!!!!!!!!!! ABSURDITIES !!!!!!!!!!

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Mahnanana...

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it!

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and New York was the only place where my fears were justified.---Anita Weiss

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. --- Steven Wright

Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enought to know they were impossible." ---Doug Larson

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak." ---Jack Handey

"I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?" --- Steven Wright

"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house." --- Steven Wright

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" --- Steven Wright

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak." ---Jack Handey

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. --Frank Varano

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --June Henderson

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. --Grace Williams

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars int he universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure...source unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry....Rita Rudner

They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning....Billie Holliday

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.... Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac...George Carlin

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out---Source Unknown

On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

Why is there only one monopolys commission--- Tony Mead

One out of every four people in this world is mentally unstable. Think of your three best friends. If they seem normal, you're the one." --- Ann Landers

People have one thing in common: they are all different. (Source unknown)

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (Source unknown)

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car! (Source Unknown)

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? (Source Unknown)

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. (Source Unknown)

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? (Source Unknown)

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?(Source Unknown)

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

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Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. Source Unknown

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Windows: Just another pane in the glass.--Source Unknown

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.-- Steven Wright

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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.-Steven Wright

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.-Steven Wright

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What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
(Submitted by Nitchling6)

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Why do we say that the smoke alarm goes "off" when it really goes "on"?
(Submitted by OCrespo)

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Why is the word abbreviation so long?
(Submitted by Nitchling6)

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When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
(Submitted by Nitchling6)

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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
(Submitted by Nitchling6)

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Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
(Submitted by Nitchling6)

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Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
(Submitted by Nitchling6)

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Why don't they make the entire plane out of the same material as the little black box? (Submitted by Robin Levins)

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Why is it called a hot water heater? Hot water doesn't need to be heated.(Submitted by Robin Levins)

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Why are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?
(Submitted by Robin Levins)

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Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic? (Submitted by Robin Levins)

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If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

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Why is it when we transport something by car it is called a shipment, and when we transport something by ship it is called cargo?

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Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

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If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

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Why do they sell 10 hotdogs in a package and only 8 buns in a package? (Submitted by AFredberd)

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Have you ever seen straw in strawberries? (Submitted by AFredberd)

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If seedless oranges and watermelons don't have seeds, how do you grow them? (Submitted by AFredberd)

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Why are braille dots installed on the keypad of drive-up ATM's?

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Can you guess who these people were in 1923 and what made their lives absurd?

President of the largest steel
company?

President of the largest gas
company?

President of the New York
Stock Exchange?

Greatest Wheat speculator?

President of the Bank of
International Settlement?

Great Bear of Wall Street?

US Open & PGA champion?

THE ANSWERS

The President fo the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

Edward Hopson, the President of the largest gas company, went insane.

The President of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

Arthur Cooger, the greatest wheat speculator, died
abroad, penniless.

The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. (Sorry, don't know his name.)

Cosabee Rivermore, the Great Bear of Wall Street,
committed suicide.

The golf champion, Gene Sarazan, was last known to still be playing golf and solvent.

Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf!

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If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn. - Andrew Mason

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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? - Steven Wright

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.- Steven Wright

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If you would like to add an absurdity of your own here...please submit it to me via email. Let me know whether or not I may use your screen name with the submission. IF you do not specify I will give you on screen credit for the submission. All submissions may not make this page...but all will be considered! :)

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