Some  amusing Anecdotes

Mountain Dew

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
 soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi
 Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
  Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible
 for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.
 
 This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails,
 highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi
 will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.

 
Tiger Meets a Newfie...
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner,
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Mornin' bye" says the attendant.  Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends
forward to pick up the nozzle.  As he does so, two tees fall out of his
shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything".

Martha Stewart vs the REAL WOMAN
    
  Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
  bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of
  the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are
  probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
  it anyway.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place
  an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato
  mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring
  the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
  and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
  the cake.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even
  decorate it for you.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish
  while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
  it will absorb the excess salt
  for an instant "fix me up".
    
  The Real Women's Way: If you over-salt a dish while
  you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with
  me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat
  it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
  putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for
  weeks.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the
  stuff.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
  crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy
  finish.
    
  The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie
  directions do not include brushing egg whites over the
  crust and so I don't do it.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut
  it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
  will go away.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason
  this works is because you can't rub a lime on your
  forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and
  then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is
  because you are now BLIND!
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
  Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars:
  Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non
  slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to
  do it.
    
      * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
      And finally the most important tip......
    
  Martha's way #9: Don't throw out all that leftover
  wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
  casseroles and sauces.
    
  The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten:  Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

There is more down below on Noah's Ark

The Three Surgeons?

An English surgeon explained, "We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year.  All that was left of him was his little finger.  Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body and ultimately, when he returned to the workforce, he was so efficient that he put 5 people out of work."    "That's nothing"  said the American surgeon.  "We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of her was her hair.  We constructed a new skull, a new torso, new limbs and put her back in the work force.  She is now so efficient she has put 50 people out of work."   The British Columbian surgeon was not to be outdone.  "I was walking down the street when a fart wafted past.  I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work.  First of all, we wrapped an anus around it, built a bum on it, attached a body to one end, legs to another.  And gradually it turned into Gordon Campbell.  He put the whole province out of work.

The Seniors

A group of senior citizens sitting in a retirement home were discussing their ailments.  One says my arms are so weak I can barely lift a cup of tea to my mouth.

Another one says my cataracts are so bad I can't even see my cup of tea.

Says another, I can't turn my head because of my arthritis.

Another one says my blood pressure pills make me dizzy.

One man says that's the price you pay for living to be old.

There was a moment of silence and they all nod their head in agreement.

Finally a woman pipes up and says, "Well Thank God we can all still drive."

A Great Icon

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
 

This Spud's for You!
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes
for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet
potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name
for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so
as to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for
the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on
the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class
Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise
their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay'. Mr. and Mrs.
Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when
she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and
announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs.
Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom
Brokaw because he's just a...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
okay...
Common Tater

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen

The following memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained.  "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely
not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.  Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I
just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right
man for the job."  "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
gun.  "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!  I
had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and
says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

All in the Work Place.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T.will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) Those who fail to take (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S.H.I.T.) Since our managers took S.H.I.T.before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.) If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Did you hear about the man who came home from work one day to find total mayhem at his house?
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the
mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all
around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger
mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a
broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the
back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that
something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here
today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when
you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

This is an actual call from WordPerfect Customer Support:
- Ridge Hall computer assistant, may I helpp you?
- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word PPerfect.
- What sort of trouble?
- Well, I was just typing along, and all; ooff a sudden the words went away.
- Went away?
- They disappeared.
- Hmm. So what does your screen look like nnow?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- It's blank; it won't accept anything whenn I type.
- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
- How do I tell?
- Can you see the "C:\" prompt onn the screen?
- What's a sea-prompt?
- Never mind. Can you move the cursor arounnd on the screen?
- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it woon't accept anything I type.
- Does your monitor have a power indicator??<
- What's a monitor?
- It's the thing with the screen on it thatt looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
- I don't know.
- Well, then look on the back of the monitoor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
- Yes, I think so.
- Great! Follow the cord to the plug and teell me if it's plugged into the wall.
- Yes, it is.
- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
- No.
- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
- Okay, here it is.
- Follow it for me, and tell me if it is; pplugged securely into the back of your computer.
- I can't reach.
- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? --------------- No.
- Even if you maybe put your knee on somethhing and lean way over?
- Oh, it's not because I don't have the; riight angle - it's because it's dark.
- Dark?
- Yes - the office light is off, and the onnly light I have is coming in from the window.
- Well, turn on the office light then............ - I can't.
- No? Why not?
- Because there's a power outage.
- A power ... A power outage? Aha! Okay,,,,,,, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet< - Good! Go get them, and unplug your systeeemm and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
- Really? Is it that bad?
- Yes, I'm afraid it is.
- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
- Tell them you're too stupid to own a compputer.

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next
to each other?  The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here
for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous." 

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to
me once.  They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."  The second
kid said, "Whoa!  I had that done when I was born.  I couldn't walk for a
year!"

WHEN I'M A LITTLE OLD LADY
      ___
  When I'm a little old lady
   Then I'll live with my children
    and bring them great joy.
   To repay all I've had
   from each girl and boy
    I shall draw on the walls
   and scuff up the floor;
    Run in and out
   without closing the door.
    I'll hide frogs in the pantry,
    socks under my bed.
      Whenever they scold me,
    I'll hang my head.
   I'll run and I'll romp,
    always fritter away
    The time to be spent
   doing chores every day.
                I'll pester my children     
  when they are on the phone.     
            As long as they're busy     
         I won't leave them alone.     
          Hide candy in closets,     
                    rocks in a drawer,
                              
        Dash off to the movies      
            and not wash a dish.      
             I'll plead for allowance      
                      whenever I wish.      
            I'll stuff up the plumbing      
              and deluge the floor.      
As soon as they've mopped it,
                    I'll flood it some more.
                 When they correct me,

                 I'll lie down and cry,     
_ Kicking and screaming,
   not a tear in my eye.
    I'll take all their pencils
   and flashlights, and then
   When they buy new ones,
   I'll take them again.
    I'll spill glasses of milk
    to complete every meal,
   Eat my banana and
    just drop the peel.
   Put toys on the table,
    spill jam on the floor,
   I'll break lots of dishes
    as though I were four.
   What fun I shall have,
       what joy it will be
     To live with my children....
     the way they lived with me!

Did You Know The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles
such as:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like
thish".
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you
can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
Bubba.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

Visit the official Snapshots site for more.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. "Mr Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday" Patrick Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.
Paddy explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patrick explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral" He holds up the tiny pink elephant "I mean, what on earth is this?"
The bank manager replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

Come listen to a story bout a man named Jed
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed. But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
who said "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer"
WINDOWS --THAT IS--P C's--WORK STATIONS
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, you gotta move away from here." They said,
"California is the place ya oughta be." So he bought some donuts and
he moved to Napa Valley.
INTEL--THAT IS --PENTIUM--BIG AMUSEMENT PARK.
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube. They said
"Your project's late, but we know just what to do. Instead of
40 hours, we'll work you 52."
OT--THAT IS--UNPAID--MANDATORY.
The weeks rolled by and and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple We'll work him sixty-six.
TIRED--THAT IS--STRESSED OUT--NO SOCIAL LIFE
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64. Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
LAID OFF--THAT IS--DEBRIEFED--UNEMPLOYED.
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told. Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm. Beat the competition,
Watch the bosses squirm.
MILLIONAIRES THAT IS --BILL GATES--LARRY ELLISON.
Y'all come back now --ya hear!

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did.

HELPLINE: "General Motors help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened."
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: What is an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELP LINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran for a week and now it won't go anywhere"
HELP LINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh, How do I know?"
HELP LINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from "E" to "F". Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to "E" What does that mean?"
HELP LINE: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $20,000 for this car. Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in."


HELP LINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door lock."
HELP LINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELP LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELP  LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car."

You Know You're An Email Junkie . . .

You laugh at people with a 14.4 modem.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period in a letter.
You can't call your mother. She doesn't have a modem.
You name your child "Dot com"
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop in your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
You turn off the modem and get this awful feeling like you've just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You get up at 3 am to visit the bathroom and you check your email.

Moaner Lisa 

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER  Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.  The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.  You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.  Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.  Your children begin to look middle aged.  You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.  Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.  You look forward to a dull evening.  Your favorite  part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."  You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.  You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.  Your knees buckle and your belt won't.  You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.  You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.  Your back goes out more than you do.  A fortune teller offers to read your face.  Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.  The little old gray  haired lady you help across the street is your wife.  You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.  You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.  You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

The Snow Cones

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