I am a Graceful Recovering Drug Addict. This is fairly long, and I have not written in detail as to what happen to me or what I did, I don't think recovery is about that, I think recovery is about seeing how far a person has come in their life. It is only by the Grace of God that I am able to sit here and tell you everything that has happen in my life for me to have reached this point in my recovery.

        I have survive the abuse that happen as a child. I am a survivor of Ritual Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Mental Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Spiritual Abuse, and Physical abuse. I was abused by my parents, other family members, friend of the family and by a Roman Catholic Priest and Nun. I was place into foster homes when I was 15 and I suffered abuse in them as well.

        As a teenagers I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb and block the mental and emotional
pain of my abuse.  At the time I didn’t understand the reason for my behaviour. With the drugs, I turned to selling myself to support my drug habit. It's is 9 years now since I have been free from these addictions, and this kind of behaviour. Thanks to God!!!

        By the time I was 21 years old, I  had 2 babies, who were only 15 months apart and no
husband or their fathers around to run to help me with them. When I think back on that time in my life, while I was carrying these babies I didn’t use drugs or drink alcohol, something inside of me said it was ok to do whatever I want to my body, but I shouldn’t make that choice for another person. So through the Grace of God I was able to stay clean while I was pregnant

        After I had my children, I figured then I would stay clean for them.  Well, that didn’t last long.
By the time my youngest was six months old, I was using again. At this point in my life I didn’t
know that I had a problem, and couldn’t see how the drugs were affecting my life and my
children.

        The next time I tried to clean up my act, I went to a detox centre  and  I stayed clean for two
month, I guess I wasn't ready at that point. I went on using for another 4 months.

        I will never forget the last time that I partyed with drugs and alcohol.  It was my birthday and I
figured that I should have a big party for it. Well I did, and someone had put something into my drink, I woke up the next morning feeling like I was dead and not wanting to go on. That afternoon an AA member that I knew had come to my door. I have no idea as to how she found out where I lived, she told me that a little bird told her, but I never did find out who told her. She came right out and asked me point blank, "If I want to clean up my act or not?" I was feeling so sick that I said that I did, heck she could have told me to jump off of a building, the way I was feeling I would have done it. She told me that she would help me, but I would have to follow one rule that she had, and that was that I was to go to 4 meeting a week, 2 AA meeting and 2 NA  meeting and there was only 2 reasons as to why I couldn't go to a meeting. 1. Be dead, 2. Or be in the hospital. Having no babysitter was not a good reason not to go to a meeting, if I had no babysitter I was to take my children to the meeting with me. Well there was quite a few meetings that I took my 2 children to. And a lot of members would help me with them, so I could take in the meeting. Out of fear of losing my children, I got off of the drugs at home on my own, with AA members helping me. I lost many dishes that week, when my temper broke lose.

        In my recovery a lot has happen. When I think back on my recovery and my healing, if
anyone had told me nine years ago, that I would be where I am at today, I would have laugh at them and would have told them “in your dreams” because I could never have seen this happening for me. And I know that the only way that it could and did happen was because Jesus was in my corner, even when I didn't know that He was there. I use Jesus as my Higher Power

        The first of many things that happened is that I met a wonderful man. And we have been marriage now for seven years and he loves and treats my children as if they were his own.

        When I first came into recovery I want nothing to do with God. You see growing up I was
taught that God was a punishing God, and would strike you down in a second without thinking about it, I was never taught that God was a forgiving God and would forgive me for everything that I had done, so I figured, if He ever got His hands on me, I would be going straight to hell because of everything that I had done.

        Within my first year of recovery, friends of ours wanted us to try out their church, which I
agree to do just to keep them off of my back. This is where I would start to believe in my mind that maybe there was a God. What had happen was something very strange that I will never be able to explain, no way will I ever understand it either. I was at a couple of their services and the room would go dark on me, and in the corner I could see something that was glowing. I had asked my husband if he was able to see it as well, and he never could see it. But after a few times of seeing this, I start to believe in my mind that maybe there was a God after all. I also believe today, that the glow like thing was an Angel. After a while we would leave that church and I would not enter a church again for a few years down the road.

        Well God was not going to give up on me. He had set it up that I would come back to him in ways I would never have figure would happen. My husband was taking our children to church and one day they came and told me that they want to be baptized.  Well at first I laughed it off and forgot about it, and then they came back at me again with the same question, and at that point I had told them that I would think about it. Which I did, and I remember that I had said when they were younger, "If they ever want to be baptized, then I would not stand in their way." So my children would be baptized and I would have to go to the church. A few month after this, they came back at me and told me that they now wanted to make their first communion, and they would have to take classes and that either their father or I had to take the classes as well. And the classes would be on a Saturday.  Att the time my husband, was not able to take them to these classes, so I had to go with them.  So here I was going back to the church again.

        A year or so after all this had happened (I had not been around the church, but my husband
and children were still going), my husband start to see his Minister, unbeknown to me this would be the start of God really working in me, and I was the one who sent my husband to see his Minister! Also unknown to me,  my husband had people praying for me to come to the church and get to know Jesus. In one of his meeting with this Minister, things about my past had come up in their talking and the Minister had suggest that maybe it would be good for me to talk to one of the lady of the church. I don't mind saying that I was not very happy with my husband for doing this to me but I agree to meet with this lady. A few days later, she would call me, and ask when would it be a good time to come over to have a little Christian chat. In the back of my mind I told myself and my husband, if she got religion on me, she would be out the door faster then she walk in that day. But she didn't do that to me at all. She was very nice, and we had a great talk that day. I remember her asking me, how I could  get to know Jesus if I didn't go to His house to learn about Him. By the time her visit was over I had agree that I would go to church on Sunday and on Thursdays with her.

        Easter of that year, I turn my will and my life over to Jesus. What I remember of that day was the Minister giving his sermon, and I remember that I start shaking. I don’t even remember what the
sermon was about now. But that will be five years ago this past Easter.

        Well a lot has happen in these 5 years. Not all of it good, but things that Jesus want me to go
through. A little over 2 years ago, my Mother took sick with cancer and died within a short time Because of a promise that I made to my father the day that he died, I would take care of my Mother until she die. While this was going on, a lot of other things were happening that I didn't even see or realize at the time, but by the time my Mother had die, I had left the church again and had a major fight with the Minister and a number of people within the church. I don't feel that I left Jesus but left the church. I feel today that God had put a crisis in my life, so I would get to know him closer, and so I would learn to lean on Him on not on other people. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn. But I believe  when God closes one door, He open another door for us.

        What I didn't know was, as a result of the abuse I developed DID/MPD and I have 9
different personalities living within me. If you would like to know more about MPD/DID, you can write to me. Some people may think that DID/MPD is from Satan. I would like to be the first to tell you that what was done to me, was from Satan and my DID/MPD was a gift from God which provided and enabled me to survive the abuse and the effects of the abuse. People may say that I am demon possessed. People also said that about Jesus, therefore I stand in good company.

        Because of my DID/MPD, I said and did things that I never realize I was doing, until I started
to work on my healing from my abuse.

        My healing has been a growing time for me, I have learned a lot about myself and why I am
the way that I am. One of the things that I had to do and am still doing is reteaching, and relearning about Jesus. I had to replace the lies with the truth.

        About six month after leaving the church, I would return, but I would return a different person,
and on a different level. When I had left the church I had quit everything that I was involved with. My re-entry into the church, has been one step at a time, and very slow. I was very lucky, God had put a Minister into my life, who was very understanding toward a survivors needs and who was willing to learn about MPD/DID. And yes he is the same Minister that I had the major fight with. Today I am still not involved in anything that I had quit before and I really don’t know if I ever will be involved in those things again. I don't think or believe that my healing is about going back to where I was a few years ago, being so involved with everything. What I do believe is that as I grow, my interests will be different, and that God will lead me in the direction He wants me to go. Today I am the web master for my church web page, and I co-lead a group for survivors of abuse in the my church.

        With Jesus being at the centre of my healing, I know that I am continually being healed. As for
my MPD as time has passed, the alters are at different stages of learning to love and trust Jesus. Today I am working toward a total healing and a total wholeness. Today I no longer crave to use when I am in the middle of my worst time. Today I feel my feelings from the past.

        I believe that God sent his Son, Jesus to die on the cross for me. He took away all my sins
and therefore I turn to Him for healing. And that He can and will heal me and all I have to do is turn to him and ask.

        God's love is unconditional. He will meet you or I  right where we are in our lives. He will
never force anything on us. He is always standing at the door waiting for us to open it for Him.

        I am graceful to God for putting so many people in my path to help me on my road of healing
and recovery.

        A lot of changes have happen since I first wrote this, I was baptize a year ago, my Minister
has gone on to a new church, and just a few week ago I was asked to sit on committee at the
church Diocesan level,  on family violence, and I am the Diocese web page committee as well. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I am able to do everything that I do and that I am still alive.