This is a typical Japanese bathroom. (*snicker* *chuckle*)

• You are in the middle of eating dinner
• There are any small children or nervous dogs in the immediate area
• You have any particularly sensitive plants on the window sill behind you
• Your mother-in-law is visiting and inspecting every damn thing in sight
• Your daughter is bringing her new boyfriend over to impress him

Remember how I told you my absolute horror the first time I encountered a Japanese benjo, those hole-in-the-floor Medieval crap* contraptions?  Do the Japanese yet know that porcelain has been invented??  Worse yet, do they care??  In my last two trips to Tokyo, I made damn sure that I didn't get caught outside my hotel and needing to go to the "head" (that odd military term that I will never understand).  I would be late for a meeting rather than leave that hotel room without first taking care of business.  Now, to prove to all that I'm not the wuss that I appear to be, when it comes to all things Japanese, here it is, a website created by one Yuuji Hayashi .. check out the counter, he has over 100,000 hits ..

The Guide to Tokyo Toilets ... (that's not all, folks ...)

Clean ... and .. (here comes the gross part) ...

Not So Clean!

Click on the first one, then get prepared for the second.  His commentary is a hoot!  But .. if you're a real derring-do kinda person .. go ahead and click on the second one right away! Oh, and that's not even CLOSE to all there is ..

How to Use a Japanese Toilet Bowl

Here, you need Shockwave Flash, a (free) plug-in that shows animation of .. guess what??  (I wish I had seen this before I went to Japan.)  Forget that he spells it a toilet "bowel" .. wait!! .. maybe don't forget it!  What does he mean by that??  Then, if your stomach is still intact, you can go back to his main page and look at some disgusting graffiti or a map of where the clean and not-so-clean benjos are in Tokyo.  To make matters worse, he's so proud of getting some kind of award for being a "harsh" site .. harsh??  Wonder why??

For those of you who may be absolutely entranced by this subject, and you should really speak with your therapist at the earliest possible moment, there is even more!!  If you can read Japanese .. or even if you can't .. there is a veritable litany of lavatories to look at .. on his Japanese language site (which has over 282,000 hits).   But, as I ventured further into the bowels .. uhh, wrong word .. the recesses .. of this site, I found an entire network of websites devoted to Siskel & Ebert-style new loo reviews .. "Well, Roger, I give it a bums-up, how about you?"  "Right, Gene, a scene of clean latrines.  Two bums-up, folks!"  One page has exclamation marks all over it, proclaiming: "Most beautiful toilet!"  It seems I'm not the only one to suffer from benjocrapophobia (you can figure that out, can't you?).  The Japanese are also grossed out by the state of their public facilities, and give travelers an updated State of the Loo-nion.  Thus, this appropriately- named Toilet Network, with more than 20 sites at last count,  reports on the Good, the Bad and the Gross-Me-Out Ugly.  I wonder if Shibuya Railway Station will ever recover from the shame of a "two bums-down"??  Or, is ritual hara kiri the only way out?

[Ed. note: Thanx to our intrepid investigator who discovered this amazing site:  Dick Badgett, Narimasu '53.  ]

Ed. note: Again, "Covert" Carl checks in with his usual opinionated view about this Japanese custom:

I think that I speak for all middle class Americans currently alive when I say, "Thank you,  Jesus, for having allowed Sir Thomas Crapper*  to live and prosper."  * Sir Thomas Crapper: the 18th century English inventor who came up w/the 1st workable flush toilet, thereby saving us all from the dreaded benjo.  I, for one, will remain forever in his debt.

I had forgotten (probably a mental health defense mechanism) what benjos are like, and the fact that most of them had NO toilet paper.  Could this be part of the reason that the Japanese bow to each other, vice shaking hands?  Hard to believe these are the same people who produced the Computer-Controlled-All-Digital- Automatic-Toilet, isn't it?
 
 

Thank you, "Covert," for getting me started on another obsessive search for pictures of the above-mentioned computer toilet.  I was in a period of laxness, but you've put me in a mood of Ex-Laxness.  Herewith are the photos I have flushed out.  My first search was tight and concentrated and wouldn't come out, but I successfully logged in on Number 2.  I dumped the results, and what a relief that was! Now for the paperwork. (The pics on the left & right have red borders, which means you can click on them to see them a LOT larger .. and we know you will, or you wouldn't be reading this tripe!)
The amazing computer controlled toilet.  In comparison to the medieval benjo .. well, there is none.  Besides the fact that they cost $2.00 to use, try finding one!  There is a secret underground society, not unlike the Masons or the Medellin cartel, that controls maps to their locations, and sells them to gaijins for a measly $100.00.  And, it's worth it!	Here are the controls .. close at hand .. to guide the process.  Just what will it do? Will it .. ? ... Warm the seat? Hai!  Play some stereo Beethoven? Hai!  Give you some motherly "go potty for mama" encouragement?  Hai!  Flush when it senses "company"? Hai!   Spray scented, warm water on your derriere when you're finished (from a delicate 2 psi [lbs/sq. in.] up to 250 psi, depending upon your pervo factor)? Hai!  Top it off with a cyclonic warm air burst so there's no need for paper (save a tree)? Hai! Give you a sayonara patt on the butt?  Hell, no! That's disgusting! On your exit, automatically wash down and disinfect the interior? Hai!	Another model, with details of the top of the bowl, where you wash your hands and not one drop of the water .. or soap .. is wasted.  It all goes into the toilet bowl. When the Japanese become obsessed with something, they "push the envelope," as they say in Hollywood. I think I don't want to know how far they're going with this recycling thing! Excuse me if I can't forget the rice paddies and the benjo ditches!

This hydraulic- looking device might be fine if your sex life ended in 1973.  It frightens me no end .. or my end should be frightened, I'm not sure which.	Not content to leave well enough alone, using the assumption that more is better, they just keep adding devices.  Shouldn't this belong in one of those black leather S&M shops? Scary!	When was the last time you saw two rolls of toilet paper in a Japanese benjo?  How about one? OK, so this is not a benjo, but .. honestly .. the last time I wanted to play Capt. Kirk was when Star Trek was in first run. "Mr. Sulu, set a course for Shinjuku Andromeda, and excuse me while I massage my tush."	This really has me worried.  After watching "The Green Mile" and that hillbilly getting fried like a hush puppy in Old Sparky because the sponge was not WET ENOUGH .. here we have a toilet (with water very, very close to your unmentionables, mind you) plugged into an ELECTRIC OUTLET!  So what's the difference between this and a benjo, since I'd be hovering three inches over this seat?

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, huh? This has an ejection seat, of all things.  I wonder: does it have a control outside, so that in case your wife/husband decides you've been reading for long enough in the bathroom, he/she pushes a button and .. "off we go into the wild blue yonder .."? Then, again, you pilot types might enjoy this.  I swear, this contraption looks like a robot that walks across the floor with you on it.  It also looks like it could make the NASCAR trials.

If you saw this in a bazaar, you'd think it was art, right?  If you saw this at a Japanese curio shop, you'd think it was some religious artifact, kinda  like the Indian statues with multi-armed dancers, right?  If you hadn't seen it on this page (a tipoff), what would you think it is?  Whatever you thought, guess again.  It's a urinal!  This was found in an upscale restaurant, but it's about as frightening as they come (for men, that is; women: just move on down the page, you won't be interested). Just think about the camera at the top, the brick and the clenched fist.  But to really make your day, think about doing your business into that opening, between two large arms grabbing and pulling back the Rolling Stones-size lips to reveal the TEETH!  Ow!

You know, don't you, that in traditional Japanese hotels, these slippers placed in your room are allowed to go ONLY one place (Can you guess where? Hint: it's down the hall and it's not the Coke machine.) and no where else .. who would want to?  The incidents of guests stealing these is only 1% of those stealing towels.

Before I get off this subject completely ..  a cartoon that I couldn't pass up for this page .. sort of a "The End" to the potty jokes, as it were .. or as it weren't ..