CREATIVE ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
LISTENING PLEASURE OF ELAVATOR MUSIC ...BET YOU LOVE ME NOW?? *w*
"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home
right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it
instead. Wait for the beep." You know what I hate about
answering machine messages? They go on and on,wasting your time.
I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,leave
a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and
short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
suffer through another long answering machine message when you
call me...
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to calland call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people,
dey shay dey don'like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta
trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.Thanksh a lot.
XXXYou have reached 934-2435.We picked this machine up at a
garagesale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we
don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open
to suggestions.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator.Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
XXXXHello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast
is done...(Cachunk!)In return for the one you sent me.
Hello, this is Sally's
microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck,
so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked
while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, magazines,
newspapers or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give
to charity through the office. They don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push
1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn,
push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number,
push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing
doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and
it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name
and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name,
then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name
and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in
a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your
name,number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as
soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but
sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice
day.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave
a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it. I can't
come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you
could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something
about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If
you need any money,or if you just want to check out my handiwork,
please leave your name,number, and how much cash you need after
the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please
ignore this message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number,and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explainthe benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.Thank you.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me,you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
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