MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
(for immediate release)
It has come to our attention that a few copies
of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped
outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia
editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking
at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture
of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with
a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive,
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered
with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with
hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price
list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers
in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair
service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need
two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a
3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another
3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers
by zip code
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes
list of TV stations that carry the race
car n' truck Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip
code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused
if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.
How things would be different if Microsoft was
headquartered in Arkansas...
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty
bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw".
5. Instead of "Ta-da", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized
drunk redneck yelling "Freebird".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky
Heart".
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul
C++".
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate flag.
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
13. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
14. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse.
17. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
18. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a millionaire.
19. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead
cars in your front yard.
20. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
21. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
"If Microsoft Built Cars:"
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to
buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd
just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop
and fail to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine.
For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT." But the you'd have to buy
more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice
as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive -
but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades
to their cars, which would make their cars run much
slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what
happened
Microsoft New TV Dinner
Product
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
and honor
Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite
of your dinner
(which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may,
however, let
others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using these
keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook
the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner (found on the
package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking
and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be
restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and
then doing a
cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself,
having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for
future menu
items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade
your equipment.
Bill's New House
While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final
construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the
end of the
year.......
Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.
Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the
first 90
days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?
Bill: Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little
smaller than
we anticipated.
Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release
date.
Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.
Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger
living
room; or you can use a Stacker.
Bill: Stacker?
Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the
room. By
stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch...
the chairs on
the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
furniture
you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done.
Bill: Uh... I dunno... issue two is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought
with us
from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way.
Contractor: Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have
to
upgrade to the new bulbs.
Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.
How do I fix
that?
Contractor: Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.
Bill: You're kidding!?
Contractor: Nope. Its the only way.
Bill: sigh, Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests
over,
someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. Then the water pressure
drops so
low that the showers don't work.
Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to
terminate
and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.
Bill: And how do I fix that?
Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
off the
water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can
get back to
work.
Bill: That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?
Contractor: Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it.
Bill: And when will this be fixed?
Contractor: Oh, in your next house which will be ready to release sometime
near
the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had
some
delays...
Best and Brightest
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above
New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, the
Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly
in the
luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.
Thecockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen,"
he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about
to
crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and
I have
one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from
the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen", he said, "I am
the world's
greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest
athlete
should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining
parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world
needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute,
too."
He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama
spoke.
"My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss
of True
Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and
I will go
down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry,
pop.
The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack".
How many Microsoft support
staff does it take to change a light bulb
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the
light bulb?", one to ask
"Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you
tried reinstalling it?" and
the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light
bulb in our office
works fine..."
An apples to apples comparison
of Microsoft Internet Explorer and Marijuana
You get both for free at first, but once you get hooked they
raise the price.
Both will screw up your life eventually.
Microsoft and the drug dealer know that you'll come back for
more.
Drug use and Internet Explorer use
have dramatically increased in the last
few months.
Both crash your system sometimes.
Both marijuana and Internet Explorer are advertised on TV.
Both drug dealers and Microsoft want you to redistribute their
products to
others.
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