow but sure--and it helps to have you near, But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.

I won't say, " I know how you feel" -because I don't. I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends, but I've never lost a child. So how can I say I know how you feel? I won't say, "You'll get over it" - be- cause you won't. Life will have to go on. The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine. These chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there.

I won't say, "Your other children will be comfort to you" - because they may not be. Many mother I've talked to say that after they have lost a child, they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy when the other child is not.

I won't say, "Never mind, you're young enough to have another baby" -because that won't help. A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, give you sleepless nights. But it will not replace the one you've lost.

You may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don't know what else to say. You will find out who your true friends are at this time. Many will avoid you because they can't face you. Others will talk about the weather, the holidays and the school concert but never about your child. Never about how you're coping. So what will I say?

I will say, "I'm here. I care. Any time. Anywhere." I'll cry with you if need be. I'll talk about your loved one. We'll laugh about the good memories. I won't mind how long you grieve. I won't tell you to pull yourself together.

No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing, perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me and find your burden has eased. Try me.

PLEASE DEAR FRIEND, Don't say to me the old cliches, Time heal all wounds, God only gives you as much as you can bear, Life is for the living,

Just say the thoughts of your heart. I'm sorry, I love you,I'm here, I care. Hug me and squeeze my hand. I need your warmth and strength. Please don't drop your eyes when I am near. I feel so rejected now by God and man. Just look in my eyes and let me know that you are with me. It's okay to cry. It tells me that you care. Let me cry,too. It's so lonely to always cry alone. Please keep coming by even after many weeks has passed. When the numbness wears off, the pain of grief is unbearable. Don't ever expect me to be quite the same. How can I be when part of my being is here no more? But please dear friend, with your love, support and understanding, I will live and love again and be grateful every day that I have you.

Author Unknown

"Put it behind you" is your advice. Please don't say it my friend, - not this time. I dropped and broke my favourite pitcher - I was upset, so I cried. I went to every store looking for another. Not finding one, I asked the manager to order me another one. She said she couldn't guarantee it would be exactly the same. I put it behind me. I lost my favourite pen, and was totally undone. Writing every day, the way I do, pens become like friends and you do have your favourite ones. But I bought another one. And, I put it behind me. I lost an earring and ruined the pair - lost a diamond from my wedding ring - wrecked the car beyond repair... All were losses, all produced degrees of grief reaction. All of these things - I could put them behind me. But not this time my friend. Not this time my friend - don't ask me. Don't tell me or even suggest that I put it behind me - my child's death.

BEATTITUDES FOR THOSE WHO COMFORT

by Jackie Deems

Blessed are those who do not use tears to measure the true feeling of the bereaved.

Blessed are those who do not always have a quick "comforting" answer.

Blessed are those who do not make judgments on the bereaved's closeness to God by

their reaction to the loss of their loved ones.

Blessed are those who allow the bereaved enough time to heal.

Blessed are those who admit their uncomfortableness and put it aside to help the bereaved.

Blessed are those who do not give unwanted advice.

Blessed are those who continue to call, visit, and reach out when the crowd has dwindled and the wounded are left standing alone.

Blessed are those who realize the fragility of bereavement and handle it with and understanding shoulder and a loving heart.

by Joanetta Hendel

Don't tell me that you understand Don't tell me that you know, Don't tell me that I will survive Or how I will surely grow. Don't tell me that this is just a test that I am truly blessed That I am chosen for this task apart from all the rest. Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me, Don't tell me how my grief will pass, That I will soon be free. Don't stand in pious judgement Of the bounds I must untie, Don't tell me how to suffer And don't tell me how to cry! My life is filled with selfishness, My pain is all I see, But, I need you now, I need your love, unconditionally. Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share, Just hold my hand and let me cry, And say, "My friend, I care."