You would think that I would have learned some things and grown up a bit after my first
marriage. Well, you can think it, but it aint true. After Jim left me I moved back down to
Phoenix to be with my family. Jim had moved in with another woman here in Phoenix. I
had to get a job because he wouldn't give me any money for child support. In fact, even
after the divorce he still refused to give me money. (This was before they attached a
person's wages for child support.) Anyway, I got a job working at a Bible College. I
hooked my self in with other Christians and became involved with the singles in the
church. It actually looked like I was doing good. I want to emphasize the word "look"
because what was seen on the outside was not what was going on inside of me. I was
looking to people for comfort. I was looking to people for answers. I was looking to
people to fill the emptiness inside of me. (Now, I will say that even though I was not
being true to myself or God, I was reading the Word and His Word is not void.)
I dated several guys in the church. I was only 22 at the time! Each guy I dated though,
had problems with violence and tempers. They never actually hit me, but I can't say as
much for the wall, doors, furniture or what ever was close. One day one of the church
elders called me into his office to speak with me. He said I was drawn to violent people
because they had a familiar spirit. We prayed against it and asked God to set me free. He
must have, because I never went out with a violent guy again.
I met Richard a few months after Jim and I divorced. We eloped less than two months later. While we dated, he led me to believe he had a great job making great money. He also told me he was a college graduate. He was involved in the church choir and in street witnessing. We went downtown to where the drunks and drug dealers were and witnessed to them a lot. He always "seemed" to have just the right words to say. So I thought I had finally found someone who would take care of me and keep me safe.
My family wasn’t very happy that I had eloped. I couldn’t understand why because to me he was the best thing that ever happened. I realize now that my parents had much more wisdom than I did and they could see the immaturity and foolishness of our actions. But I was still at the “I know everything” stage of my life so I didn’t really care what they thought.
I got pregnant with my son Adam a few weeks after we got married. I was thrilled. All my friends were having babies at the time so I wanted one also. (Now that’s a mature reason to have a baby - NOT!) Anyhow, he told me that he had been temporarily laid off at his job due to the weather. He was doing construction work and it had been raining quite a bit. But when the weather cleared up, he didn’t start back to work. He kept telling me one thing after another as to why they weren’t working yet. I wasn’t too worried because I was still working.
I finally talked to his boss (who started going to our church), and asked him when Richard would start working again. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Why would I want Richard to come back to work for me? I fired the man six months ago!” I was stunned. I asked him why and he went on to explain that on the days Richard actually made it to work on time, he would take so long to do anything that the others would just do it for him. I felt like my world had just fallen apart. Of course Richard had his own excuses to explain what happened. But I wasn’t sure I believed him. I then asked his Grandmother about his college education. She laughed at me and said “What college education?” Another lie. But what could I do. I was already several months pregnant, and I couldn’t have a second marriage fail. So I began pushing him to get a job.
I made him go out day after day looking. I found out that he was going to the movie theater instead. He’d sit inside the theater all day watching movies because he didn’t want to work. Finally he did get one with a Christian plumbing company. It was a good thing too, because I was having problems with my pregnancy and my doctor ordered me to quit working.
Richard only lasted a few months at this job. They also fired him because he was so slow and lazy. We ended up on welfare, food stamps and county health. My son was born at the county hospital shortly after.
During this time Richard went through one job after another. He kept getting fired for the same reason. He was too slow and too lazy. He even went to work for my own father and my father had to let him go! When Adam was one year old I got pregnant again. I knew he had to get a job to take care of us. The only solution I saw left was for him to go into the service. I thought, “He can’t get fired from that job!” Well he started studying for his enlistment tests. I helped him as much as I could. When it came time to take the tests, I felt confident that he would do good. Well, he did so bad that the only thing he could go into was the Army National Guard! And he’d made that only by the skin of his teeth! So he went away to basic training. (The only job he could get was as a baker. Everything else would have required higher scores.) He finished basic two days before Sandy was born.
Richard got a job as a security guard right before he went into basic training. They actually held his job for him while he was gone so he was able to go right back to work. For a while things seemed to be better. Then he got fired and the same pattern started up again. He finally got a job through someone in the church. The owner of the company was a Christian and he was willing to put up with Richard’s laziness. He felt it was something that could change if the right person helped him.
At this point, I began seeing some changes in Kacie and CJ. They didn’t want me to go anywhere and leave them with Richard. They would beg me to take them. I also noticed that they seemed to be changing in their behavior. They tended to cling together and always looked scared. I don’t know what made me think it, but I began to suspect that Richard was fondling them. I asked them about it several times but they always said no. So I let it go thinking it was just my imagination. But then when the girls were around 8 and 10 years old, I took them into my bathroom and asked them again if Richard was touching them in places where he shouldn’t. Again they shook their heads and said no. But something in their eyes made me think they were not telling the truth because they were afraid. So I questioned them again. This time I told them that it was OK to tell me the truth and that nothing would ever happen to them or me. I promised them no one would ever take them away. That’s when CJ finally admitted that Richard would do things to them at night when I was in bed or when I wasn’t home. (Out of respect for my daughters, I will keep what he did to them private. When they are ready to write about it, they will.)
Sexual child abuse was still very unheard of at that time. So I did what I thought was right. I called my church and they set me up with a Christian counselor. (I didn’t tell the church what had happened. I only told them the situation was serious.) Well, the counselor started seeing me right away. I told her what had happened and she agreed to counsel Richard. She even counseled Kacie. (She felt CJ was too young for it.) Well, Richard repented for what he had done and the counselor felt that he would never do it again. We continued counseling for almost a year. He was no longer touching the girls so I thought everything was all right again.
About two years later, I was in my room wrapping Christmas presents when I heard CJ scream. I ran to her room and she said Richard was trying to touch her. He denied it but I threw him out of the house anyway. The next morning I called the counselor. She said we needed to go to someone who dealt specifically in the area of sexual child abuse. She got it set up for us.
Richard went through heavy duty counseling at this time. They even went back to his own childhood. They believed that when he was somewhere between the age of seven and twelve, he had also been molested by an adult. They felt it had been very traumatic for him and that he had chosen to block it from his memory. After six months of extensive counseling, they pronounced him cured. And it really seemed like he was cured. He was acting like a real father towards the girls. He was doing everything the counselors told him to do. But unfortunately, this too was only temporary.
About a year and a half after he had been declared cured by the counselor we were watching TV. when a thunder storm started. It must have hit the cable company wires because all of a sudden we had all the premium channels on our TV. We thought it was really neat and spent the evening watching all kinds of movies. I finally got tired and went to bed. Kacie was still up watching TV. with Richard. Sometime around 2:00 a.m. I woke from a deep sleep. I remember sitting straight up in my bed. The whole house was pitch black. At first I thought the electric had gone off but when I looked at my clock I saw the red glow from it. I felt for Richard but he wasn’t there. I thought this was strange, because whenever he fell asleep on the couch watching TV all the lights and the TV would still be on. I don’t know why, by I just knew he was doing something wrong. I quietly got out of bed and went into the hallway. I switched the hall light on and saw him run across the living room floor and into the kitchen. He was naked. He then walked out with his underwear on and acting very casual as if nothing happened. Then, I looked at Kacie. She was lying on the floor with her eyes wide open. I could tell she had been asleep and didn’t know what was happening. Her pants had been unbuttoned but they were still on. I knew then that God had woken me up to protect Kacie before anything happened. I threw Richard out of the house and told him it was over.
The next morning I contacted the counselor and told her what happened. She told me that they could not help me but she knew someone who could. She said this counselor was hired by the state to counsel people like him. But she was also a Christian so she would be able to minister to him also. I reluctantly agreed to let him back in the house and we started into counseling that week. He went twice a week. The counselor also started seeing me.
During this time I got sick with a disease called Pseudotumor Cerebri and had to quit going in for counceling. So she just counceled RIchard alone. After three months of counseling I received a phone call from her. She told me that she had a long list of people who also wanted counseling and were willing to take her advice but that she couldn’t take them because she was counseling Richard. She said she felt she was wasting her time with him because he didn’t really want to change. He blamed me and the girls for all his problems. He told her it was the girls fault that he would touch them. He said they seduced him because they would kiss him or sit on his lap. (They hadn’t done those things since they were 7 and 9 because of what he’d do to them. But he didn’t tell the counselor that!) The counselor told me that Richard would not change and that I had to get him out of the house or child protective services would take the kids away. Well, that was an easy choice for me. I’d wanted him out for years, but thought I was doing the “Christian” thing by listening to the counselors. The girls and I packed Richard up and moved him out immediately.
I realize now that I should have kicked him out the very first time he ever touched the girls. I regret to this day that I didn’t. I truly believed I was doing the right thing by listening to the counselors. And I believe that they thought it was the right thing also. Now we can look back and see what we did wrong and what we should have done. I have asked both of my daughters to please forgive me for my part in all of this and thankfully they have. Unfortunately, they were still to suffer because of all of this. He took away their self-respect. They considered themselves “damaged goods.”
To find out what happened next, please read part three of my story.
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Email: subee41@rocketmail.com
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