The Emotions of Grief
Where to go for Support
Losing a loved one is never easy. Especially when it is a child. We try to prepare ourselves for the loss of our grandparents and eventually even our parents...but we never are prepared for the loss of a child. It is a long journey and it can be devastating for us, even frightening, and very often lonely. We find ourselves saying and doing things that are totally out of the norm for us. We say things we might never dared say before. And we expect others around us to understand our feelings even when they don't know who we are! Grief is like a big open sore. Eventually it will heal, but there will always be a scar. Our lives will change in a way that while it may be better, it will never be the same. Going through grief is like riding on a roller coaster. Some days you are at the bottom of the ride, where the grief is deep and the pain seems unbearable. But then you find yourself at the top of the ride and you can even laugh and smile. But then, like a roller coaster, back down the hill you go...and then, back up. The good news though is that you will find the valleys coming less and less often, and you will be at the top of the ride for longer periods of time.
One way to handle grief (if one wants to actually call it "handleing"), is to work through our grief. In order to do that, we must go through the process listed above. However, it is important to note that no two people go through the process in the exact same way.
The phases of grief are defined below:1
SHOCK - This is the purest form of "non-feeling." It is a buffer between reality and the mind - it allows you to deny your loss and believe that it just has not happened. People can get stuck in this first phase if their denial is strong enough. Getting stuck here is rare, but does happen to those people who have never really allowed themselves to "feel" much through their lives. As a first phase, shock allows this buffer so that we can perform those daily functions that just have to get done. Those who get stuck here continue to claim that "it didn't happen" and therefore it doesn't matter and therefore don not have to respond, I don't have to "feel."
SADNESS - This phase is best described as "tears." You must allow yourself to cry. the tears are a visible sign that you are hurting and brings to the surface that something awful has happend to you. Others can see the "tears" and respond. In this phase, you need to be nurtured so that the void within you can be filled. Tears invite others to nurture you - to come closer and "be there." It is an open invitation of caring people to care for you. This is a beginning to realizing that this loss really "did happen" to you.
ANGER - This phase is very helpful as it allows you to start to regain your own "identity" agan, although this identity is altered because of your "missing piece." When you are angry whether it is with God, or the loss (I'm mad at you for leaving home, I'm angry at my ex-boss because seh fired me, I'm angry at my grandmother because she died and left me, etc.) you tend to distance yourself from other people because you aren't particularly pleasant or fun to be around. The anger helps you to rebuild who you are now as it gives you needed growing and restructuring space. People can get stuck in this phase if they make up their minds that they are "not going to let this happen again." They build a wall to protect themselves from further hurt of the same kind and they just stay angry.
NOTE: During the sadness and angry phases people tend to make a lot of mistakes. Your judgment is not as good as it usuallyl is (because you are out of control of your usual good judgment). People who are grieving will rush around in their lives while sad and/or angry to keep busy and deal with their grief when they have time or when othes bring it to their attention.
DEPRESSION This phase is also referred to as the RESIGNATION phase. Here you KNOW that your loss is real - life is blah. Nothing is energizing, there are few "highs" in your life. Thisis the time when you slow yourself down and do as little as possible. It is time to catch up from the hecticness of the pace and mistakes made during the saddnes/anger phases. Life can feel meaningles; but you come to realize that since life is meaningless perhaps this los is also less meaningful than you originally had though. In sadness and anger you feel you can still DO something about this loss, here in depression you know that you can't DO anything. Depression is a major out of control state; it is a form of anger turned inward on yourself. In anger the bad guy is someone else - in depression the bad guy is obviously YOU, because YOU are the one who can DO nothing about this situation.
ACCEPTANCE - In this phase you begin to see that your loss is a part of your life. The loss doesnot consume your life, it is not your whole world, it is not ALL there is of you. This loss is only a part of who you are. You fel that the loss is an okay thing (as okay as it can be) and you need to grow from that experience which is a part of your life.
HOPE - Here you acknowledge that the experience of grief over your loss allows you to give something back to YOURSELF. You also have some additional part of yourself developed through the growth of acceptance that you can give to others - when your grieving is done.
It is important to note that you can return to any phase of the grieving process from your current position when something happens to re-open those feelings. Hopefully, if your return to a previous phase you won't stay there long. You probably will want to quickly move forward to where you were - al elements need to be gone through in order to complete the grieving process.
You do not immobilize yourself or stop living while grieving -- you heal in your own chosen time and have to keep yourself open to the continuance of these phases; even when it means flowing backwards. You flow back when you find that you did not initially spend enough time there. You don't know what may happen to re-open a previous phase, but you must allow yourself to BE where you are. So if you're sad, you're sad and you can BE sad.
When we lost Christy, we have so many friends at our house all the time. Someone was always doing something...answering the phone, making a meal, cleaning, comforting, etc. Most of the days seemed to have passed in a blur. I know I ate cause someone would make me eat. If it had been left up to me, I probably woudn't have eaten. Five days after she died we had her funeral. Up through that point as I said we were never alone. On Thursday morning, the day after the funeral we got up to an empty house. . .just the family and no one else. We didn't know what to do. We felt like we'd been abandoned. We actually panicked. We couldn't think what it was we were supposed to do next!
What had happened was our friends stayed with us and then felt that once we made it through the funeral, we could handle it on our own. I am not laying blame on anyone because I would probably have thought the same...but now I know better. So I would like to offer some suggestions incase you ever have a friend going through the same thing.
First, don't desert the bereaved after the funeral is over. Encourage other friends to take turns keeping them company.
Also, don't try to make it all better for them. The family must go through the pain before they can begin to heal. Don't tell them how they must feel with the pain either. Each person grieves differently even in the same household.
Let the bereaved speak how he/she is feeling. Allow them the safety to talk without fear of being silenced. Listen with your heart. It isn't important for you to say something comforting to them. It is important for you to just be there.
Don't deny them the emotions they are feeling. If they are angry and want to yell, let them yell. If they are mad at God, let them be mad. God understands and He has shoulders BIG enough to handle it.
If the bereaved wants to talk about the one who died, don't try to stop them. Let them talk about it him/her as much as they need to. This is very important for their healing process.
But don't ever tell them you know how they fell (unless you have gone through the same thing), because you really don't know how they feel.
Be there for them as much as possible. If this was an expected death, it will usually take about six months to work through the grief process. An unexpected death can take a year or more. And with the loss of a child it is not unusual to take up to two years to work through the grief. This doesn't mean you have to be at their side morning, noon and night, but if they need to talk try to be available.
If the bereaved is having a good day, don't do anything to make them feel guilty about it. I always said, if I am up, let me be up. If I am down, give me a hug. I can remember times when I felt good and someone actually made me feel guilty cause I wasn't grieving!
Don't make statements such as "God took him/her home cause He wanted another flower for His flower garden," or "At least you can always have more children," or "Well, you still have two more children at home to be thankful about" etc. One of the statements that really did a number on me was "God knew He could take better care of her so He brought her home." I wanted to scream at that person... but instead just walked away in pain.
When in doubt, just be yourself. If your not sure what to say, be honest. Tell the person how sorry you are and you don't know what to say. Truth is appreciated more than if you avoided them.
Remember that it is ok to cry with the family, to hug, to touch, to laugh or whatever the moment calls for.
Finally, remember the other family members. Children grieve differently than adults. Allow them to talk about their feelings. However, don't force them to talk about it if they aren't ready. When sending sympathy cards, send one to the children also. Add a note to it specifically for them.
Don't forget about the grandparents either. When we lost Christy, I was not only grieving over her death, but I was grieving over my daughters. I had a young mother who could not be comforted no matter what I tried. It was the first time I could not take my child's pain away from her. I had another daughter who felt responsible for her neice's death. She couldn't stop herself from thinking the "If only" thoughts and there was nothing I could do to help her. I had a triple grief and yet I had to remain strong for them.
SHOCK/DENIAL
Isaiah 42:16 "I will lead the blind by ways thay have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Isaiah 45:2-3 "I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will brek down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
ANGER
Eph. 4:26-27 "In your anger donot sin; Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
Psalms 51:6 "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place."
SADNESS/DEPRESSION
Psalms 119:28 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word."
Psalm 70:5 "Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God, You are my help and my deliver; O Lord, do not delay."
FORGIVENESS
Eph. 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you."
Matt. 5:7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."
ACCEPTANCE
Psalms 34:18-19 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may hvemany troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all."
Habakkuk 3:17-19 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there areno grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyuful in God my savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; Hemakes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights."
HOPE
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called accroding to his purpose."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know athe plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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