Well, here I was, 32 years old and alone with four kids depending on me. What was I to do? The first thing I did was look for a new church. Since Richard was going to the old church and mascarading around like the perfect person, I knew I had to leave. A friend of mine told me about her church and said I should check it out. She knew I didn't have a car anymore and offered to pick us up. So the following Sunday we found ourselves at Vineyard Christian Fellowship of North Phoenix. It turned out to be the best thing me and the kids could have done.
When we walked into the doors of the church we felt something different then we'd felt before. We felt welcome. We felt at peace. And we felt God's presence all around us. The people who attended the church greeted us and made us feel important. That gave us a very good first impression. The next thing we noticed was the way they worshipped. Instead of singing about the Lord, they sang to the Lord. The music was so wonderful. I looked at my two girls and said, "I think we are home." They both agreed. So began our new life at VCFNP. Click here to check out my church.
I made a commitment to the Lord that I would not get involved in any romantic type relationships. Instead I wanted to get to know Him in a more personal way. I wanted to do what ever I needed to do to have intimacy with him. I didn't know what I was aking for, but God was going to give it to me!
One of the first things God began to show me is that I didn't really have an intimate relationship with Him. In my mind, God was the ALL POWERFUL, ALL OMNIPOTENT, GREAT I AM being who sat on this huge marble throne judging the world. I knew He loved me because He sent His Son to die for me. But I couldn't see to get beyond that point and understand WHY He loved me. You see, I saw Him as an unaprochable, untouchable, beyond my reach, God. How could I have seen Him as who He was. After all, I didn't have that good of a relationship with my father growing up. My father was a very strict parent. He rarely demonstrated any physical love to his children. We didn't know what it was like to be held by him or cuddled and comforted by him. We only knew what it was like to be in trouble with him. I used to be afraid of him when I was a little girl. So I based God on my earthly father.
Our church has what is called "Kinships." They are small home groups that we go to on a weekly basis. It is here that we can get the prayer and ministry that we need. It is also here where we can be completely open with one another and share our feelings and know what we say stays there. It was at one such meeting that I was feeling real low. I shared with the group that I really didn't feel very loved and that I didn't think they would miss me if I never came back. Of course they all told me how wrong I was and they insisted on praying for me. Everyone started to pray. There was an older gentleman there who is a little older than my father. I didn't know it yet, but God had plans to use this man to begin the healing inside me.
During the praying, this gentleman, (Bill), came over and sat next to me. He put his arm around me in a very fatherly way. I realized that in my entire life, I had never been held this way. I began to weep. First it was softly. But as I wept, Bill held me a little tighter, the way a daddy would when his child is weeping and he is trying to comfort her. He whispered in my ear telling me it was all right and that he loved me. He would say "shhhh, shhh, shhh, it's all right, Don't cry honey, we love you." Well, the more he comforted me, the worse I wept. Soon he was rocking me back and forth while he held me agains his chest. He kept telling me it was ok. I kept thinking, "I'm 32 years old and this is the first time I've ever been held the way a daddy holds his little girl." God began to heal the past hurts in my life right then and there. He showed me how much a father loves his child. He showed me how much HE loves me. When the prayer was over everyone came to me with concern in their eyes. I laughed and told them I was ok. I explained what had happened to me. Bill and I bonded that night and to this day I call him "Papa" cause he is like a daddy to me. And to this day, he treats me like I am his daughter.
Well, I decided that this kind of healing felt great. So I made it a point to go forward everytime there was prayer for anyone who wanted a deeper, more intimate relationship with the Lord. I also was the first one up when ever someone said they wanted to pray over anyone who wanted to be free from the painful memories of their childhood. Oh, God begun to do so many marvelous things in my life. Suddenly, I know Him not as the Great I Am who sat on the marble throne. He had now become my Abba Daddy, who sat in a rocking chair and encouraged me to climb up on His lap and let Him hold me and rock me. I still have that kind of a relationship with Him today. I can say truthfully, I can't wait till I see Him face to face!
I did not date or get involved with anyone for almost two years. I did meet a man at one point whom I thought I might be able to have a relationship with, but because I was obedient to the Lord, I realized quickly that I would be making another BIG mistake. Bigger than the first two. So I became content to live my life with my kids and my Lord. That was when the Lord brought Jack into my life.
Jack and I just sort of bumped into each other. (Actually our innertubes were tied together when we went down the river with the singles group. That was real exciting since neither one of us had ever gone tubing down the river before!) That was in July of 1989. Well, to make a long story short, we started dating. We had a great time and did a lot of fun stuff. Then on Valentines Day, 1990, Jack did the most amazing thing. He got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. At first I thought he was kidding and told him so. But he had the ring to back it up. Of course I said yes. We were married on July 20, 1990. We had a wonderful honeymoon in San Diego. We hated to come back, cause we knew that the one thing we would come back to was six kids. You might say, when we came back from the honeymoon . . . the honeymoon was literally over!
Now we began a journey we'd thought we were prepared for but in truth, we had no idea what was coming. I don't know how many people could say they went through as much as we did just in their first year of marriage. It is a miracle that we survived.
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