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Jokes Page
This page was last updated: 7/5/98.
There are LOTS of Joke Links on the table towards the bottom of this page. Occupational, Absentee letters, Dibert, Instruments, dancing, knock-knock, and LOTS more...
Here are a few of the jokes I have received through e-mail. Let me know if you have any that should be added.
I have no idea where to place the credit for the following. Although my friend, Jim, sent most of these. Don't know where you got them, but, "Thanks, Jim."
Computer Gender
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day.
Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"
You Might Be From a Small Town IF...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
3. You know what 4-H is.
4. You ever went to "headlight parties".
5. You used to drag "main".
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't.
8. You ever went cow-tipping.
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties.
10. You have parties at the same guy's house.
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events.
13. The town social events are their children's.
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow).
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut.
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself.
20. No place sells gas on Sunday.
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10).
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date.
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog.
26. You had senior skip day>
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street.
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track).
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speedingdown Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain--." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say--." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
BASIC TRUTHS
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:
"The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.
"On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell Grizzly droppings because they have tiny bells in them.
Remember: If you know of any good, clean jokes, please e-mail them to me and I will add them to the top of the list. Also, tell me who to give credit to. So, come on...send them in and let's see some good ones...
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