1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to
fully disclose
any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious
beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political
affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that
have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known
any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets,
careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it
has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person
who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser"
or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean:
My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione
in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in
"Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following
terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty
(30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This
neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are
"seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item".
Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either
member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or
"lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple".
Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little
woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this time table may be sped up;
however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this
schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds
of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both
parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on
weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No
unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds"
on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45)
days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded
party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of
the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be
made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no
"running off in the middle of the night to console an old
girl/boyfriend", and both
parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous
home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected
bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both
parties will return to their normal personalities .
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside
--- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke,
or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this
agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the
availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress
to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week
together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their
respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will
attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both
will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees
to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment,including
washing his whiskers out of the sink,and assisting with household
duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his
apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of
phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?"
and-using archaic terminology-"Let's get married." 9. THE "L" WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase
"I love
you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one
party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the
"G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same
thing"; Suggesting-no matter how kindly-that the other member should
seek "help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My therapist thinks
you are ..." 11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup,
each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody
could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really
appreciate me"; "My therapist thinks you are ..." (appropriate
psychosis/neurosis goes here)
12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks". Each party
agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating
said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties
agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums,
door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through
impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait at
least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the
other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the
other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and
further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the
description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right"
"He/she wanted more than I could give" "He/she was too involved in
his/her career"
"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist"
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".