If you have come this far, I want to thank you. I hope that what you have read has blessed you or helped you in some way. I have been told by many people that I must be brave to be able to put all of this down on text for anyone to read. Well, brave is not the word I would chose. This has been the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. But as I stated at the beginning of this story, the Lord told me in my early 20's that I would have the ministry told about in Isaiah 61:1-3. I can do a lot in my church, or at my work, but I don't have the opportunity to reach a lot people who are going through some of the same things I went through. So I began writing here. I must admit, I thought it was going to be a simple little testimony. But God had other ideas in mind. I want to share with you all that what happens next will be the hardest stuff I have written so far, and I hope and pray I never have to experience what I went through (along with my family), again. So with that in mind, please continue with me in part 7 of my story. As I said in part 6, CJ had moved into a study apartment with Christy and Kacie and Fabian had gotten married and had a new baby boy. Jack and the kids and I were enjoying our new home. It was summer time and we enjoyed swimming in the pool that was in our neighborhood. We also did a lot of camping. It was a pretty good summer so far.
CJ was struggling at the apartment because she couldn't find a job. Her rent was coming up do and the only money she had coming in was the child support she got from her now ex-husband. Unfortunately that wasn't enough to survive on so she knew she had to get a job. It was also the first time in her life she was the sole caretaker of Christy. She had always had someone else to help her. CJ had also made a lot of friends that lived in her apartment complex. They would all hang out together till the wee hours of the morning playing cards and talking. She wasn't getting to bed at a decent time and was having a hard time getting up in the morning. Things started going from bad to worse for her because she was up all night and unable to go look for a job the next day. We were concerned because we weren't too sure about the kind of people she was hanging out with. I felt they were a bad influence on her. Sometimes they would all crash at her apartment and I'd go over the next day and there would be people all over the floor, sleeping. They were also eating all of her food which concerned me because I knew she had no money.
One day CJ called me all upset because Christy had gotten out of the apartment and the landlord found her and brought her back. The front door had been locked and it also had a child guard on the door but Christy figured out how to open it anyway. (Christy was able to do things at 2 and 1/2 that some kids 4 or 5 would never think to do!)CJ was thinking of sending Christy out to New Mexico to stay with her dad for a few weeks so she could go look for a job. I was totally against her doing that because of some of the horror stories CJ had told me about things her ex-husband had done to her and Christy. So I suggested letting her come stay with me for two weeks. CJ thought this would be the better idea also and so we agreed that I would get Christy on Monday.
I remember picking Christy up so clearly. She had her suitcase all packed and was so excited to go. First we had to take her to a doctors apointment because she was due for her booster shots. She cried when they gave it too her, and I just remember thinking how I wanted to take her away from there. After that I took CJ back home to her apartment, and then I brought Christy home with me.
We had a wonderful time, she and I. We played, we sang, we cuddled and hugged. I took her to the babysitter every day while I worked and every night when I picked her up she was just thrilled to see me. I started dreading when the two weeks would be up. I just loved having her with us. And she loved being here with us too.
The first weekend Christy was with us, I went to my other daughter Kacie's house and got Becca also. The two of them were best buddies. They would hold hands every where they went and they would sing songs to each other. They loved to do the song about the monkeys jumping on the bed. I would have to sing it to them over and over and over again. They would laugh and giggle everytime we did the part about the monkey falling off the bed and breaking his head. You would have thought that each time they heard the song it was their first time hearing it!
The following week Kacie suggested taking Christy home with her for a few days to help save on babysitting expenses. I thought it was a great idea. So on Wednesday night, Kacie came and picked her up. The original plan was to have her come home on Friday night, but we changed our minds and decided to get her Saturday morning. Her other grandparent's were supposed to pick her up at my house on Saturday morning to keep her for the day.
On Saturday, I got up and got ready to go to the Ladies Fellowship Breakfast at Tom Tate's Restaurant. I called Kacie to see if she was bring Christy over but there was no answer. I thought she must be on her way with Christy. Meanwhile my mom arrived to pick me up to go to the breakfast. I told my husband that Christy was going to be here soon and that her grandparents were going to be picking her up. Then I got in my mom's car and left.
We got to the restaurant and sat at different tables. We were in a private banquet room. Mom sat at one table because she was a table leader and I sat at a different table. We were all supposed to read a poem and discuss what Jesus meant to us. Each table was to talk amongst themselves. When it was my turn to share I remember saying Jesus was my rock. He was the lighthouse in my storm. He was my anchor and my only hope. Just as I finished saying that, a waitress tapped me on the phone and said I had a telephone call. I remeber looking at the people at my table and thinking "great, I can't even go to breakfast without one of my kids tracking me down!" I stood up and said, "This better be good."
I followed the waitress out to the phone when suddenly I saw my mom running towards me. I remember wondering how she got out there when I neer saw her leave, but the look on her face stopped my thoughts dead. I'll never ever forget the look she had for as long as I live. I knew something was very, very wrong. I don't know why, but all I could think of was Jack. I thought he was hurt or something. I somehow whispered "What happened?" She said "Christy drowned." Just like that. "Christy drowned." It took a second to sink in. I asked if she was all right and my mom shook her head no. She said, "She's dead." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I said "NO! NO! NO!" And then I guess I must have started screaming it because the next thing I knew I was surrounded by 30 or 40 women from my church. They looked at my mom and she told them what happened. I couldn't accept it. I was so angry. I wanted to scream. I could hear my mom explaining to them that Christy had somehow gotten into Kacie's pool in her back yard and drowned. All I could think of was how angry I was at her. I wanted to go and scream at her. I even said as much. The women began to pray over me and my mom. All of a sudden I remembered CJ. Did she know? My mom didn't know if she did. I said I have to go tell her. I have to be with her when she finds out. Then several ladies escorted us out of the restaraunt. I don't know how it was decided, but I was in someone's car with my mom. Several other ladies got in their cars and followed us to her apartment.
I remember crying and yelling as we drove to the apartment. Mom let me cry and yell but then as we got close to the apartment she told me I had to stop. She said CJ was going to need me and I needed to be strong for her. I didn't want to be strong for anyone. I didn't know how I was going to be any help to her at all! But then as we pulled into the driveway everything changed. Suddenly I knew I had to be strong for my child. I didn't know where the strength came from but I was able to get out of the car and take control. I know now that it was the Lord but at the time I just remember knowing I had to be strong.
When we got into the courtyard I saw CJ talking to some neighbors. I wasn't sure if she knew yet but then she ran towards me screaming "Tell me my baby's not dead! Tell me my baby's not dead!" I just looked at her and said "CJ, we've got to be strong." She just started screaming and running around the courtyard saying "No! No! She's not dead!" I am so glad for all those ladies that were with us. They were able to grab her and calm her down. One of the ladies that lived there told me a police officer was on his way to pick us up to take us to Saint Joseph's hospital. So we headed over to the parking lot. Just as we got there the officer pulled up. CJ and I got in to car and left with him. We asked him if Christy was dead but he didn't know. But right after we got in the car his radio dispatcher told him they had taken Christy to the trauma unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. I had the thought that if they were taking her to the trauma unit then maybe she was still alive. I began praying out loud for her to be alive. I prayed all the way to the hospital. CJ just let me hold her and didn't say much at all except for the officer to please hurry.
When she and I got to the hospital they told us we had to wait. We didn't know anything. They said a doctor would be out any minute to speak with us. They wouldn't tell us if she was dead or alive. We kept hoping she was still alive because the doctor was still with her.
After what felt like an eternity, the doctor finally came out. She asked us to go into this little room with her to talk. That's when CJ saw the Reverand. She said, "NO! He's not coming in here!" She knew what was coming. I still had hope but it was fading fast. When we got in there the doctor's first words were, "We tried to do everything we could..."
Well, as you can now figure out, our sweet little Christy was no longer with us. I don't want to talk about what all happened in there. But finally they let us go see her. We walked into the room and she was laying on the bed. She just looked like she was sleeping. They told CJ she could hold her. So we sat on chairs and they gave her to CJ. She held her and she rocked her and she told her how sorry she was. I don't know how long we were in there but suddenly we were surrounded by all those women from the breakfast. A few of the church pastors were also in there with us. They just laid hands on us and prayed. I just felt nauseous.
All of a sudden Kacie and Fabian came rushing in. Kacie looked horrible. Her eyes were big as saucers. She saw CJ and Christy. Someone had already told her Christy was dead. She threw herself on the floor in front of Christy and said, "Oh my God! I am so sorry! I am so sorry! Please forgive me! I am so sorry!" CJ just put her hand on her and told her it was ok. She wasn't angry at her. We all sat in there and talked with Christy and wept. Finally CJ gave her to me and she left the room to smoke a cigarette. I don't remember if this is the case, but I think I was all alone in there with Christy. If I wasn't, I don't think I was aware of anyone around me. I just rocked her and talked with her. I told her goodbye and how much I was going to miss her. I said a lot of other things to her also. I somehow hoped she could still hear me.
Eventually the nurse came and told us we had to go. We'd been in there for two hours and they said something about CJ not being able to let go if we didn't take her out of there. So we kissed her goodbye and left. I didn't know it at the time but one of our friends had a polaroid camera with him and he took some pictures of her laying on the bed. He gave them to us later that day. When we look back on them now, it is amazing how peaceful she looked. She didn't look like she was dead, just sleeping.
Well, the next several days passed in a blur. We had about 200 people in and out of our home cleaning, cooking, feeding us, etc. I don't remember much of it. But somehow we made it through the funeral and burial. But we knew our lives would never be the same.
We didn't understand why Christy had to die. We did know that God sees the big picture while we only see what our face is in front of. We had to trust that God knew what he was doing. Those next days were hard for me. I wanted to and knew I had to greive for my granddaughter. But I also knew I had two daughters who needed my strenght. And for some reason, CJ couldn't handle my grief. She would get angry at me if I tried to talk about it. So I found myself grieving when I was alone taking a bath. I would let the water run and I would just cry. I asked God "Why?" a lot during those days.
Another thing I did was decide that I didn't want to be stuck in my grief. I began reading anything I could that talked about dealing with grief. I even joined a support group. I tried to get the girls to go also, but they wanted to handle things in their own way. (The truth was that neither one of them were handling it at all!) But the people in my support group told me to let them alone so I did.
As the months passed, I began to work through the grief. It was not an easy thing to do, and now looking back at it I can say it was the hardest thing I ever did. I began to draw nearer to God. (Where else was I to go?) I wanted to know everything I could know about heaven. For the first time in my life I was not afraid of dying. After all, I had a little girl up there just waiting for us.
I remeber shortly after Christy died, Becca wanted to talk about her. Everytime she came over she wanted to talk about the day Christy died. So one day I let her talk. I am going to relate to you the story she told me. I want to emphasize that Becca was only two and a half at this time. What she was about to share with me she had never shared with anyone else. I am going to tell this in the third person. I will talk the same way she talked at that age.
(Becca speaking.)Gramma, I saw Christy swimmin in da pool and her wouldn't get out. So I told her, "Christy, you get out of that pool right now!" But her wouldn't. So I told her again, "Christy, you get out of that pool right now before my daddy gets mad at you." But her still wouldn't! So I said, "Christy, get out now before my daddy Fabian spanks your bottom! You swim to the steps right now!" But her still wouldn't do it. Then all of a sudden I saw Jesus come out of the sky and down to the pool. And he picked Christy up and took her to heaven with Him. Then the helicoper came to take Christy to the hospital, but her was already dead cause her was in heaven.
I knew she was describing something she had really seen. A child her age could not make that kind of a story up. Three years later, she still remembers that story clearly. She still talks about her cousin whom she "misses very much."
Well, we continued to live our daily lives. But nothing was ever going to be the same.
For the conclusion of my story, please read part 8.
Links On Dealing With Death
Other Links MORE THAN CONQUERORS
Dealing With
Grief
SANDS(Vic) - non-profit support
agency providing support for grieving parents who have lost a child through stillbirth or
neonatal death
Rainbows - offers peer support to children,
adolescents and adults grieving a death
Click here for
the final chapter
Click here to
go back one page
Click here to
return to my home page
SPECIAL
POETRY
Click here to
check out my links page!
Part
1
Part
2
Part
3
Part
4
Part
5
Part
6
Part
8
Get your own Free
Home Page